Skinny Bastards. Chapter 9. Dumping.

Pinch a loaf. Lay a cable. Drop a deuce. Let’s face it; there is no greater pleasure than taking a big, steamy dump. But shitting isn’t just for kicks. It is a vital tool for weight loss and optimal health. Basic math. How much are you putting in your mouth, and how much is coming out your ass? Now that you’ve learned the right foods to eat and which ones to avoid, you should be a dynamo in the bathroom. But if your hiney is expelling only little rabbit turds, something’s gotta give.

Earlier, we mentioned that drinking lots of water helps rid your body of waste. We can’t emphasize the importance of this enough.

Drink, drink, drink. But if you want to take tyrannosaurus-sized dumps, it’s also imperative to eat foods rich in fiber, like whole-grain cereals and breads, brown rice, corn, barley, rye, buckwheat, millet, oats, fruits, vegetables (especially root vegetables, like carrots), beans, and seeds. Avoid foods that have little or no fiber, like meat, eggs, cheese, milk, and processed, refined foods. These can clog up your ass.

Fiber isn’t just for shits and giggles, either. It offers protection from appendicitis, heart disease, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, gallstones, irritable bowel syndrome, and colitis.

Fibrous foods also help normalize our blood-sugar levels, sate food cravings, and make us feel fuller so that we don’t overeat. Fiber even fights colon, colorectal, and prostate cancer: If we don’t make ca-ca quickly enough, our putrefying food stays in our bodies, increasing the likelihood of the production of carcinogenic substances. So eat your fiber, and crap like a champ. Another way to get your bowels brewing is to pay special attention to the order in which you are eating foods. For example, foods that digest quickly and easily should be eaten by themselves and early in the day. Fruit for breakfast. Salad and/or vegetables for lunch. These foods will pass through your body at lightning speeds. Dinner should be your “heaviest” meal. Follow these simple rules, and you’ll be depositing six-inchers in no time. If you’re already a quality dumper, feel free to disregard.

But, if you still need an extra kick in the ass, up your bean intake.

Beware: You might have a mudslide in your pants if you’re not careful. If you’re not accustomed to beans, ease in slowly so your body can get used to digesting them. Expect some noise, for sure. And hey, maybe even stay close to a toilet to play it safe.

If your log-laying still needs work, do not take laxatives. Yes, they make you poop, but they don’t solve the underlying problem of why you’re not pooping in the first place. Most laxatives are gastrointestinal irritants—even the natural ones. Stop looking for a quick fix.

Just continue to drink a lot of water, exercise, and eat right, shitheads.