Rekindling Desire. Appendix 1. Choosing a Marital or Sexual Therapist.

As stated in the first chapter, this is not a do-it-yourself therapy book. Couples are reluctant to consult a therapist, feeling that to do so is a sign of “craziness,” a confession of inadequacy, or an admission that their relationship is in dire straits. In reality, seeking professional help is a sign of psychological strength.

Entering marital or sex therapy means that you realize there is a problem and you have made a commitment to resolve the issues and promote marital and sexual growth.

The mental health field can be confusing. Marital and sex therapy are clinical subspecialties. They are offered by several groups of professionals, which include psychologists, social workers, marriage therapists, psychiatrists, and pastoral counselors. The professional background of the practitioner is of less importance than her or his competency in dealing with your specific problem.

Many people have health insurance that provides coverage for mental health and thus can afford the services of a private practitioner. Those who do not have either the financial resources or insurance could consider a city or county mental health clinic, a university or medical school mental health outpatient clinic, or a family services center. Clinics usually have a sliding fee scale (i.e., the fee is based on your ability to pay).

When choosing a therapist, be assertive in asking about credentials and areas of expertise. Ask the clinician what percentage of her or his patients remain married, how long therapy can be expected to last, and whether the focus is specifically on sexual problems or more generally on communication or relationship issues. A competent therapist will be open to discussing these issues. Be especially diligent in questioning credentials, such as university degrees and licensing.

Be wary of people who call themselves personal counselors, marriage counselors, or sex counselors. There are poorly qualified persons,and some outright quacks,in any field.

One of the best resources for obtaining a referral is to call a local professional organization such as a psychological association, marriage and family therapy association, mental health association, or mental health clinic. You can ask for a referral from a family physician, minister, or friend. For a specific sex therapy referral, you can contact the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists through the Internet at Aasect.org for its therapist referral network, or write or call for a list of certified sex therapists in your area,P.O. Box 5488, Richmond, VA 23220, 804–644–3288. You can also contact The American board of Sexology through the internet at sexologist dot com to find a practitioner in your area. For a marriage therapist, you could check the Internet site for the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy at Therapistlocator dot net.

Feel free to talk with two or three therapists before deciding on one with whom to work. Be aware of comfort with the therapist, degree of rapport, and whether the therapist’s assessment of the problem and approach to treatment make sense to you. Once you begin, give therapy a chance to be helpful. There are few miracle cures. Change requires commitment and is a gradual and often difficult process. Although some individuals benefit from short-term therapy (fewer than 10 sessions), most people find that the therapeutic process will take 4 months to a year or longer. The role of the therapist is that of a consultant, rather than of a decision maker. Therapy requires effort, both in the session and at home.

Therapy helps to change attitudes, feelings, and behavior. Do not be afraid to seek professional help to revitalize your marital and sexual bond.

Appendix 2.

Books for Further Reading Butler, & Lewis, M. (2002). The new love and sex after sixty. New York:

Ballantine.

Ellison, C. (2001). Women’s sexualities. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.

Foley, S., Kope, S., & Sugrue, D. (2002). Sex matters for women. New York:

Guilford.

Goodwin, A., & Agronin, M. (1998). A woman’s guide to overcoming sexual fear and pain. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.

Gordon, S. (1990). Why love is not enough. Boston: Bob Adams.

Hafner, D. (2002). From diapers to dating. New York: Newmarket.

Heiman, J., & LoPiccolo, J. (1988). Becoming orgasmic. New York:

Prentice-Hall.

Leiblum, S., & Sachs, J. (2002). Getting the sex you want. New York: Crown.

Maltz, W. (2001). The sexual healing journey. New York: HarperCollins.

McCarthy, B., & McCarthy, E. (1998). Male sexual awareness. New York:

Carroll and Graf.

McCarthy, B., & McCarthy, E. (1998). Couple sexual awareness. New York:

Carroll and Graf.

McCarthy, B., & McCarthy, E. (2002). Sexual awareness: Couple sexuality for the twenty-first century. New York: Carroll and Graf.

Michael, R., Gagnon, J., Laumann, E., & Kalota, G. (1994). Sex in America.

Boston: Little, Brown.

Zilbergeld, B. (1997). The new male sexuality. New York: Bantam.

Zoldbrod, A. (1998). Sex smart. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.