Skinny Bastard. Chapter 1. Give It Up.

Okay. Use your head. You need to get healthy if you want to get buff. The first thing you need to do is give up your gross vices. Don’t act surprised! You cannot keep eating the same shit and expect to lose weight. Or smoke. So don’t even try some pathetic excuse like, “But if I quit smoking, I’ll gain weight.” No one wants to hear it. Cigarettes are for losers. They are so 1989 and totally uncool. Not only do they screw up your whole body chemistry, but they also kill your taste buds. It’s no wonder you eat garbage. Smoking’s out. Give it up. (If you chew tobacco, just put this book down now, because you probably don’t even know how to read, anyway.) Of course it is easier to socialize after you’ve had a few drinks. But being a fat pig will hinder you, sober or drunk. And habitual drinking equals fat-pig syndrome (not to mention pathetic-loser syndrome).

Beer is for frat boys, not skinny bastards. It’s high in sugar and makes you fat, bloated, and farty. Why do you think when kids go away to college they gain the “freshman fifteen”? Beer, duh. Alcohol isn’t any better. It raises the level of hydrochloric acid in your stomach, wreaking havoc on the digestive process. If you suffer from poor digestion, then your food will not pass through your body properly. Hence, bloated fatpig syndrome. To make matters worse, some alcohol (and nonorganic wines) still contains urethane, a cancer-causing chemical. To boot, both beer and alcohol jack up your blood-sugar levels, which is bad for your bod. And don’t kid yourself: When you have a hangover, you’re bound to eat shit all day long.

We’re not total killjoys—the occasional drink isn’t gonna make or break anything. But even if it makes you feel like a priss, try trading your booze for organic red wine produced without sulfites. (Sulfites are additives used in food and wine to extend shelf life and fight bacteria growth. Asthma and allergic reactions can be triggered by sulfites. Even if wine is organic, that doesn’t mean it is produced without sulfites. Read the label; it should say “no sulfites added” or “NSA.” (Frey Vineyards makes organic, sulfite-free wines.) Organic red wine with NSA is rich in cancer-fighting antioxidants, can reduce risk of stroke, helps thin the blood, and has flavonoids, which lower cholesterol. Yes, organic red wine may be good for you. No, you should not drink a bottle by yourself every day. Alcohol can cause cancer, infectious diseases, cardiovascular disease, shrinking of the cerebral cortex, and can alter brain-cell function. And drunk men are gross. All kidding aside, don’t be ashamed if you’re an alcoholic; alcoholism is a disease. If you need help quitting drinking, call the Alcoholics Anonymous World Headquarters at (212) 870-3400 to find an AA meeting near you or visit www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.

Brace yourselves, boys: Soda is liquid Satan. It is the devil. It is garbage. There is nothing in soda that should be put into your body. For starters, soda’s high levels of phosphorous can increase calcium loss from the body, as can sodium and caffeine. You know what this means —bone loss, which may lead to osteoporosis (which does affect men).

And the last time we checked, sugar, found in soda by the boatload, does not make you lose weight! Now don’t go patting yourself on the back if you drink diet soda. That stuff is even worse. Aspartame (an ingredient commonly found in diet sodas and other sugar-free foods) has been blamed for a slew of scary maladies, like arthritis, fibromyalgia, Alzheimer’s, lupus, multiple sclerosis, and diabetes. When methyl alcohol, a component of aspartame, enters your body, it turns into formaldehyde. Formaldehyde is toxic and carcinogenic (cancer-causing). Laboratory scientists use formaldehyde as a disinfectant or preservative. They don’t fucking drink it. Perhaps you have a fat gut because you’re preserving your fat cells with diet soda. The Food and Drug Administration has received more complaints about aspartame than any other ingredient to date. Want more bad news? When aspartame is paired with carbs, it causes your brain to slow down its production of serotonin. A healthy level of serotonin is needed to be happy and well-balanced. So drinking soda can make you fat, sick, and unhappy. Good luck with the ladies.

Unless you’re from Mars, you’ve heard about the “eight glasses of water a day” thing. If you’re filling up on 16 ounces of liquid Satan at a time, chances are you’re not getting your 64 ounces of water a day.

Water is vital for keeping your body clean and detoxified. It literally flushes out all the shit and toxins your body stores from your horrendous diet. You might be fat ‘cause you don’t crap enough. Drinking lots of water can help with the elimination process. Say goodbye to soda and hello to a sweet ass.

“Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning coffee.” Um . . .

pathetic! Coffee is for pussies. Think about how widely accepted it has become that people need coffee to wake up. You should not need anything to wake up. If you can’t wake up without it, it’s because you are addicted to caffeine, sleep deprived, or a generally unhealthy slob. It may seem like the end of the world to give up your daily dose, especially if you use Starbucks to go trolling for women. But it’s not heroin, and you’ll learn to live without it. Caffeine can cause headaches, digestive problems, irritation of the stomach and bladder, peptic ulcers, diarrhea, constipation, fatigue, anxiety, and depression. It affects every organ system, from the nervous system to the skin. Caffeine raises stress hormone levels, inhibits important enzyme systems that are responsible for cleaning the body, and sensitizes nerve reception sites. It also raises blood pressure, may cause an increased susceptibility to diabetes, and may be linked to rheumatoid arthritis. But don’t go grabbing for the decaf. Coffee, whether regular or decaf, is highly acidic. Acidic foods cause your body to produce fat cells to keep the acid away from your organs. (Please, do not link this acid issue to citrus and other fruits. We discuss this in depth later; on pages 33-34.) So coffee equals fat cells. P. S. It also makes your breath smell like ass.

Furthermore, coffee beans, like other crops, are grown with chemical pesticides. One insecticide, D-D-7, has been banned in the United States but is still used by other countries from which we import coffee beans. So every single morning, you are starting your day with a dose of poison. Add sugar or other artificial sweeteners, top it off with milk or cream, and you’ll be fat forever. If you enjoy an occasional cup of coffee, fine. But if you need it, give it up.

A much better way to start the day is with a macho-looking cup of caffeine-free herbal tea—organic, of course. Decaffeinated green tea is like a wonder drug. Its anti-aging and antibacterial qualities are as renowned as its reputation for fighting cancer, combating allergies, and lowering blood pressure. Go to a coffeehouse, if you must. Just get a decaf organic herbal tea instead of coffee. Plus, if women see you drinking tea, they’ll think you’re smart and sensitive. Miss your caffeine jolt? Get a fresh-squeezed organic juice for an instant jumpstart.

Once you are rid of your caffeine addiction, you will get totally high from fresh-squeezed juice.

Junk food will never go away. It becomes more alluring by the minute with laboratory-developed aromas, artificial flavors, chemical food colors, toxic preservatives, and heart-stopping hydrogenated oils. We know it’s impossible to resist, but no one ever got buff on candy, chips, cookies, and ice cream. Use your head. Not only is junk food bogged down with saturated fats, sugars, hydrogenated oils, calories, and cholesterol, but it also contains enough chemical residues to take the hair off your balls. Ever heard of butylated hydroxyamisole (BHA) or butylated hydroxytoluene (BHT)? Most people haven’t, even though these chemical preservatives are put in food or into the packaging. The FDA doesn’t require companies to divulge the presence of these beauties if they are used in packaging, though they can come into contact with the food you’re eating. So your junk food has a shelf life of twenty-two years and will probably outlive your next two cars. Now before you decide you’re so smart ‘cause you only buy fat-free snacks, get a hold of yourself. Whenever you see the words “fat-free” or “low-fat,” think of the words “chemical shit storm.” Read the ingredients. Do you really think sugar or hydrogenated oils or eggs or milk won’t make you fat? Puh-lease! By the way, sugar, like coffee, creates an acidic environment in your body. You just learned that acidic foods cause your body to produce fat cells. So you do the math: sugar equal fat. If you’d drag your ass to a health food store, you’d find aisle after aisle of “acceptable junk food”—guilt-free garbage that tastes so good, you’ll do naked squats in the parking lot. We are not saying you have to give up junk food to lose weight. You just have to trade your old junk food for new junk food. In Chapter 12, we provide an “acceptable junk food” list that’ll give you a woody.

Are you a pill popper? Do you reach for over-the-counter medicine for every sniffle, sneeze, ache, and pain? Toughen up, pansy. Our bodies, when properly cared for, function as perfect machines. Our brains tell us when something is wrong by giving us pain or discomfort. When we pop pills to rid this “dis-ease,” we are masking the symptoms without resolving the problem. Every time you take medicine, you interfere with your body’s natural ability to heal itself. You are alleviating those intelligent responses that alert you to a problem and are sending false signals to your brain. If you have a headache, you might be tired, dehydrated, or suffering from a minor food allergy. Most likely, your body is having an adverse reaction to the unhealthy crap you’re eating. Taking two aspirin is not the answer. If your nose is running, your body is trying to rid itself of something through your snot. But you, drama queen, take cold medicine to stop your runny nose. Now you’ve gone and fucked up everything.

Medicine is made of chemicals. Never mind that the Food and Drug Administration gives meds their stamp of approval. They also allow the use of aspartame. Use your own damn brain. Do you think putting chemicals in your body is good for you? Every medicine comes complete with a list of side effects. That means that taking medicine will make you feel better for the moment but will fuck up something else in your body. So suck it up. Stop interfering with Mother Nature.

(Obviously, if you are on prescribed medication, you need to consult a physician before discontinuing it.) Give up the notion that you can be sedentary and still lose weight.

Eating properly will dramatically improve your health, body, and all aspects of your life. But you’ve still gotta move your ass. Anyone with a brain can do the math: When done in conjunction with a good diet, exercise will make you lose weight faster than healthy eating alone. You don’t need to spend seven days a week at the gym. In fact, you shouldn’t, because too much exercise is bad for you (and men who work out too much look like fuckin’ FREAKS). It can lead to dehydration, arthritis, osteoporosis, and injuries like strains, sprains, and fractures.

Twenty minutes of cardiovascular a day, five days a week, is a good starting point. Then, after a couple of weeks, kick it up a notch.

Depending on your fitness goals, you can increase your cardiovascular workout or add strength training to your routine, or both. Aim for working out in the morning, if you can. When we exercise, our elevated heart rates and deep breathing cause our “bodyminds” to enter a fatburning mode that can last throughout the day. Regardless of what time you work out, you’ll soon become addicted to exercising. When we are active enough to break a sweat, our brains release endorphins and feel-good opiates so that we grow to love this healthy activity. Exercise burns fat and calories, improves circulation, regulates crapping, defines muscles, builds strength, and detoxifies your body through sweating. Plus, working out helps keep junk food cravings and savage appetites at bay. It’s a win-win. Work out. (Oh, you probably don’t care, but exercise also improves the sex drive and sexual function.)