Intimacy and nondemand pleasuring are necessary for sexual satisfaction, but are not sufficient. For arousal and orgasm, you need erotic scenarios and techniques.
When people think of erotic sex, they recall movies featuring passion, romance, youthful couples, or extramarital affairs. Have you ever seen erotic marital sex in the movies? Is there eroticism after marriage? You can create eroticism in your marriage and revitalize sexual desire. Arousal, intercourse, and orgasm are not the core of a sexual relationship, but are integral components. The prescription for a vital sexual relationship is integrating intimacy, nondemand pleasuring, and erotic stimulation.
Couples plagued by inhibited sexual desire and a no-sex or low-sex marriage do not have erotic scenarios. Premarital sex was good because of newness, romantic love, and wanting to please the partner. Yet these couples did not have the comfort, communication, or freedom to share special turn-ons and erotic scenarios. Young couples, especially males, find that sexual functioning is easy and predictable. However, the quality is often mediocre or worse. If sex remains poor quality, then anticipation declines and frustration increases. Do not treat your sexual relationship with benign neglect. This leads to resentment, alienation, and avoidance. Eventually, one or both spouses develop inhibited sexual desire. Unless one pushes to maintain contact, you fall into a low-sex or no-sex marriage.
Couples with primary sexual dysfunction are open to a new approach. Building a vital sexuality is easier because the concept of developing bridges to desire and erotic scenarios is new and inviting. Optimism is high. Awareness, comfort, being an intimate team, nondemand pleasuring, and erotic scenarios and techniques facilitate desire.
A significant number of couples had good-quality sex and then lost desire and eroticism. For some, good sex ended with the birth of the first child. For others, a sexual conflict (an affair, dysfunction, or an unplanned pregnancy), a practical conflict involving jobs or living conditions, or an emotional conflict destroyed sexual intimacy. When the couple avoids, communication and sexual skills atrophy. What had been easy and flowing becomes awkward, self-conscious, and difficult. It is reassuring for partners to know they have experienced eroticism so they can again in the future. It is hard to accept that you cannot magically turn back the clock. You can build bridges for desire and create erotic scenarios. Knowing that you have the potential for eroticism is helpful, but you have to be open to experiment, communicate, and play.
sexual desire and eroticism.
It is possible to maintain sexual desire with minimal eroticism.
Some couples have a pattern where one spouse (usually the male) initiates sex once a week. Sex is functional, even if not particularly fun. For other couples, sex is tied to becoming pregnant, is viewed as a duty, or is part of the commitment to the marriage.
Anticipating erotic, arousing sex is a major motivator in revitalizing sexual desire. Sharing high levels of arousal and letting go and being orgasmic are energizing. The essence of eroticism is using scenarios and techniques to increase involvement and arousal. This includes, but is not limited to, intercourse. Ideally, each spouses arousal plays off the others. The “give to get” pleasure guideline is generalized to giving and getting erotic stimulation. The main aphrodisiac is an involved, aroused partner. Couples find that giving and receiving multiple stimulation enhance arousal. The more you turn your partner on, the more turned on you feel. Mutual arousal and multiple stimulation build high levels of eroticism.
Feeling open and receptive is the underpinning of eroticism. If you think of arousal as being a 10-point scale, where 0 is feeling neutral and 10 is being orgasmic, you cannot jump from 0 to 8 with erotic scenarios. Erotic techniques and scenarios assume your openness and receptivity to touching and genital stimulation, your being at least 3 and preferably 5 on the arousal scale before transitioning to erotic stimulation.
Erotic techniques during the pleasuring/foreplay phase include mutual manual stimulation; his doing oral breast stimulation and manual vulva stimulation, while she caresses his penis; her giving fellatio, while he does breast stimulation and utilizes fantasy; kneeling, kissing, and engaging in mutual genital stimulation; watching a sexy movie, undressing each other, and erotically touching; verbalizing or playing out a sexual fantasy; standing in front of a mirror so that you have visual feedback while doing manual and oral stimulation. There are a variety of pleasuring positions, variations in stimulation, and uses of fantasy, lotions, music, movement, and scenarios to enhance erotic feelings.
Multiple stimulation can and should be integrated with intercourse. Why cease multiple stimulation because the penis is in the vagina? Many couples find that multiple stimulation is most erotic during intercourse. This includes switching intercourse positions two or three times; enjoying kissing or breast stimulation; using the man’s hand, woman’s s hand, or vibrator for additional clitoral stimulation; the woman giving testicle stimulation; fantasizing during intercourse; enjoying buttock or anal stimulation; using intercourse positions (like side-by-side) that facilitate body contact; and taking a break for manual or oral stimulation, then resuming intercourse.
Arousal and orgasm are important, but are not the core of sexuality. Desire and emotional satisfaction are the critical elements of a vital sexual relationship. Unless you experience anticipation, receptivity, and involvement, even the most erotic scenarios and techniques will not elicit arousal.
creative and erotic sex.
When people think passion, excitement, and eroticism, they focus on premarital or extramarital affairs. Why are people willing to take sexual risks with a new person, but not with the spouse?
Erotic sex connotes new, illicit, swept away, “fun but dirty.” Can couples with chronic desire problems learn to enjoy sex that is intimate, exciting, erotic, and satisfying? Yes!
It is not technique alone, or even primarily, that serves to eroticize sex. Sexuality is enhanced by anticipation, playfulness, and experimentation, but, above all, awareness of feelings and openness to creative expression. Sexual creativity emanates from three sources: awareness of feelings, thoughts, and fantasies; a dynamic process between you and the spouse that includes touching, teasing, and nonverbal cues; and openness to experimenting with erotic scenarios and techniques. Eroticism need not reach a Hollywood-level lustful performance. Critical components are multiple stimulation, creativity, and letting go.
Arousing, erotic sex can and does exist in the context of a marital bond. Intimacy and eroticism complement each other. Erotic sex energizes the couple bond and adds a special dimension to your marriage.
guidelines for erotic experiences.
Creative sexuality is a voluntary, pleasure-oriented, mutual experience. A major poison for desire is intimate coercion. This involves sexual demands where the stated or implied threat is that if one person does not give the other what the other wants, there will be a negative consequence. Sex is then neither intimate nor voluntary; it is a demand performance under threat of punishment. Intimate coercion includes the threat of an affair if the spouse does not have sex, withholding love or money if a specific sex act does not occur, being distant or angry if there is no sex, or using sex as a bribe.
What is erotic for one spouse might feel “kinky” or distasteful to the other. Experimentation should not be to prove anything to anyone, involve performance demands, or be manipulative or coercive. Focus on eroticism, not performance; on requests, not demands; on honesty, not manipulation. Remember, you are trying to revitalize sex with your intimate friend, not coerce that person to have sex your way Exercise,creating erotic couple scenarios.
One of the most fascinating aspects of sexuality is the differences in what people find erotic. When exploring turn-ons, you do not have to prove anything to yourself, your spouse, or anyone else.
Request and share scenarios and techniques that heighten your desire and arousal.
The husband takes the first initiation. From a smorgasbord of erotic turn-ons, he chooses what he would like to try or designs something of his own. Erotic couple scenarios include slow, mutual kissing and touching, followed by rapid, intense intercourse; making love while watching a favorite R-rated video; being sexual in the shower or right after, so that both partners are fresh for oral sex; reading a sexual fantasy aloud or playing out the fantasy; using a favorite lotion to heighten erotic sensations as the partners stimulate each other to orgasm; a quick, intense intercourse followed by afterplay, where he gives her as many orgasms as she wants; having intercourse standing up or with her sitting on the bed and him kneeling; and mixing manual and oral sex until both partners are highly aroused, with intercourse in the woman-on-top position, where he engages in manual clitoral stimulation and she strokes her breasts. The man creates scenarios that are personally inviting and a turn-on. The woman is open to his requests and desires. They share turn-ons that heighten eroticism and arousal.
The wife designs her creative erotic scenario. This is a sharing, not a competition. She can explore external turn-ons and use milieu and special techniques to heighten eroticism. The husband can veto anything he finds negative, but is encouraged to be open and experimental. Examples include being sexual in front of a mirror and enjoying visual feedback; watching an erotic or X-rated video; being sexual in the guest room, living room, or family room; using vibrator stimulation; being sexual on a deserted beach; sex in a shower or jacuzzi; using play aids (a feather, silk sheets, mittens); being sexual in the back seat of the car in remembrance of adolescence; using “toys” like loosely tied ropes or a paddle for spanking; being sexual at a bed-and-breakfast, upscale hotel, or funky inn; lighting a scented candle and putting on their favorite music; and being sexual under the stars during a camping trip.
Whether creating scenarios individually or mutually, partners should be open to their spouses’ feelings and requests. They should not set artificial barriers between sex play and intercourse.
They can experiment with positions, multiple stimulation, expressing feelings,and enjoy creative, flowing, erotic sexuality.
Creative sexuality does not end with orgasm. Parners can stay connected and enjoy afterplay.
Intimacy and eroticism can be successfully integrated. Eroticism builds anticipation and desire.
realistic sexual expectations.
Couples envy friends in a new relationship who feel in love, are lustful, and brag about fantastic sex. Instead of going for ice cream after a movie, they rush home to have sex. It is hard not to be envious. The romantic love, passionate sex phase is great, but is precarious and time-limited. Unfortunately, “hot sex” couples have high rates of dysfunction and low-sex or no-sex marriages.
Part of that is the natural transition of time and experience, but a prime cause is unrealistic expectations. Passionate, driven sex does not last. It needs to be replaced by mature, intimate sexuality that integrates eroticism to energize the marital bond. That is a positive, realistic expectation. Striving to return to the lustful, passionate, super-charged sex of the first few months is unrealistic and crazy-making.
Empirical studies of sexually well-fimctioning, happily married couples present a very different view than the media hype. The average married couple has sex one or two times a week. The normal range of sexual frequency is between three times a week to once every 2 weeks. In 40 to 50 percent of sexual experiences both partners feel desirous, aroused, orgasmic, and satisfied. So the ideal sexual scenario occurs less than half the time, even with well-functioning couples. Other patterns include one spouse being highly satisfied while the other is satisfied, one spouse being satisfied while the other finds it okay, and one feels satisfied, whereas the other went along for the ride. These are acceptable and realistic, but quite different from the sex portrayed in movies and novels. Of particular interest is that 5 to 15 percent of sexual experiences are mediocre, disappointments, or failures. That, too, is a realistic part of marital sexuality. You know that partners are cured when they are able to laugh or shrug off a negative experience. They look forward to getting together in the next day or two when they are feeling desirous, receptive, and responsive.
What is a realistic expectation regarding creative, erotic scenarios? If you have one or two special sexual experiences a month, count yourselves lucky. You cannot expect each encounter to be special nor can you expect each erotic scenario to be fabulous.
Erotic scenarios sometimes turn out to be duds. This is not to discourage you, but to emphasize realistic expectations. If 85 percent of erotic scenarios are successful, you can feel very good about yourselves as a sexual couple.
Danielle and jacob.
Danielle was 34 and in her first marriage to 47-year-old Jacob, for whom this was a second marriage. Jacob has two adolescent children from his first marriage.
Danielle met Jacob through work. They were friends for 2 years before becoming sexually involved. Danielle’s premarital pattern was that she always had a boyfriend and sex went fine, although as the relationship progressed, sex became less important. She was 29 when she became involved with Jacob; they had been married 4 years.
Jacob was sexually active before his first marriage at 26. He was disappointed when sex slipped into a once-a-week Saturday night routine, functional but unexciting. Divorce had been difficult. The wife left, saying that he was more interested in his job and hobbies than in being a husband. The years between marriages were stressful. Jacob did not enjoy the dating scene.
Jacob had been a professional mentor for Danielle. He was attracted to her intelligence and enthusiasm, which combated Jacob’s dour life outlook. Jacob felt attracted, but it was a safe attraction. He enjoyed hearing stories of the ups and downs of Danielle’s s relationships. Then they attended a convention in Boca Raton, Florida,a romantic milieu. After the inaugural speech, they went with a group for dinner, which evolved into drinking and dancing. Jacob was acutely aware of how attractive Danielle looked and what a sexy dancer she was. Jacob felt awkward and resisted dancing, but impulsively suggested that they have a drink at the bar on the beach. After two drinks, Danielle suggested dancing on the sand where no one could see them. They still argue about who seduced whom.
The first 6 months were a very exciting time. They kept the fact they were a couple from work colleagues, which added to the sense of intrigue. Jacob felt sexually revitalized, as if he were 25 again. Danielle felt totally in love and amazed at having a relationship with a man of Jacob’s maturity and professional status. Especially exciting were their weekends away. They forgot about work and really cut loose. Danielle had never been involved with an older man and was pleased to find that the stories and jokes her girlfriends told were not true of Jacob. He was desirous and sophisticated and had excellent ejaculatory control (this had been a problem in Danielle’s prior relationships).
Romantic love and passionate sex are great at the beginning of a relationship, but set a couple up for frustration and resentment later. Unfortunately, this was the outcome for Danielle and Jacob.
Nonsexual factors interfered first. Danielle expected to win over his children (which she did years later), but the initial meetings were tension-filled competitions for Jacob’s attention. When the relationship became a source of office gossip, the management urged Danielle to find another job as soon as possible. Jacob tried to facilitate placing her with a prestigious organization, but was unsuccessful. Danielle felt increasingly uncomfortable and took a less-than-satisfactory job offer.
The romantic bubble had burst. However, they vowed to maintain the relationship. The decision to marry was with the hope that marriage would revitalize the relationship. Sex was strained, but functional. Frequency decreased to once or twice a month. Both were tentative in initiating and wished the other would take the lead,a common pattern. Marriage seldom revitalizes sexuality, nor does the honeymoon. They were sexual three times during their 2-week honeymoon, but it was not free-flowing sex. The constant comparison to their 6-month romantic, passionate sex phase depressed and devitalized them.
They could not live up to that magical comparison. Four years later, when they consulted a sex therapist, he advised them to remember those 6 months fondly as a symbol of attraction and desire, but to stop using this as a comparison and not try to replicate it. They needed to build a comfortable, intimate couple style in the present.
Danielle and Jacob were a demoralized couple in a low-sex marriage. To make matters worse, Jacob was experiencing performance anxiety and erection problems. Danielle was turned off by Jacob’s s tentativeness and apologizing,these qualities were not sexually appealing.
Danielle wanted a baby. Her hope was that their trying to get pregnant would revitalize sex. Although sex with the intention of becoming pregnant can be a positive motivator, that is not how it worked for Jacob. He worried about the pressure of intercourse on a fertility timetable. He was ambivalent about starting a second family in his late 40s, although he felt guilty about cheating Danielle of the opportunity to have a child. It was a depressing impasse. Danielle’s gynecologist was not helpful, but instead was judgmental. After 3 stressful months, Danielle’s s friend suggested they consult a sex therapist.
The therapist was respectful and empathic. Danielle and Jacob felt relieved to hear that pregnancy was not a quick fix for sexual problems. The concept of working as an intimate team was particularly attractive for Jacob, who felt overwhelmed by guilt, self-blame, performance anxiety, and ambivalence. Each spouse came for an individual sexual history session. Danielle felt bewildered, betrayed, and cheated by Jacob and the marriage.
Although she did not voice it, she was angry that her career plans had been derailed. She resented that she, rather than Jacob, had been forced to leave the organization. Danielle blamed herself for the erection problem, feeling that her attractiveness and seductiveness had failed. She feared a marriage where both sex and children were missing. Danielle felt that she had lost sexual creativity and eroticism. Jacob felt defeated by sex, marriage, and life. He was more depressed than ever. He felt shame over letting down Danielle personally maritally, sexually, in her career, and in keeping her from having a child. These emotions negated Jacob’s desire for couple sex. He masturbated one to two times a week. He was able to get an erection and ejaculate, so he knew “it still worked.” In the couple feedback session, the therapist confronted these negative emotions. He proposed a plan to revitalize intimacy and introduce nondemand pleasuring. The feedback session provided a mirror where Danielle and Jacob could identify the “poisons” of guilt, anger, shame, and withdrawal, which drained sexual desire and marital vitality. Performance orientation, inhibitions, and avoidance dominated sexuality. Depression and demoralization characterized their relationship. This feedback put the pieces of the puzzle together for Danielle and Jacob. No wonder they had a low-sex marriage. Confronting inhibitions and traps and building bridges to desire had a strong appeal.
It was not until the 10th week of therapy that they began discussing erotic scenarios. The therapy process and nondemand pleasuring exercises resulted in gradual, but sure, improvement.
There were frustrations and setbacks, but they stayed on the same team and felt that touching was back on track. Pleasuring served as a way to connect and build intimacy. Danielle’s anger was acknowledged and dealt with, which freed sexual energy.
Danielle realized that Jacob was still attracted to her. Once Jacob stopped apologizing, his attractiveness quadrupled. Danielle enjoyed pleasuring, and her arousal was arousing for Jacob.
Performance anxiety was greatly reduced when Danielle agreed to initiate sexual encounters. However, Jacob’s desire and arousal lagged behind Danielle’s, who was enthusiastic about manual and oral stimulation. Jacob’s obsession about whether intercourse would succeed or fail dampened his sexual pleasure.
The therapist suggested that Jacob take the lead in designing and playing out a nonintercourse erotic scenario. He provided Jacob with a smorgasbord of choices,discussing them in the session and referring him to the chapter on special turn-ons in the Sexual Awareness book (listed in appendix 2). Jacob was hesitant, but Danielle assured him that she was open to his erotic requests.
The following week included pleasurable experiences, but Jacob did not make an erotic initiation. He came to the session depressed and expecting to be censured. Jacob easily fell into the trap of feeling guilty and defensive, which was sexually paralyzing. This was in no one’s interest. Jacob needed encouragement and a positive impetus, not punishment. The therapist loaned them a psychoeducational erotic videotape, suggesting that they watch it and discuss scenarios and techniques they would be open to trying. Jacob found the tape freeing and a turn-on. It gave him permission to be sexually selfish. Realizing that Danielle became aroused by arousing him was a great impetus. Jacob requested that Danielle be totally passive while he teasingly turned her on.
When she was highly aroused, he requested that she orally stimulate him while he lay on his back and she knelt (which allowed him to continue stimulating her). She put him inside her from the female-on-top position and stroked her breasts as they engaged in rapid in-out thrusting. This scenario was almost as arousing for Danielle as for Jacob.
Danielle’s erotic scenario was quite different, which was fine because this was not a competition. Danielle found milieu and accouterments key for her sexual desire. She took the opportunity to experiment with creative lighting. She loved different colors and fragrances of candles,she put five in the bathroom when they took a sensual bath and five different ones in the guest bedroom for later. In her scenario, Danielle luxuriated in the bath, enjoying the smells and colors of candles reflecting off the walls.
She stood while Jacob orally stimulated her. She allowed herself to let go and have a series of orgasms. As a side effect of sex therapy, Danielle developed a multiorgasmic response pattern.
Danielle returned to the bath and had a glass of wine. Jacob told wonderful fantasy stories. It was one of her favorite things about him. They went into the guest room, and Danielle tied Jacob’s s hands over his head. This allowed him to be passive,something she liked, but Jacob found hard to do, because he was always trying to stimulate her. Danielle found it arousing to stimulate Jacob when he was passive, especially playing with his penis around her breasts. She was orgasmic rubbing against him and then had intercourse with her on top and moving her hips in a circular rhythm. Danielle designed a creative afterplay. They lay on their backs, watching the candles play off the ceiling, and talked about dream vacations. This was a symbolic affirmation of their intention to remain a vital couple.
At therapy termination, Danielle and Jacob knew that their marital bond and marital sexuality were solid. Sex was less frequent than in their first 6 months, but was based on a genuine sexual attraction and openness to each other’s needs. They trusted that desire and eroticism would remain vital. Their decision to become pregnant was a further sexual incentive.
Danielle and Jacob were committed to maintaining a vital sexual bond; they would not allow themselves to regress. They adopted three relapse-prevention strategies: (1) setting monthly intimacy dates that focused on sharing feelings and nondemand pleasuring; (2) if there were a failure experience or they had not been sexual for 2 weeks, setting a nonintercourse erotic date; and (3) introducing an erotic technique into their sexual repertoire every 6 months to keep sexuality vital.
creative sex and desire.
You look forward to going to movies; each movie is different.
Some will be Academy-Award quality, others okay, some disappointing. A few movies are so good, you rent them on video two or three times. Creative sex is like anticipating a really good movie,you hope it turns out special, but nothing is guaranteed.
Even so, the anticipation enhances desire.
The essence of creative sexuality is not technique, but awareness of sexual feelings and willingness to take a risk and play these out.
Creative sex can be planned or spontaneous. A healthy sexual relationship mixes spontaneous and intentional erotic experiences.
Creative sex can be experimental, using external turn-ons.
Creative sex also involves tuning into internal feelings and sharing them in an open, erotic manner. The most powerful aphrodisiac is not an esoteric technique; it is an involved, aroused spouse.
The most popular erotic technique is oral sex. There are a variety of positions, stimulation techniques, sequences, uses of fruit or flavored lotions, whether one-way or mutual. People differ in their preferences and turn-ons. Some prefer oral sex as a pleasuring technique, others as a means of reaching orgasm. Some prefer whole body and visual contact; others want a sole focus on receiving with eyes closed. For some, multiple stimulation is the key to arousal; for others, it is one thing at a time. Some prefer slow, tender stimulation, others fast and lustful. It is not a right-wrong question, but a matter of personal preference and sequencing. Creative sex means awareness of feelings and desires and freedom to express these in the context of an intimate, erotic marriage.
individual and couple scenarios.
Individual scenarios are easier to design and introduce,it is a matter of taking a risk and making requests. The partner is open to playing out the erotic scenario, knowing that he or she can veto or alter any element. Although people worry about being coerced into doing something they find aversive, the typical situation is that shyness or inhibition blocks the spouse from requesting erotic scenarios.
Creative couple scenarios require communication and mutuality. Instead of taking turns, allow sex play to be mutual.
When feelings, touches, and sexual expression flow, your feelings of arousal enhance each other’s. Couple scenarios are an erotic extension of the “give to get” pleasure guideline. Choose your favorite place to be sexual (the den, dining room, guest room, outside on the secluded porch). You need not plan a detailed scenario; be open to feelings and requests,let sexuality flow.
Have favorite external turn-ons readily available if you decide to introduce them,lotions, a mirror, a sexy story, beads or feathers, a vibrator, an erotic video, or scented candles. Be free and playful.
Be open to positions: standing, lying, kneeling, sitting. Have your favorite music on,dance, touch, be seductive. Do not place an artificial barrier between sex play and intercourse. Communicate what you feel and want through touch, words, and movement.
Allow touching to flow into intercourse. Experiment with positions and multiple stimulation during intercourse. Express feelings; allow sexuality to flow. Creative sexuality does not end with orgasm. Stay together and enjoy afterplay. Express affectionate, sensual, romantic, and playful feelings verbally, as well as through touch.
enhancing your erotic relationship.
If companies put as little time and energy into their business as couples put into their marriages, we would have a bankrupt country. A chief guideline in maintaining an erotic relationship is to place a priority on couple time. Valuing your intimate relationship is the foundation for eroticism.
You can spot people who are having an affair. They are attentive, aware of each other, playful, and seductive. When people think of eroticism, they think of youthful couples, extramarital affairs, or the jet set, not of themselves. Can married couples fan the flames of eroticism?
An important sexual enhancer is a couple weekend without the kids. This gives you the time and freedom to be an expressive couple and do things you enjoy,hiking, antiquing, shopping, sleeping late, or biking. Enjoy a bed and breakfast, luxury resort, rustic inn, or camping,choose what fits you. Sexuality becomes an integral part of the weekend, instead of sex being the last thing at night when you are both exhausted. You can be sexual when you awake; take a shower and come back to bed; have sex after a walk; indulge in a nooner; or have sex before or after lunch, after a golf game or hike, before or after a nap, before dinner, as dessert, or during an early evening sex date, then sit on the porch and have a drink as afterplay.
Another way to enhance your erotic relationship is by sharing fantasies. Sexual fantasies are the most common form of multiple stimulation. People associate fantasies with masturbation, but 75 percent of married men and 50 percent of married women utilize fantasies during partner sex. It is a natural, healthy bridge to desire and arousal. What makes sharing difficult is that fantasies are the most private and idiosyncratic sexual behavior. Sharing a fantasy reveals a very private part of yourself, increasing your personal vulnerability. Most sexual fantasies are about unusual or unacceptable people, behaviors, or situations, and many are bizarre. Common fantasy themes include sex with an unattainable or inappropriate partner, forced sex, group sex, watching people being sexual, gay sex, and illicit sexual activities. What gives fantasies their erotic charge is that they are different from who you really are.
It is hard enough to accept your fantasies, much less share them with the spouse. Although many sex books advise acting out fantasies, we believe that it is unwise to act out fantasies unless both partners are genuinely comfortable with this. Fantasy and behavior are separate realms. What is exciting and erotic as a fantasy can become destructive and self-defeating when acted out.
Being turned on by a fantasy is not the same thing as desiring to experience it. Most fantasies are best kept as fantasies. For most couples, verbally sharing a fantasy is better than acting it out.
If you decide to play out fantasies, we suggest these guidelines:
Only involve the two of you, do not be physically or psychologically coercive, and do not humiliate or intimidate the spouse. Either person can call a time-out or veto a technique.
Remember, there is no place for intimate coercion in your marriage.
closing thoughts.
Breaking the pattern of a low-sex or no-sex marriage requires communication, effort, and courage. Erotic scenarios elicit and maintain sexual desire and vitality. Creative scenarios enliven your relationship and prevent relapse. Erotic scenarios and techniques enhance intimate sexuality.
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