Rekindling Desire. Chapter 2. Whose Problem Is It,His, Hers, or Ours?

Inhibited sexual desire and no-sex or low-sex marriages are not caused by one factor or one spouse. Sexuality is complex, with many causes and dimensions. In addition, there are individual, couple, and cultural differences in sexual attitudes, experiences, feelings, and values.

Sexual desire and desire problems are best understood as a couple issue. This facilitates a comfortable, productive way to think about, discuss, address, and enhance sexual desire. The couple approach is especially valuable when considering what maintains, as opposed to what caused, inhibited sexual desire.

Regardless of what originally caused the problem, you become stuck in a self-defeating cycle. It is considerably easier to break this cycle if you approach and talk about sexual desire as a couple issue. The traps of guilt and blame help maintain this as a chronic sexual problem that is a drain on your marital bond. Viewing inhibited sexual desire as a couple problem reduces guilt, defensiveness, and blaming.

Sexuality as a couple issue is one of the most helpful, yet hardest to accept, guidelines. When initially presented, the couple approach is received enthusiastically as a way to break the deadlock and promote change. The concept of being an intimate team is particularly inviting. However, when you encounter inevitable setbacks, frustrations, and disappointments, it is easy to revert to blaming. It is easier to blame your spouse than to be responsible for and change your own attitudes and behavior.

A core concept in couple therapy is to take responsibility for yourself. You are not responsible for your spouse. Focus on making personal changes in attitudes, behaviors, and feelings, this takes thought, work, and discipline. It is neither your responsibility nor your role to change your spouse. Communicate with your spouse, share feelings, and make requests for change.

You can influence your spouse, but cannot make that individual change. Especially, you cannot coerce your spouse to change.

Ideally, marriage operates through a positive influence process ,each spouse is responsible for self, and you are respectful and trusting toward each other. You discuss feelings, make requests, commit to a change process, and support and reinforce individual and couple changes. In a low-sex or no-sex marriage, the positive influence process has broken down (at least, in regard to intimacy and sexuality).

You are caught in a vicious cycle. The more sex is avoided, the lower is sexual desire. You become trapped in a pattern of blame-guilt-alienation. The self-defeating cycle is anticipatory anxiety, tension-filled sex, and sexual avoidance. You are not an intimate team working together to understand and resolve the sexual problem. Instead, the sexual problem dominates and drains your relationship. You alternate between self-blame and blaming the spouse. You are stuck in a “Who is the bad guy?” struggle.

When intimacy breaks down into “good guy,bad guy” roles, the possibility of resolution is nonexistent.

when one spouse always pushes sex.

Many couples stay stuck in the struggle where one spouse reports high desire, always pushes sex, and bitterly complains of being rejected. The other spouse feels pressured and besieged; it is upsetting to be forced to say no. Consciously or unconsciously, that person avoids intimacy. This pursuer,avoider pattern is the opposite of the positive influence, intimate team approach.

The partner pushing sex rejects approaching it as a couple problem, preferring to blame the spouse. The partners clings to the belief that inhibited sexual desire is totally the spouse’s fault.

Typically, it is the husband who pushes sex, but it can be the wife.

Whether it is the traditional pattern or a role reversal, the couple dynamic is amazingly similar. The higher-desire spouse blames the lower-desire spouse and claims there is no reason for him to change. The lower-desire spouse is mired in guilt and self-blame, which alternates with blaming the partner for being insensitive and coercive. It is hard for either person to stay with the concept of sexual desire as a couple issue. Even when the therapist presents it as a couple problem and the partners initially agree, it is easy to slip back into old attitudes and habits at the first disappointment.

The higher-desire spouse claims it does not help to stop pushing intercourse, and anyway, he does not have a sexual problem. Even if he does not overtly push, his sexual intensity, blaming, and pressure are still felt. Frustration and anger do not invite emotional sharing, touching, or sexual intimacy.

No matter how the inhibited sexual desire pattern started, the higher-desire spouse’s attitudes, feelings, and behavior exacerbate or, at least, maintain the pattern. His blaming and guilt-inducing are alienating and reduce her sexual desire. Seeing the spouse as your hostile, worst critic does not facilitate trust or desire. Sex then involves conflict and coercion, not pleasure and mutuality. This is not to blame the higher-desire spouse or make him the “bad guy,” but to highlight his role in maintaining the problem. Inhibited sexual desire is best dealt with by thinking, talking, and acting as an intimate team. The higher-desire spouse does not make sex inviting. Sex is a pressured performance to placate him and avoid his anger.

The valid points the higher-desire spouse makes are that avoidance makes the problem worse, sex is a bonding experience, and rejection is emotionally alienating. The invalid points are that it is all the partner’s fault and that increasing the frequency of sex is the key.

A prime guideline to successfully address inhibited sexual desire is that the quality of emotional and sexual intimacy is more important than intercourse frequency. To break the cycle of a no-sex or low-sex marriage, sexuality needs to be comfortable, inviting, and pleasurable for each spouse. Intimacy, affection, sensuality, playfulness, and eroticism, as well as intercourse, are valued by both spouses. The higher-desire spouse can change by adopting a nondemand approach to touching and by valuing broad-based sexuality. Not all touching can or should lead to intercourse. The single most important guideline for the higher-desire spouse is to respect and honor the partner’s emotional and sexual feelings. Her feelings and needs are as important as his. Intimate coercion has no place in marriage.

Coercion poisons sexual desire.

the spouse with lower sexual desire.

In our sex-saturated society, it is hard not to feel deficient or guilty about lack of sexual desire. Yet it is a problem for one in three adult women and one in seven adult men (with the figures for males increasing with age). The more guilty, angry, depressed, and self-blaming the person is, the worse the problem becomes. You pile one negative emotion on top of another, which subverts self-esteem and sexual desire.

What can the lower-desire spouse do? First, increase awareness ,do not avoid thinking and talking about intimacy and sexuality.

Second, take a problem-solving approach; do not feel ashamed or self-punitive. Third, approach the spouse as your supportive, intimate friend, not as your worst critic. Fourth, carefully assess what you value about intimacy, affection, sensuality, playfulness, eroticism, and intercourse. Take responsibility for your sexuality.

Identify aspects of intimacy and sexuality that you value for yourself and the marriage. Sex is not a way to placate the spouse.

You feel defensive, guilty, or angry and have lost track of the positive functions of touching, intimacy, and sexuality. Changing inhibited sexual desire is a one-two combination,first, increasing awareness and taking personal responsibility, and second, viewing desire as a couple issue and being an intimate team in revitalizing sexuality.

Are there special issues when it is the man with inhibited sexual desire? It is more acceptable for him to admit to erection or orgasm problems than admit to not being sexually interested.

Traditionally, masculinity and sexuality are closely linked. Too much of the man’s self-esteem is tied to his penis.

Male desire problems have a multitude of causes. Among these are pressure for perfect performance, fear of pregnancy, embarrassment due to sexual dysfunction, greater confidence with masturbation than with partner sex, alcohol or drug abuse, a way to maintain emotional distance or punish the spouse, a secret such as a fetish arousal pattern or sexual orientation issue, being distracted by work or money concerns, being involved with children or extended family to the detriment of couple time, not valuing marital sex, side effects of medication, few spontaneous erections so that he is hesitant to initiate sex, feeling intimidated by the wife’s sexual desire, feeling that it is unmanly to ask for stimulation to facilitate arousal, low self-esteem, or depression.

The man has to be aware of and take responsibility for his desire problem. He asks the spouse to be his intimate friend in rebuilding sexual desire and erotic functioning.

The spouse with inhibited desire wishes the partner would “back off” and “reduce the sexual pressure.” This is necessary, but not sufficient. You have to build bridges to sexual desire. Enlist the spouse as a facilitator of desire and pleasure, rather than making him the one who pushes for sexual performance. Is it worthwhile for you to change your attitudes toward intimacy and sexuality? Do you trust the spouse to be your intimate friend?

desire discrepancy,an alternative way of thinking and communicating about sexual desire.

When you chose to marry, you did not decide to enmesh your lives and become one person. A viable marriage involves a balance between individual autonomy and sharing your lives as an intimate couple. If you needed to feel equally desirous to engage in an activity, the marriage would be stagnant and blocked. One spouse likes dancing; the other is enthusiastic about board games.

One spouse prefers the mountains to the ocean; the partner prefers bed-and-breakfast inns to resort hotels. One spouse enjoys creating elaborate salads; the other’s favorite meal is meat loaf with macaroni and cheese. Yet even with those individual differences, couples are able to participate in and enjoy a range of activities. One enjoys certain experiences more, and that is okay.

They reach a balance that recognizes individuality as well as coupleness. There is no need for a power struggle. Discrepancies in hobbies, vacations, and foods are accepted and even enjoyed.

Let us give a personal example. Emily is a quilter and an antiquer who loves craft shows, especially in small, historic towns.

Barry appreciates and enjoys these activities, but not as much.

Barry loves cities, ethnic foods, and plays, which Emily appreciates, but finds overwhelming as a steady diet. We accept these differences and work with them. Each spouse offers experiences that expand and enrich both partners’ lives. Each person is able to say no to an activity that is aversive or excessive.

For example, 2 hours is Barry’s maximum at a quilt show,he does his thing (reading, biking, or writing) and we meet later for dinner. Emily finds more than 3 days in New York intolerable, so we do not plan more than a weekend trip. Desire discrepancies are successfully accommodated. We communicate feelings and requests and reach agreements, rather than settle for lukewarm compromises.

Can couples use this model in discussing and working with discrepancies in sexual desire? We believe not only that they can; this is the preferred approach. It ends the power struggle and breaks the blame/guilt cycle. Discrepancies in sexual desire are conceptualized as a couple issue. Each spouse states feelings, makes requests, and as a couple you develop agreements that nurture desire and sexuality. Accept the desire discrepancy; do not fall into the guilt/blame trap or be coercive. Commit to marital sexuality, enjoy touching, and adopt a broad perspective on intimacy and sexuality. This provides a solid foundation from which to revitalize sexual desire.

broad-based intimacy and sexuality.

There is more to sexuality than intercourse and more to intimacy than sexuality. A key to change is awareness of the many dimensions of intimacy and sexuality. The prescription for satisfying marital sex is integrating an intimate relationship, nondemand pleasuring, and erotic scenarios and techniques. Even in the best marriages, a mutually satisfying sexual encounter does not occur all the time,in fact, the couple is lucky if it occurs most of the time. Contrary to movies, love songs, and magazines, not all sex is romantic, mutual, functional, or satisfying. There is normal variability in sexual expression.

Inhibited sexual desire often reflects an intimacy issue. How emotionally close does each spouse want to be? Is more intimacy better? Some couples prefer the best friend marital style, with a great deal of closeness; others prefer the complementary couple style of retaining autonomy with moderate closeness; others prefer the conflict-minimizing style, where personal boundaries are strong; still others adopt the emotionally expressive style, where there are periods of great closeness mixed with periods of anger and distance. You need to develop a mutually acceptable level of intimacy that fits your emotional needs and life situation.

Sexuality is one way to express intimacy, but not the sole means or even the primary means. Sharing feelings, being affectionate, cuddling on the couch and in bed, disclosing hopes and fears, and sharing your lives as trusted, respectful friends are the core of intimacy.

Sensuality and nondemand pleasuring are the basis of broad-based sexuality. Sensuality involves pleasure-oriented touching,body massage, taking showers or baths together, kissing, playful touching while clothed or semiclothed. Touching is valued for itself, occurring inside and outside the bedroom.

Staying in touch is as likely to involve a hug as it is intercourse. A hug can evolve toward arousal and orgasm, but normally does not. Cuddling before going to sleep and on awakening provides a solid basis for loving feelings. Dancing in the living room to your favorite music, while engaging in playful touching and kissing, is inviting and at times serves as a bridge to sexual desire. Giving a neck or back massage while watching TV is a way to maintain connection. Showering together in the morning or before bed can be playful and pleasurable. Nondemand pleasuring is the bedrock of a healthy sexual relationship.

Eroticism includes a range of manual, oral, rubbing, and intercourse scenarios and techniques. Eroticism serves to turn you and the spouse on. Eroticism includes intercourse, but is not limited to intercourse. To increase eroticism, you can engage in multiple stimulation before and during intercourse. Multiple stimulation involves kissing, caressing, breast stimulation, testicle stimulation, anal stimulation, and the use of fantasy.

The broader the intimate, sensual, and erotic repertoire, the easier it is to maintain sexual desire. Both partners are open to a variety of ways to express intimacy, affection, sensuality, playfulness, and eroticism. Sometimes touching is for emotional intimacy, sometimes for affection; sometimes it is playful, sometimes sensual, sometimes erotic, and sometimes lustful.

Communicating feelings and sharing touch help maintain sexual desire.

Jill and stefan.

When they finally arrived in the therapist’s office, Jill and Stefan were a demoralized couple trapped in the power struggle of whose fault it was that they had a low-sex marriage. They had been married 6 years and had a 3-year-old daughter. Jill very much wanted a second child. Stefan was angry at the lack of sex and feared that Jill only wanted him for “stud” services; he would be trapped in a child-centered marriage. Jill felt that Stefan was being irrational and withholding; before marriage they had agreed on two children. Stefan counterattacked, saying that Jill had tricked him into believing that she valued sex. Both agreed that their best sex had been premaritally. When dating, they had sex each night they were together. When they began living together, sex was three to five times a week. This decreased to once or twice a week 4 months before marriage. During that time, Jill began experiencing inhibited sexual desire.

The 2-week honeymoon to Hawaii was the beginning of the intense struggle over sexual initiation and frequency. Stefan had the expectation of daily sex, while Jill’s expectation was for a fun, scenic, romantic time. Jill felt coerced by Stefan’s sexual pressure.

Stefan felt betrayed and played with by Jill’s sexual avoidance. Jill was not orgasmic during either of the two times they had sex.

When the newlyweds returned from Hawaii, friends joked what a wonderful, sexy honeymoon it must have been, which increased the upset because the couple resented having to lie and pretend.

When you begin fighting about sexual initiation and frequency it is easy to fall into the cycle of anticipatory anxiety, negative or mediocre experiences, and sexual avoidance. Guilt and blame become the dominant emotions. This pattern was broken when they had sex with the intention of conceiving their daughter, but they quickly regressed after Jill became pregnant. Since the birth, intercourse was once or twice a month. Stefan stopped initiating because of his anger at being rejected. Jill felt that Stefan rejected her affectionate overtures, and she felt emotionally abandoned.

Even though there was severe alienation, Jill very much wanted a second child.

The therapist found it hard being in the same room with Jill and Stefan. The tension was palpable. It was easier for them to socialize with other couples and do things as a family than to be a couple.

Fortunately, neither was threatening divorce. Divorce threats add a destructive dynamic. Jill and Stefan shared life goals and religious values, parented well, and felt supported by family and friends, all of which reinforced marital stability. They thought of themselves as a viable couple, committed to their marriage.

However, the sexual problem was tearing at and weakening their marital bond. Jill questioned her love for Stefan; she saw him as irrational and mean in regard to sex. Stefan confided to the therapist that he was thinking of beginning an affair. The therapist told Stefan that affairs usually become more emotional and complicated than planned. As well, affairs are much easier to get into than out of. Stefan committed to not have an affair while they were in couple therapy.

The first therapeutic task was to break the cycle of guilt and blame. Stefan and Jill began thinking of themselves as an intimate team, striving to revitalize marital sexuality. The therapist’s optimism helped them craft an expectation that this was a changeable problem. Inhibited sexual desire was the mutual enemy Their marital commitment was the best prognostic sign for revitalizing sexuality.

Marital sex had never gotten on track, and inhibited desire was a growing threat to their marital bond. Building marital sexuality would take a great deal of communication and effort on both people’s part. Good intentions were necessary, but not enough. It is crucial to approach the problem as a couple, break the cycle of blame/guilt, and cease the attack/counterattack pattern that demoralized and drained them. Playing “Who’s the bad guy?” was getting them nowhere. Stefan agreed to stop name-calling and blaming. Jill lowered her wall of alienation and emotionally reinvested in the marriage. Reluctantly, she agreed to postpone pregnancy until sexuality was reestablished. She would use a diaphragm until a joint decision was made to become pregnant.

Stefan was hesitant to agree to a temporary prohibition on intercourse, but this acknowledged the reality of the situation.

With the performance pressure of intercourse removed, they had the freedom to explore touching as a means to feel connected and share pleasure. This was very inviting for Jill, who missed affectionate touch and sharing intimate feelings.

Rebuilding intimacy and sexuality was a complex, difficult couple task. Without the support and suggestions of the therapist, they would have given up in frustration and reverted to the guilt/ blame pattern. One of the major functions of therapy is to keep motivation high enough so that couples persevere through frustrations and setbacks to achieve the satisfaction of a pleasure oriented couple sexual style. A breakthrough for Stefan occurred when he realized that Jill was not punishing him by withholding sex. Her anxieties and inhibitions were real, not manipulative.

Most important, Stefan realized that his being an intimate spouse, rather than a coercive, angry person, helped reduce Jill’s inhibitions. When Jill realized that she could veto a sexual activity and Stefan would honor her veto, her anxiety was reduced and she felt less need to veto.

Jill found that sensual experiences led to erotic feelings. Jill was receptive and responsive to manual and oral stimulation,she preferred the term outercourse. Stefan’s rigid view that “only intercourse was sex” melted under these new experiences. It was Stefan who began insisting that not all touching had to lead to intercourse, an insight Jill greatly appreciated.

Intercourse was reintroduced as a “special pleasuring experience.” Intercourse was part of the pleasuring process, not the pass,fail test of their relationship. A side effect of the pleasuring exercises was that Stefan became a slower, more sensitive lover. This made intercourse more appealing. Jill’s sexual response was similar to that of the majority of women; orgasm with manual or oral stimulation is easier than during intercourse.

With self-acceptance and partner acceptance, Jill and Stefan developed a comfortable, functional couple sexual style. Not all touching culminated in intercourse, which helped Jill build sexual anticipation and excitement.

Becoming pregnant with a planned, wanted child is a major impetus for sexual desire. This was true not only for Jill, but for Stefan as well. Intercourse with the hope of a second child was a strong sexual motivator. In addition, they continued broad-based affectionate, sensual, and erotic experiences. This provided the bedrock for sexual desire.

Jill and Stefan were motivated to maintain and generalize sexual gains. A relapse-prevention plan is integral to sex therapy. Sexual desire cannot rest on its laurels or be taken for granted. Jill and Stefan set aside couple time, when their daughter was being watched by another parent or was asleep. Jill’s initiating sex was important, to reassure Stefan that he did not have to stay in the rigid role of always being the initiator. Equally important, Stefan learned to accept a “no” without withdrawing or punishing Jill.

Stefan did not regress to coercing Jill or calling her names. Jill did not regress to hiding behind a wall of alienation.

For Jill, the keys to generalizing sexual gains were to reinforce intimacy, be open to sensual touching, and enjoy outercourse scenarios. These continued to be her bridges for sexual desire. For Stefan, the keys were feeling that they were an intimate team, enjoying both outercourse and intercourse, and accepting sexual disappointments as normal, rather than as a source of defensiveness and blaming. Stefan and Jill agreed to implement the therapist’s suggestion that once a month they have a sensual date where orgasm and intercourse were prohibited. This allowed them freedom to play and enjoy touching.

functions of sexuality.

At its essence, sexuality is a couple, not an individual, experience.

That is another reason that inhibited sexual desire is best understood as a couple issue. Sexuality is best when both spouses feel free to initiate affectionate, sensual, playful, erotic, and intercourse experiences. Equally important, both feel free to say no or suggest an alternative way to stay connected. It is optimal that both spouses value sexuality as a shared pleasure. Couples who are comfortable with touching inside and outside of the bedroom, who are aware of the value and dimensions of touching, and who realize that not all touching leads to intercourse have a solid base for sexual desire. Each component of the sexual prescription,an intimate relationship, nondemand pleasuring, and erotic scenarios and techniques,require couple involvement.

Each person is responsible for her or his sexuality. For desire to remain vital, the couple continues to share as an intimate team.

Exercise,sexual desire as a couple issue.

This exercise involves two steps,the first is that each spouse writes self-blaming or blaming-the-partner statements. Next to each statement, they each write a healthy counter-statement that challenges irrational, self-defeating blaming. The second step is to discuss new, healthy understandings about sexual desire as a couple issue. They should write down and save these new understandings so that they can use these as a resource in the coming weeks, months, and years.

Examples of self-blaming and partner-blaming statements (with counters) include “It’s all my fault.”,Sexual desire is complex; there is not an angel and a devil.

“My spouse doesn’t love me.”,Love and sexual desire are not the same.

“It’s guilt from my Catholic background.”,Guilt inhibits sexual desire. However, Catholic couples report high desire and satisfaction. The new Catholic teaching (almost all religions agree on this) is pro-sex in marriage.

“If only my spouse would change, my desire would be fine.”,You can only change yourself. You cannot change the spouse, although you can encourage and support your spouse in making changes.

“If only I hadn’t gotten pregnant.”,“If only” thinking is self-defeating. Deal with the present; you cannot change the past.

“I can’t enjoy sex until I lose 20 pounds.”,A positive body image is important, but sexuality should not be held hostage to weight or a perfect body image. Sexual desire is based in the relationship and on giving and receiving pleasure-oriented touching.

“Romantic love is gone; there’s nothing I can do.”, Romantic love is very fragile; it seldom lasts more than 2 years and typically dissipates after 6 months. Sexual desire is based on mature intimacy, not romantic love.

“The best sex is premarital or extramarital.”,Marital sex is special and can be high quality and satisfying.

“We’ve been trapped in a no-sex marriage for so long, it will never change.”,Chronic problems are difficult, but motivated couples do revitalize marital sexuality.

“We have the only nonconsummated marriage in the city.”,Because of stigma and embarrassment, people do not discuss this problem. Nonconsummated marriages exist and the problem is resolvable.

“Since my spouse had an affair, I will never trust her or desire to be sexual with her.”,Couples can and do survive affairs. Intimacy and sexuality facilitate the healing process and are an integral component in rebuilding the trust bond.

There are many more self-defeating cognitions, but happily, there are even more rational, problem-solving counters.

The second step is to discuss sexual desire as a couple issue.

Write down understandings as a way to acknowledge and reinforce crucial insights. New understandings facilitate self-acceptance, spouse-acceptance, and being an intimate team.

Do this exercise together. Write two to five statements about inhibited sexual desire and the no-sex or low-sex marriage as a couple issue. Be sure these are clear and genuine. Examples are “There is no good guy-bad guy; inhibited sexual desire is the enemy. We will fight it together and revitalize marital sexuality.” “Our love for each other and commitment to the marriage will help us overcome this sexual problem.” “We are good people and a good couple that deserves to enjoy sexuality.” “The sexual problem has been a drain and we have been terrible to each other, but now we are committed to being an intimate team and to developing a vital, satisfying sexual relationship.” “We want to have sex and a baby. We are going to support each other in doing this.” Develop your list of statements, which will allow you to maintain an intimate team approach even when you encounter the inevitable frustrations, disappointments, and setbacks.

confronting desire problems as an intimate couple When Barry treats demoralized couples who have chronic desire problems and marriages where there has been no sex for years, the concept of being an “intimate team” is what keeps them motivated. A crucial aspect of the team concept is not to turn on or attack your spouse. You win or lose as a team. You acknowledge sexual successes and share intimate feelings. When you fail, support and encourage each other; do not engage in blaming.

Learn from the problem and plan for the next encounter. Trust that the spouse has your best interest in mind and wants you to succeed. The most powerful aphrodisiac is two involved partners where each person’s arousal plays off the other’s to create an erotic flow. This is a natural extension of the “give to get” pleasuring guideline.

Sex works best when each spouse is open and receptive. This is the opposite of the self-defeating pattern in which one spouse demands and the other feels coerced and avoids. Each spouses sexual desire and bridges to desire are acknowledged and accepted. Both the higher- and the lower-desire spouse think and talk about sexuality as a couple issue, with the shared goal of establishing a sexual relationship that nurtures the marriage. It is not “his way” or “her way”; it is finding “our way.” Quality of intimacy and sexuality is more important than quantity of intercourse. A comfortable couple sexual style is more important than sexual prowess. The focus is on sharing pleasure, not on intercourse performance. Confronting and changing the no-sex or low-sex marriage are challenges you meet as an intimate team.

When your sexual relationship is disappointing or gets off track, you view this as a lapse. Remaining on the same team ensures that it does not turn into a marital relapse.

Establish positive, realistic expectations for marital sexuality.

Sex is not the most important factor in marriage. Sex is not even the most important aspect of intimacy. Emotional closeness and giving and receiving nondemand touching are the core components of the intimate bond. Eroticism, intercourse and orgasm are special, energizing experiences. When sex works well, it plays a 15 to 20 percent role toward adding to marital vitality and satisfaction. Unfortunately, inhibited sexual desire is more powerful as a marital stress than good sex is as a marital enhancer.

Intimacy includes emotional closeness, trust, affection, sensuality, arousal, intercourse, and bonding. The most satisfying marital sexuality integrates intimacy and eroticism.

Does this mean that the individual loses his or her sexual autonomy? Not at all. Each spouse remains responsible for her or his desire, arousal, orgasm, and satisfaction. Being an intimate team does not mean giving up autonomy or blurring personal boundaries. Healthy sexuality involves developing and maintaining a comfortable, desirous, and satisfying couple sexual style.

Should every sexual experience be functional and satisfying?

This is an unrealistic expectation that will result in relapse. A positive, realistic expectation is that 40 to 50 percent of sexual encounters will be mutually satisfying, 20 to 25 percent will be good for one spouse and okay for the other, 20 to 25 percent will be good for one spouse with the other going along for the ride, and 5 to 15 percent of encounters will be mediocre, unsatisfying, or failures. This is a very different image than is portrayed in movies, on talk shows, and in novels. The reality that 5 to 15 percent of sexual experiences are mediocre, unsatisfying, or dysfunctional is particularly important. This is the kind of sex where one spouse looks at the other and says, “I hope you are enjoying this; it’s for you” and the other says, “I thought this was for you.” The partners who can laugh or shrug off these experiences and get together at a later time when they are awake, aware, desirous, involved, and responsive have the right attitude.

The couple that is frustrated, angry, panicky, or blaming is likely to relapse. Occasional mediocre or poor sexual experiences are normal.

closing thoughts.

Conceptualizing inhibited sexual desire as a couple problem has great advantages,specifically, breaking the guilt/blame cycle.

The one-two combination of personal responsibility and being an intimate team is key. Developing a broad-based couple sexual style sets the framework for satisfying marital sex. Being an intimate couple allows you to confront the no-sex or low-sex marriage and to revitalize marital sexuality.