Skinny Bastards. Chapter 2. Carbs: The Truth.

Never before has the United States seen such a ridiculous diet trend as the “low-carb” phenomenon. Every restaurant, grocery store, and fast-food chain caters to this utter nonsense. Even soda and beer companies have spent millions developing and marketing low-carb drinks. Everyone has jumped on the bandwagon, hoping to capitalize on the trend, whether it is healthy or not. Not.

Carbohydrates are compounds made up of carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen, and they are vital for providing energy for our bodies and brains. Without them, we would be comatose zombies. When we eat food, our bodies turn the carbohydrates into glucose for immediate energy and the rest is stored as glycogen for reserves.

Yet all carbs are not created equal. There are two types: simple (also referred to as refined) and complex. Simple carbohydrates suck and are as nutritionally beneficial as toilet paper. They are mostly made up of sugar, which releases too quickly, almost violently, into our bodies, causing “sugar highs” and then “crashes.” This tends to leave us feeling hungry, so we eat more. On the other hand, complex carbohydrates are comprised of starch and fiber and release gradually, providing a steady source of energy. They make us feel full and satisfied and are easily broken down to release their energy. Shitty simple carbohydrates include white flour, white pasta (durum semolina), white rice, and white sugar. These are the bad boys that give all carbs a bad reputation. For some asinine reason, food manufacturers decided that we wouldn’t buy their products unless they were white and soft. So they took natural grains, like brown rice and whole wheat, and stripped away all their nutrients, vitamins, and minerals to achieve the color and texture change. This refining process totally compromises the nutritional integrity of the food—all for appearances. So companies then add these nutrients back into their refined, milled foods and use terms like “enriched” or “fortified.” But there’s no use trying to fool with Mother Nature. Our bodies cannot absorb these added-in minerals with the same ease.

Tragically, most cereals, pastas, rice, bagels, breads, cookies, muffins, cakes, and pastries have been bastardized in this manner. Pay attention to how your body feels when you eat these foods. Chances are you’ll notice moderate to severe mood swings and energy surges and losses.


Fear not. There are so many complex carbohydrates (Mother Nature is generous) that you’ll never miss the simple shit. Bask in the glory of yams, sweet potatoes, barley, corn, brown rice, beans, hummus, lentils, quinoa ,a grain, pronounced keen-wa), millet, and pasta made from brown rice, whole wheat, or vegetables. Bionaturae, Ancient Harvest, Eddie’s Spaghetti, Lundberg Farms, Westbrae, Pastariso, and DeBoles Organic all carry these “good carb” pastas.

Knock yourself out with breads and cookies and muffins made from whole wheat and other whole grains. (Whole grains are any that haven’t been bleached, stripped, or refined and still possess all the nutrients from the original grain.) Food for Life has an amazing line of whole and sprouted-grain breads, and Pacific Bakery and French Meadow Bakery carry organic breads that aren’t too shabby, either.

Don’t forget the bounty of vegetables and fruits—complex carbs that supply the body with vitamins, minerals, and fiber.

Yeah, you heard us—fruit. Eat it. The most irritating thing about the low-carb craze is the resistance to eating fruit. We know it’s not exactly seen as “butch,” but fruit is, quite possibly, the most perfect food in existence. It is unique in that it barely requires any work to be digested.

High in enzymes, it effortlessly passes through the body, supplying carbohydrates, fiber, vitamins, minerals, fatty acids, amino acids, and cancer-fighting tannins and flavonoids. Because it is made up of mostly water, fruit hydrates the body and aids in cleansing, detoxifying, and eliminating (shitting). In other words, it’s really fucking good for you.

So tell all your dumb-ass, misinformed friends: You can eat bread and fruit!