Rekindling Desire. Chapter 1. Why Do Couples Experience a Dead End to Desire?

Part 1, Understanding, The First Step.

Chapter 1. Why Do Couples Experience a Dead End to Desire?

The number one sexual problem facing American couples is inhibited sexual desire. The second most common problem is discrepancies in sexual desire. Pundits laugh and say, What do you expect from people married 20 years? In truth, these are not the couples in trouble. Desire problems plague newly married couples, as well as unmarried couples. Contrary to cultural myths, neither boredom nor age are the main factors in inhibited sexual desire. Desire problems occur among all age groups and types of couples.

This book will explore the complex phenomena of inhibited sexual desire—specifically, low-sex and no-sex marriages. The cultural sexual revolution of the 1960s and the scientific sexual revolution of the 1970s, inaugurated by the work of Masters and Johnson, were expected to dramatically increase sexual satisfaction. Why did that not happen? What went wrong? Most important, what does this mean for your marriage? How can you understand and confront inhibited sexual desire? Are there really no-sex marriages, or are you a freak?

Take this true—false test:

the test.

1. Sex is more work than play.

2. Touching always leads to intercourse.

3. Touching takes place only in the bedroom.

4. You no longer look forward to making love.

5. Sex does not give you feelings of connection and sharing.

6. You never have sexual thoughts or fantasies about your spouse.

7. Sex is limited to a fixed time, such as Saturday night or Sunday morning.

8. One of you is always the initiator and the other feels pressure.

9. You look back on premarital sex as the best time.

10. Sex has become mechanical and routine.

11. You have sex once or twice a month at most.

If you answered true to five or more statements, true to item 11, or both, you are among the more than 40 million Americans stuck in a low-sex or no-sex marriage.

The adage in sex therapy is that when sexuality goes well, it is a positive, integral but not major component—adding 15 to 20 percent to marital vitality and satisfaction. However, when sexuality is dysfunctional or nonexistent, it assumes an inordinately powerful role, 50 to 70 percent, robbing the marriage of intimacy and vitality.

The most disruptive sexual problem is inhibited desire. If this degenerates into a no-sex or low-sex marriage, it puts tremendous pressure on the couple, especially if affection and sensuality also cease. Desire is the core of sexuality. No-sex and low-sex marriages become devitalized, especially when this occurs in the first 3 years of marriage. Unless something is done to reverse this process, divorce is a likely outcome.

The functions of marital sexuality are to create a shared pleasure, to reinforce and deepen intimacy, and to use as a tension-reducer to deal with the stresses of life and marriage. An optional function is to conceive a planned, wanted baby. No-sex and low-sex marriages negate these benefits. In addition, lack of sexuality robs the couple of special feelings and intimate connection.

the stigma of desire problems.

The initial focus of sex therapy was orgasm problems—premature ejaculation in men and nonorgasmic response (especially during intercourse) in women. The naive assumption was that if both partners had orgasms, everything would be fine. The simplistic concept was “orgasm=satisfaction.” Sexuality is complex, with many causes and many dimensions.

The four components of sexual function are desire, arousal, orgasm, and satisfaction. When therapists refer to a primary sexual dysfunction, it means the problem has always plagued the couple. Secondary dysfunction means sexuality was once fine and then became problematic. Secondary inhibited sexual desire is the most common sexual problem facing married couples.

Desire and satisfaction are the core of sexuality. It is more socially acceptable to say you have a specific dysfunction— nonorgasmic response, female arousal dysfunction, vaginismus, painful intercourse, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, or ejaculatory inhibition. It is hard to admit, “I am not interested in sex,” “I do not like sex,” or “I do not find sex enjoyable.” In our sex-satiated culture, everyone is supposed to love sex.

Research studies (the most important being the Sex in America study) find that 1 in 3 women and 1 in 7 men report inhibited sexual desire. Sometime in marriage more than 50 percent of couples experience inhibited desire or a desire discrepancy. You are not alone. Feeling stigmatized and deficient is of no value.

Desire problems are the most frequent complaint of couples seeking sex therapy. Inhibited sexual desire stresses a marriage more than any other sexual dysfunction does.

The extreme of desire problems is a no-sex marriage. The couple falls into the cycle of anticipatory anxiety, negative experiences, and, eventually, sexual avoidance. Sex is more of a pain than a pleasure. The partners did not plan to have a no-sex marriage; it is a pattern they fell into. A no-sex marriage does not mean total abstinence, but that sex occurs less than 10 times a year. A low-sex marriage means being sexual less than every other week (i.e., less than 25 times a year). Approximately 20 percent (one in five) of married couples have a no-sex relationship. An additional 15 percent of married couples have a low-sex relationship. One in three nonmarried couples who have been together more than 2 years have a no-sex relationship.

The longer the couple avoids sexual contact, the harder it is to break the cycle. Avoidance becomes a self-fulfilling trap. The longer the partners are in a low-sex or no-sex marriage, the more they blame each other. The more shameful they feel, the harder it is to break the cycle. The couple that has not resumed sexual contact 6 months after the baby was born faces one set of problems, but the couple that has not been sexual for 6 years faces a more daunting task. Yet the strategy for change is the same—renew intimacy, engage in nondemand pleasuring, and add erotic scenarios and techniques. The more chronic the problem, the more difficult is the change process. Maintaining motivation is a major challenge. Confronting avoidance and inhibitions is more difficult for the couple that has stopped being affectionate. The good news is that motivated couples are able to reestablish touching, desire, arousal, and intercourse.

the nonconsummated marriage.

The number of couples that do not consummate their marriages is difficult to estimate because it is a shameful secret. One in four couples has an unsuccessful or painful first intercourse. As many as 1.5 percent of marriages are not consummated the first year, and about half of those remain unconsummated. Most of these couples were sexually active premaritally, but ceased intercourse before marriage and were unsuccessful at resuming. Another pattern is that a specific dysfunction, such as vaginismus or ejaculatory inhibition, makes intercourse very difficult or impossible. Some couples maintain desire and enjoy nonintercourse sex. Most people in nonconsummated marriages avoid any sensual or sexual activity.

Embarrassment over a nonconsummated marriage dominates their lives. The woman avoids gynecological examinations because she does not want to answer questions about sexual activity. If she has never had intercourse or suffers from vaginismus (spasming of the vaginal opening so that insertion is very painful or impossible), she avoids a vaginal exam or having a pap smear. The stigma for the male is just as severe. He views the nonconsummated marriage as an attack on his masculinity.

The couple treats this as a “shameful secret,” not talking to friends, doctors, or a minister, which furthers alienation and stigma. The partners do not even talk to each other. It is important to realize that non-consummated marriages, no-sex marriages, low-sex marriages, and marriages controlled by inhibited desire are more common than thought. Sexual problems can be addressed and resolved. You can revitalize your sexual bond and rebuild desire and functioning. It requires motivation, focus, and working as an intimate team.

what is normal sexuality?

Before 1970, we lacked scientific information about sexual function and dysfunction, had only poor quality educational materials, and suffered from inhibition, guilt, and limited communication. Sexual myths and misinformation were rampant.

An astounding increase in knowledge has occurred during the past 30 years. Unfortunately, this has not resulted in improved sexual functioning. There are as many sexual problems in the 21st century as in the 1950s, although the types of problems have changed.

We have better scientific information about sexual function and dysfunction than at any time in human history. There is a plethora of educational materials and self-help books. Sexuality is discussed in arenas ranging from pulpits to talk shows. Sexual themes dominate our culture, especially TV, movies, and music.

There is an enormous amount of sexual discussion, although the quality is low, with a confusing medley of fact and fiction. Naive, repressive myths have been replaced by unrealistic, performance-oriented myths. Guilt has been replaced by performance anxiety. There has been no net gain for sexual pleasure. Sexual anxieties, inhibitions, and problems are still the norm.

Sexuality is a complex, crucial aspect of life and marriage. We are respectful of individual, couple, and cultural differences in the functions and meanings of sexuality. There is not “one right way” to be sexual.

Concepts that promote healthy sexuality are 1. Sex is more than genitals, intercourse, and orgasm. Sexuality involves attitudes, feelings, perceptions, and values. Sexuality is a natural, healthy element in life. It need not be a source of guilt or negative feelings.

2. Sexuality is an integral aspect of your personality. You deserve to feel good about your body and yourself as a sexual person.

3. The essence of sexuality is giving and receiving pleasure-oriented touching.

4. Express sexuality so that it enhances your life and your intimate relationship.

The four components of sexual functioning are:

1. Desire—Positive anticipation and feeling that you deserve sexual pleasure.

2. Arousal—Being receptive and responsive to touching and genital stimulation.

3. Orgasm—Letting go and allowing arousal to naturally culminate in orgasm.

4. Satisfaction—Feeling emotionally and physically bonded after a sexual experience.

Healthy sexual functioning allows both people to enjoy pleasure.

A key element is having realistic expectations, accepting the inherent variability and flexibility of sexual experiences. Novels and movies emphasize free-flowing, nonverbal, powerful sexuality where desire is intense. Arousal is quick, orgasm always occurs for both (simultaneously), and it is marvelous. This sells movies and novels, but makes real people feel inadequate and deficient. If partners experience powerful desire, arousal, orgasm, and satisfaction twice a month, they can count themselves lucky and should celebrate those special times. Less than half the sexual experiences of well-functioning couples involve equal desire, arousal, and orgasm. Typically, one partner is more into sex, although the other enjoys the experience or at least appreciates going along for the ride. Five to 15 percent of sexual experiences are mediocre, unsatisfying, or failures. This, too, is normal. You are not a perfectly functioning sexual machine. You are two individuals sharing sexuality. There is built-in variability and, occasionally, dissatisfaction or dysfunction.

Fifty percent of married couples (and over 60 percent of unmarried couples) experience sexual dysfunction or dissatisfaction. Inhibited sexual desire and discrepancies in desire are the most common complaints, so you have plenty of company.

One spouse (usually the male) initiates and encourages sexual contact, so even if dysfunctional or unsatisfying, marital sex continues. Some people with desire problems do not have difficulty with arousal and orgasm once they begin. As a client said, “Once stimulation starts, I get turned on and come; it’s the wanting to be sexual that stymies me.” Pundits call it “lack of wanta.” Occasional lack of desire is normal. At times, it is healthy. You wonder about people who have high sexual desire in times of couple conflict, dealing with an ill child, after a funeral, facing a financial crunch, or during a work crisis. It is unhealthy to use sex as a way of denying or avoiding reality.

It is normal to occasionally have differences in desire.

Sometimes one partner wants a hug, the other wants an orgasm.

What is not normal is chronic inhibited desire, a no-sex or low-sex marriage, or constant conflict over sex.

romantic love and sexual chemistry.

We have been socialized by movies, songs, and novels to believe that romantic love and sexual chemistry are the powerful, driving forces that carry couples to the heights of ecstacy. Sex is smooth, passionate, spontaneous, and uninhibited. Movie sex is spectacular sex; the fact that it has nothing to do with real couples’ sex lives is beside the point of the magical media hype.

Romantic love, with its idealization of the partner and the relationship, plays a powerful role in initial attraction. Romantic love is inherently unstable, usually ending before marriage or seldom lasting past the first year. Sexual chemistry is very explosive and equally short-lived. Couples report “hot” sex at the beginning when they see each other on weekends, but experience sexual disappointment when living together or married. “Where did the passion go?” Hot sex based on romantic love and passion disappears, as it should. These cannot maintain desire. Sexual desire is based on emotional and sexual intimacy, not on romantic love or passionate sex. Comfort, attraction, and trust nurture desire after the heat of sexual chemistry is long gone. The prescription for maintaining sexual desire is integrating intimacy, nondemand pleasuring, and erotic scenarios and techniques.

Couples who believe that the way to rebuild desire is to rekindle romantic love and reignite sexual passion are heading into a dead end. The keys to revitalizing marital sexuality are building bridges to desire, increasing intimacy, enjoying nondemand pleasuring, and creating erotic scenarios. Broad-based, flexible sexuality provides a solid foundation for marriage. Sexual desire is essentially interpersonal, not individual. The partners learn to think, talk, act, and feel like an intimate team. Each spouse facilitates and reinforces the other’s sexual feelings and desires, rather than colluding in sexual avoidance.

Maintaining comfort, attraction, and trust is an active process.

Each person takes the initiative and designs a pleasurable or erotic scenario. The spouse is open and receptive. Inhibitions and avoidance are confronted. This requires commitment and working together. Change is usually gradual, rather than dramatic. There will be difficulties, set-backs, disappointments, and lapses, but if the partners stay with the process, they will succeed. Once sexuality is reestablished, they need to generalize and maintain gains. Benign neglect subverts sexual desire.

Relapse prevention is an active process. Good intentions and loving feelings are necessary, but not sufficient, to maintain a vital sexual bond.

who we are and the plan of the book.

We have been married 36 years and see sexuality as a vital, integral part of our marital bond. Since 1980 we have been a writing team; this is our seventh coauthored book. We have complementary skills—Barry is a Ph. D. clinical psychologist, and certified sex and marital therapist; Emily has a degree in speech communication.

Our previous sexuality books include a conceptual book, Couple Sexual Awareness (1998); a book using sexual exercises to increase comfort and skill, Sexual Awareness (2002); as well as Male Sexual Awareness (1998) and Female Sexual Awareness (1989).

A significant part of Barry’s clinical practice is with couples suffering from inhibited desire or stuck in no-sex or low-sex marriages. He has treated over 2,500 couples who have sexual problems and dysfunction. Typically, the problems have gone on for years, and the partners feel ashamed and embarrassed. They mistakenly believe that they are the only couple with this problem and approach therapy with a great deal of hesitancy Layers of frustration, resentment, and blaming have built and are a greater threat to the marriage than is the sexual problem itself.

Our motivation for writing this book is to provide knowledge, support, and hope for couples facing inhibited desire and a no-sex or low-sex marriage. Sexual problems need not control a marriage or dominate the couple’s feelings. Women are unfairly blamed for sexual difficulties; guilt and shame further inhibit desire. We believe in working as an intimate team and using a range of affectionate, sensual, playful, and erotic bridges to rekindle desire.

This is not meant to be read like a textbook. We encourage you to identify issues that are personally relevant and to focus on those. Each chapter is self-contained. The material can be read for information and ideas, but it is best used as an interactive learning medium. We encourage you to read together as a couple and discuss what is personally significant. One technique is to take turns reading aloud, stopping at important points to discuss.

Another method is for both of you to underline or star the points you feel are relevant. Then read these, underlining or marking what is important to you. Discuss issues. Try suggested strategies, involve yourselves in relevant exercises, and develop communication and sexual skills.

This is a book of ideas, guidelines, and exercises, not a “do-it-your-self therapy.” The more information and understanding the partners have, the better decisions they will make. Knowledge is power. We draw on case studies of clients Barry has treated (names and details are altered to protect confidentiality). Most chapters contain an exercise to make the assessment and change process personal and concrete. We encourage you to engage in exercises that are helpful and feel free to skip those that are not. Exercises are not rigid or set in concrete; feel free to modify them so that you get the most you can from these experiences.

self-help and therapy.

This is a self-help book, not a substitute for individual, marital, or sex therapy. The most efficacious use is as an adjunctive resource while in therapy. We offer information, guidelines, case examples, exercises, and personal observations, and we suggest change strategies and techniques. Increasing awareness and reducing myths and stigma are crucial. Information, understanding, and attitude change will challenge inhibited desire, but this is not enough.

Sexuality has a major cognitive component—the most important element for desire is positive anticipation. Attitudes about deserving sexual pleasure and your rights as a sexual person promote healthy sexuality. Yet sexuality is not a cognitive activity.

Sexuality involves emotions and interaction—sharing intimacy, pleasure, and erotic feelings. The more severe and chronic the inhibited desire, the harder it is to develop the courage to take risks and reinstitute touching and sexual expression.

Sex therapy has a number of advantages over a self-help book.

Therapy promotes hope and maintains motivation in the face of frustration or disappointment. The change process is never as easy or straightforward as is portrayed in books. The typical process is “two steps forward, one step back.” The therapist helps the couple to stay focused and reinforces motivation for change. Having a regular therapy appointment and feeling accountable are valuable in breaking the impasse of a no-sex or low-sex marriage. The therapist’s empathy and insights are vital. The therapist’s respecting and caring about each person promote self-respect and mutual caring. The therapist can guide the couple toward other valuable helping resources. Guidelines for choosing a marital or sexual therapist are presented in appendix 1.

can all marriages be saved?

The traditional view was that all marriages could and should be saved. Divorce was viewed as a failure. This is untrue and self-defeating. Marriages that are fatally flawed, abusive, or destructive or those that subvert well-being are not worth preserving. We are definitely pro-marriage, but divorce is the healthy alternative when the marriage is fatally flawed or destructive.

A marriage that meets needs for intimacy and security is of great value. The marital bond of respect and trust motivates the couple to revitalize sexual intimacy. When respect and trust are lacking, trying to restore intimacy is a useless struggle.

A no-sex or low-sex marriage robs the couple of intimate feelings, especially when affection and sensuality are absent.

Unless this changes or there are other sources of satisfaction, the marriage probably will not survive. The marriage might have genuine strengths, but inability to resolve sexual problems overwhelms the relationship. We hope this book can revitalize your marriage or at least revive hopefulness and motivate you to seek marital or sex therapy.

secrets and hidden agendas.

Inhibited sexual desire and no-sex or low-sex marriages have a multitude of causes, especially sexual secrets and hidden agendas.

Most of these can be dealt with; others symbolize a fatally flawed marriage. Examples of secrets that can be dealt with are shame over childhood sexual abuse, guilt over an idiosyncratic masturbation pattern, and sexual avoidance due to fear of failure.

Examples of secrets that reflect a fatally flawed marriage are a homosexual orientation and hidden sexual life, marrying for convenience or security but no genuine feeling for the spouse, and a continuing comparison affair that subverts the marital bond because emotional and sexual needs are being met through the affair.

Ideally, the trust bond is enhanced by openness. Disclosing secrets facilitates trust. Sharing secrets (such as embarrassing or traumatic childhood incidents) helps the individual. Other secrets (such as telling the spouse that one of his or her children was born through an affair) can destroy the marital bond. Secrets inhibit sexual desire and should be shared with someone—if not the spouse, then with a therapist, minister, sibling, or best friend.

Hidden agendas are even more sensitive and explosive. Some can be dealt with, whereas others indicate a fatally flawed marriage. Couples can deal with fear of pregnancy, fear of being abandoned, shame about a fetish arousal pattern, lack of desire caused by a side effect of medication, being afraid to raise sexual issues because the spouse would leave, or pretending you lack desire in order to protect a spouse who is obsessed with sexual performance. Hidden agendas destroy sexual anticipation—they need to be disclosed and dealt with. Hidden agendas that produce a fatally flawed marriage include the man who married because of a sexual attraction to the stepchildren and who has little or no attraction to his spouse, a woman who married her spouse for money or security and uses sex to placate him, a woman who has decided to leave the marriage after her child graduates high school and so avoids sexual contact, and a man who is homosexual and uses the marriage as a social cover for business or professional reasons. These marriages cannot and should not be saved. The healthy alternative is divorce—hidden agendas control the relationship, resulting in a sham marriage.

Dealing with secrets or hidden agendas by yourself is extremely difficult. Individual or couple therapy can help you understand the dilemma and reach a resolution. Hidden agendas are very hard to address without professional help. Even with an objective third party, there is unpredictability and potential explosiveness.

Sometimes both spouses have a hidden agenda, but usually it is one spouse. People with hidden agendas fear (often rightly) that these will be used against them to blame them for all of the problems or be used by lawyers in a divorce proceeding. If the goal is to revitalize the sexual bond, the hidden agenda must be addressed and dealt with.

is the sexual problem a symptom or a cause?

The question of whether a marital problem causes a sexual problem or the sexual problem causes marital dissatisfaction is more than a chicken-and-egg argument. Human behavior is overdetermined, with many causes and many dimensions. Any simple answer is likely to be wrong or, at least, incomplete.

Sexuality is a positive, integral component of marital intimacy.

Although no-sex or low-sex marriages can function satisfactorily, these are the minority. Some couples maintain a respectful, trusting bond and are good parents even though sexuality is dysfunctional or absent. Other couples have an angry, alienated, nonsupportive marriage, and the only thing that works is sex.

The most common pattern is a couple that has a good relationship, but struggles unsuccessfully with inhibited desire.

Over time, the sexual problem becomes severe and chronic. Sexual problems undermine marriages by robbing them of intimate connection and energy. The sexual problem increasingly defines the marriage; blaming and resentment build. In well-functioning marriages, sexuality plays a 15 to 20 percent role in terms of vitality and satisfaction. With a chronic inhibited desire problem, sexuality plays an inordinately powerful role, draining positive feelings and tearing at the marital fabric.

Another pattern is that relationship conflicts, especially those involving anger, are played out through sexual conflict. Anger is the main cause of secondary inhibited sexual desire. Withholding or avoiding sex makes a statement, a way to fight back. Although this is usually a female reaction, males shut down sexually as a way to express anger. Sometimes this is a conscious choice; more often it is not. Anger can involve a sexual issue (demand for oral sex, a discovered extramarital affair, conflict over birth control), but more often anger involves a relationship problem. Common causes of anger may be concern about drinking and driving, not feeling supported in a family conflict, out-of-control arguments that include slapping and pushing, conflicts over spending, and feeling that your spouse is taking advantage of you. As alienation increases, “hot” angry thoughts build on themselves. Attempts to bridge the emotional gap with affectionate touching or sexual activity are met with angry rebuffs, increasing frustration and isolation. Emotional and sexual distance feeds the angry cycle. The partners find themselves trapped in an alienated low-sex or no-sex marriage.

No-sex or low-sex marriages happen; it is not the spouse s intention. The exception is when that is the hidden agenda.

Examples of hidden agendas include when one spouse is gay and has married for a convenient cover or the spouse has a paraphiliac arousal pattern (exhibitionism, fetishism, pedophilia, obscene phone calls), with little desire for intimate sex. Seeking out Internet pornography and chatrooms can become a compulsive pattern, subverting desire for couple sex. These are male patterns. Female hidden agendas are fear of pregnancy or pain during intercourse, resulting in sexual avoidance. There are nonsexual hidden agendas, which include marrying for security, money, social approval, or religious pressure but with lack of caring and attraction. There is little hope for these marriages unless the core issues that block a genuine marital bond are addressed. Unless both individuals are willing to confront the hidden agenda and build a solid marital bond, divorce is the healthy alternative.

Fertility problems are a common cause of inhibited sexual desire. Sex with the intention of becoming pregnant is an aphrodisiac. For 85 percent of couples under 30 and 70 percent of couples over 30, becoming pregnant is usually easy (often, too easy). Couples in the unlucky minority find that as time goes on, frustration builds. The process of undergoing a fertility assessment, with increasingly intrusive, painful, and expensive tests and interventions, weakens the desire of the most ardent couple. Fertility problems are no fun. Self-blame and blaming the spouse are easy traps. Fertility problems can bring out the worst in people. Infertility dominates self-esteem, the marriage, and sexuality. They stop being sexual except during the high probability week. Sex becomes a pressured performance to achieve pregnancy, with little pleasure, warmth, or feeling of connection. Couples dealing with a fertility issue need a great deal of support, which includes using touching, sensuality, and eroticism to energize themselves during the non-high probability periods of the month.

Another problematic pattern is conflict about intercourse frequency. Instead of broad-based pleasuring and a variety of bridges to desire, it is a “yes—no” question—are we going to have intercourse? If not, there is no touching. If every touch is a demand for intercourse, the pressure is up and the pleasure is down.

Emotional intimacy and non-demand pleasuring are sacrificed to intercourse pressure. The result is inhibited desire. Intimacy, comfort, and pleasure lead to sexual anticipation. Conflict and pressure lead to inhibited desire. Quality is more important than frequency Sexuality is more than genitals, intercourse, and orgasm. Guidelines that promote desire include the beliefs that touching is valued for itself, touching occurs both inside and outside the bedroom, and not all touching must result in intercourse.

Another pattern is that if sexual dysfunction increasingly dominates the relationship, one or both partners would rather avoid than try to be sexual. The dysfunction, whether erectile problems, premature ejaculation, nonorgasmic response, vaginismus, or ejaculatory inhibition, controls the relationship.

The dysfunctional spouse feels embarrassed or humiliated. To avoid bad feelings, she avoids sex. This is an especially destructive trap for males with erectile dysfunction. If he cannot be guaranteed an erection sufficient for intercourse, he does not want to try. Premature ejaculation or ejaculatory inhibition is frustrating, but does not cause the couple to stop being sexual.

Female dysfunction subverts desire, but the couple is unlikely to stop sexual activity, especially when the male continues to initiate.

With vaginismus (which blocks intercourse), couples can enjoy nonintercourse erotic scenarios and techniques.

If sexual dysfunction does not reverse within 6 months, it is unlikely to spontaneously clear up. The typical outcome is that the problem becomes severe and chronic, negating anticipation and desire. Functional sex alone does not build anticipation, but dysfunctional sex drains desire.

A myriad of factors inhibit desire and lead to a no-sex or low-sex marriage. Understanding the pattern is a helpful, and usually necessary, step in resolving the problem. Most important is the commitment to restore intimacy and sexuality. No matter what originally started the sexual slide, once the pattern is established, chronicity, blaming, and avoidance solidify the problem.

The individual cannot resolve sexual problems alone or by sheer willpower. The partners have to work together. Being an “intimate team” is the cornerstone of this approach. The way to rebuild desire is a one-two combination of taking personal responsibility for sexuality and being an intimate team. Trust that the spouse will make a good faith effort to deal with inhibitions, anxieties, and traps. Be open to renewed ways to connect physically and emotionally and build bridges to sexual desire.

maintaining a vital marital and sexual bond.

The change process is complex and difficult, but doable. Couples begin to experience desire, break the sexual hiatus, enjoy pleasuring, and resume intercourse. Once the cycle of the low-sex or no-sex marriage is broken, you cannot rest on your laurels. To maintain a vital sexual bond, you have to commit time and energy.

The most important components in maintaining desire are to be an intimate team; anticipate sexual encounters; realize that sex is more than intercourse and orgasm; nurture bridges for desire; be open to flexible, variable sexual scenarios; and maintain a regular rhythm of affectionate and sexual contact.

It is normal for 5 to 15 percent of sexual experiences to be mediocre, unsatisfying, or failures. Do not overreact to a negative experience; especially do not avoid touching. Keeping intimate contact is the best way to ensure that a sexual lapse does not turn into a marital relapse.

Value emotional and sexual intimacy. Both people can enjoy affection, sensuality, playfulness, eroticism, and intercourse. Not all touching can or should lead to intercourse. Both planned intimacy dates and spontaneous sexual encounters promote a vital sexuality. The greater the number of bridges for desire and openness to variable, flexible sexual scenarios, the more likely you will maintain your gains. Sexuality nurtures and energizes your marital bond.

using this book to revitalize marital sexuality.

This book can help you understand and resolve the complex, draining problem of inhibited sexual desire and the low-sex or no-sex marriage. We encourage you to seek marital or sex therapy, rather than trying to do it on your own. Overcoming desire problems requires awareness, understanding, working as an intimate team, active confrontation of avoidance and inhibitions, maintaining motivation, not overreacting to difficulties and failures, and using all of your resources and supports. Increased awareness and knowledge are helpful, but not sufficient, to break the cycle of the low-sex or no-sex marriage. Increasing understanding is the first step in the 10-step change process.

Use this book as an interactive learning medium; do not just passively read. Read it aloud or highlight what is personally relevant. Discuss issues. Try exercises that are relevant; feel free to redo or individualize these to promote awareness and comfort.

Discuss guidelines and case studies, and implement what is meaningful and helpful. Use suggested strategies and techniques to empower change. Confront guilt and shame; do not beat up on yourself or feel stigmatized because of sexual problems. You deserve to feel good about yourself as a sexual person and to allow sexuality to nurture and energize your marital bond. This book is a resource in the healing journey to renewed sexual vitality and satisfaction.