Can married sex be erotic? We hope we successfully answered that question in chapter 10, “Making It Special: Creating Erotic Scenarios.” Can marriage remain erotic? Not only can it, but it is in your best interest to maintain an erotic marriage. Much of this book has focused on intimacy, nondemand pleasuring, and bridges to sexual desire. Intimacy, anticipation, touch, and pleasure are the bedrock for maintaining gains. However, they are not enough for arousal and orgasm. Eroticism is integral to sexual satisfaction and relapse prevention.
People associate “hot” or “passionate” sex with a new, intense, illicit relationship,a premarital or extramarital affair. These are powerful, but unstable and transitory, sexual experiences. “Hot” sex connotes the “fun but dirty” approach of X-rated movies, sex shops, and non-socially desirable exploits. Eroticism is associated with premarital sex, extra-marital sex, and kinky sex. Is it naive to believe that married sex can remain erotic? We are convinced, theoretically, empirically, and in our lives,that sex in an intimate marriage can be creative, erotic, exciting, and satisfying. Keeping marital sex erotic is a powerful strategy for preventing relapse.
Ideally, the basis is an emotionally intimate, secure marital bond with a solid foundation in nondemand pleasuring. Erotic scenarios and techniques are the crucial ingredients that promote desire, arousal, and orgasm.
It is not technique alone,or even primarily,that eroticizes sexuality. Eroticism is enhanced by spontaneity, playfulness, experimentation, but, above all, awareness of feelings and openness to creative expression.
An erotic marriage is based on three sources: awareness of feelings, thoughts, and fantasies; a dynamic process between you and your spouse that includes touching, teasing, and seductiveness; and openness to experimenting with erotic scenarios and techniques. Be aware of sexual feelings and desires and take the risk to play them out. Do not worry about performing to the standard of a Hollywood movie. Share and enjoy the pleasures of eroticism.
For marital sex to remain vital, you need to challenge routine, mechanical sex, which is the death knell of desire. Eroticism calls for creativity, energy, and expression. Eroticism cannot be taken for granted, nor can it rest on its laurels. Be aware of and communicate erotic feelings, thoughts, and fantasies. Eroticism elicits sexual desire and builds anticipation. Touching, teasing, and seductiveness are enticing, adding spice and adventure to marital sexuality. Romantic, seductive, or playful touch is not reserved for premarital or extramarital affairs, it is an integral component of marital sex. The core of erotic marriage is openness to a variety of sexual scenarios and techniques, which builds anticipation. Whether this occurs once a month or seven times a year, sharing creative, erotic scenarios allows you to feel like a vital sexual couple. This is a powerful antidote against regressing to a no-sex or low-sex marriage.
the myth behind extramarital affairs.
Cultural attitudes toward extramarital affairs are schizophrenic, on one hand, affairs are viewed as immoral and a reason to terminate the marriage and, on the other hand, as seductive, erotic, and a way to break out of the doldrums of marriage. On daytime soap operas, marriage is the kiss of death, The couple is either written off the show or have an affair to generate excitement and drama. Affairs offer tension, conflict, and suspense to novels and movies. Without the torment of affairs, country music would lose its best-selling theme.
Often the crisis leading to a no-sex marriage is the discovery of an extramarital affair. The most common therapeutic strategy is to deal with the meaning of the affair and rebuild the trust bond.
Couples make a firm commitment to not have another affair. If a potential high-risk situation arises, the partner agrees to discuss it beforehand with the spouse. This is a powerful technique for confronting a potential affair. People talk about a high-opportunity affair as being “swept away” by romantic or lustful feelings. With this technique, you make a planned decision in choosing to have or not have an affair. This means assuming responsibility for your sexual behavior. Discussing the meaning of an affair with the spouse raises consequences for you and the marriage. You do not just fall into a secretive affair.
Couples who value intimacy and sexual desire are strongly advised against extramarital affairs. Affairs have a high potential to subvert your marital bond.
Why are affairs erotic? Can you expect the same type of eroticism from the marriage? Extramarital affairs are erotic in the same way that premarital affairs are. Newness, illicitness, adventure, quest for acceptance, and excitement of the unknown drive an affair. By their nature, affairs are sexually fragile. When the partners move in together or marry, the sexual charge dissipates. Stability and security disrupt the eroticism. Erotic affairs have a high risk of turning into a no-sex or lowsex marriage.
Affairs and marriage are different experiences. There are three erotic strategies that married couples can learn from affairs (you do not have to have an affair to gain these insights): (1) the value of anticipation; (2) how to fantasize and plan a sexual encounter; and (3) that playfulness, creativity, and abandon enhance eroticism. A favorite example concerns people who meet at a hotel for an afternoon sexual tryst. Both partners have to set aside the time, have someone cover for them at work or for child emergencies, be assertive enough to ask for the day rate, and fantasize and anticipate the sexual encounter. This is not the “natural, spontaneous sex” of movies and soap operas. Yet it is very erotic. Why should this be the domain of nonmarried people?
You do not have to pay for a hotel room,you could meet for an afternoon delight at home. On the other hand, why not meet the spouse at a hotel? A new setting can be erotic. Married couples can go to rustic inns, bed and breakfasts, or X-rated motels. One reason that sex is better on vacations or weekends away is that this allows you to be sexual in a new environment. Anticipating this getaway builds sexual desire. Some people (Barry is a good example) very much enjoy fantasizing and looking forward to intimate weekends. The setting and milieu facilitate special, erotic feelings. You feel playful and creative, free to let go. Creative, erotic sex can be maintained in a marriage,you do not need an affair.
Exercise,maintaining an erotic marriage.
The best way to revitalize eroticism in marriage is to review the exercise from chapter 10, “Creating Erotic Scenarios.” What did each spouse identify as special turn-ons? What were favorite erotic scenarios and techniques? Do these continue to elicit anticipation and desire? Be specific with your spouse about how to integrate eroticism into love-making so that it remains special. Are there erotic scenarios and techniques that previously elicited sexual desire, but no longer do? Do not be embarrassed; this is normal.
Sexual techniques that felt erotic 5 years ago may now feel “worn out,” even boring or mechanical. Not only can you drop these scenarios, we urge you to. Boring, routine, minimally involved sex subverts and destroys desire. Even if the sex is functional, it does not enhance desire or eroticism.
To maintain a creative, erotic marriage, put time and energy into sexuality. Each spouse suggests at least one and preferably three special turn-ons to experiment with during the next 6 months. Be clear and specific (writing it first makes it easier to discuss). Do not just say, “I want to try oral sex in the morning”; say, “I want us to shower the night before; wake me up by orally stimulating me.” Do not say, “Be passive”; say, “Let me control this sexual scenario,put your hands behind your head or I can tie your hands with a silk scarf.” Do not say, “Be natural”; say, “I want to try a sexual experience where we don’t talk. Let’s s share erotic feelings through eye contact, movement, and touch.” Each spouse initiates at least one and up to three erotic scenarios. This could include a major external stimulus like planning a couple weekend, buying VCR for the bedroom so that you can watch erotic videos, getting a hot tub, going on a camping trip and being sexual under the stars. More commonly, it is a nitty-gritty addition such as having a pillow with a message of “tonight” on one side and “sorry” on the other; a special light or scented candle in the bedroom; being sexual in the shower or bathtub; or using a vibrator, beads, or feathers for erotic stimulation.
The most common form of creative sexuality is a monthly sexual date, with freedom to play sensually and erotically, but with a prohibition on intercourse. Many couples find that this is their most fun time, sexually. You can experiment with alternative pleasuring positions, a new lotion, music, a different time of day, varying amounts of light, different types of clothing, one giving or mutual pleasuring to orgasm, or being turned on but not going to orgasm.
Sexual dates (whether planned or spontaneous) allow you to experiment with personal and external turn-ons to facilitate eroticism.
maintaining creative sexuality.
The essence of creative sexuality is sharing yourself emotionally and sexually,sometimes warm, sometimes erotic, sometimes fun, sometimes lustful, a special intimacy. Sexuality is more than genitals, intercourse, and orgasm. Creative sexuality is usually mutual, with each partner contributing to the erotic scenario.
Mutuality requires both verbal and nonverbal communication.
When thoughts, feelings, and sexual expression flow, each spouses arousal enhances the other’s. This is an extension of the “give to get” pleasuring guideline,giving and sharing eroticism.
Couples have a favorite room (or rooms) for creative sexuality.
For some, it is the bedroom; for others, it is the den, the living room, in front of the fireplace, or the guest room. Unlike with other exercises, we advise against a detailed scenario. Be open to your creative feelings. Let the sexual scenario be as free and playful as possible. Experiment with a multitude of positions,standing, lying, kneeling, and sitting. In creative sexuality, there are no artificial barriers between sex play and intercourse. Allow creative eroticism to flow into creative intercourse. Experiment with positions, multiple stimulation during intercourse, expressing feelings, and making requests. Intermix intercourse and nonintercourse sexuality. Creative sexuality does not end with orgasm. Enjoy afterplay. You can express affectionate, sensual, romantic, and playful feelings verbally and nonverbally.
John and jenny.
The fact that John and Jenny were married with a 2-year-old daughter and Jenny 5 months pregnant was a tribute to their love, commitment, and persistence. They met 15 years ago as sophomores at a state university, a typical romantic college couple. There was plenty of playfulness and romanticism. The quality of sex might not have been great, but it was frequent and exciting.
In the 5 years after college, John and Jenny were an on-again, off-again couple. The emotional turmoil of breaking up and getting back together provided drama and intrigue that allowed them to ignore intimacy issues. Jealousy and comparisons inherent in dating others provided an emotional and sexual charge. At 27 they began living together and, 3 years later, married. This dating and relationship pattern was common for their peer group. Another unfortunate commonality was that the best sex was while dating. Living together did not improve sexuality.
They married in spite of a poor sexual relationship. In the first 4 years of marriage, they had intercourse less than 25 times.
Throughout living together and being married, they had been a no-sex couple. Jenny had an affair in the second year of the marriage (contrary to popular mythology, affairs are most likely to occur early, not late, in marriage). It was a brief affair with a married man from work. When John heard rumors of the affair, he was agitated, but not surprised. There was anger, but more angst with feelings of guilt and blaming. A side effect of the affair was to totally stop marital sex, which had been marginal anyway.
For some couples, an affair is a wake-up call, an opportunity to revitalize intimacy and sexuality. For John and Jenny, it added to marital alienation and devitalization, serving as another reason to avoid sex.
They had tried individual, marital, and couples’ group therapy before sex therapy. Individual therapy had been particularly valuable to John in challenging his depressive view of life and encouraging him to take career risks and switch to an organization that rewarded his innovative ideas. Marriage therapy and couples’ group therapy served to normalize their struggles and reinforce that they were a viable couple. Unfortunately, it reinforced the mistaken view that sex would improve only when all the other emotional and marital issues had been dealt with. For the majority of couples, addressing sexual issues concurrently with emotional issues is the optimal strategy.
It is easier to conduct sex therapy with a committed couple than with a tenuous couple. John and Jenny entered sex therapy with a great deal of marital commitment, but with self-defeating sexual attitudes, feelings, and experiences. They were an affectionate couple, but not an erotic couple.
The structure of pleasuring exercises, followed by erotic exercises, was of great value. Jenny was responsive to the permission-giving aspects of sex therapy, especially to experimenting with erotic scenarios and techniques. She was turned on by playing out scenarios where she was the dominant partner. John was responsive and aroused by Jenny’s s arousal; her sexuality was an aphrodisiac for him. Jenny was afraid that to maintain erotic feelings, she would have to exaggerate the dominance scenarios, something she was not interested in. The therapist suggested that they continue to use erotic scenarios with a dominance theme, but to broaden them, not deepen them or make them extreme. Either spouse had a right to veto anything that was psychologically or sexually uncomfortable.
For John, the best way to maintain marital eroticism was by setting aside time for sexual dates. John enjoyed varied sexual experiences: sex in a hotel, sex at the in-laws’ house (especially in the living room during the middle of the night), sex under the stars on a camping trip, sex in the middle of the day. Jenny could appreciate this, but for her eroticism was closer to home. Jenny felt that for sex to be an integral, vital part of the marriage, they had to be erotic at home with the reality of her pregnancy. Jenny would awaken early because of pressure on her bladder. If she could not go back to sleep, she would awaken John by sucking on his penis,she enjoyed seeing him in the combination of arousal and drowsiness. She liked the quickie intercourse of woman on top, where she did the thrusting. John was orgasmic and went back to sleep. Jenny cuddled against him, which allowed her to fall asleep.
People do not think of pregnancy as erotic, but maintaining emotional, affectionate, and sexual contact during pregnancy is important. The birth of a second child is a major transition for the marriage and family Maintaining sexual vitality was a priority for Jenny and John. Jenny found the sitting-kneeling intercourse position particularly erotic and fulfilling. She looked forward to the third trimester to use this again. Jenny sits on a low slung chair with a pillow for back support and scoots to the end. There is no pressure on her stomach or on the fetus. John kneels in front of her with pillows under his knees for support; his penis is at the same height as her vulva. This position allows eye contact, both hands free for touching, and being able to kiss and caress and engage in genital stimulation. Jenny guides intromission. They enjoy additional erotic stimulation,John gives clitoral or breast stimulation, Jenny does testicle or buttock stimulation. They plan to continue using this position after the baby is born.
If Jenny does not feel like being sexual herself, she stimulates John to orgasm. Jenny enjoys one-way sex,feeling so much control over John’s arousal and watching him just before orgasm is gratifying. John prefers mutual sex, but finds one-way sex erotic.
John and Jenny feel more intimately connected than during the first pregnancy.
With two young children and two careers, they realize it will be a challenge to maintain a quality sexual relationship, but a challenge they are prepared to meet. Erotic scenarios and techniques are not the core of their intimate relationship, but an important component in keeping sexual desire vibrant. John and Jenny value intimacy, nondemand pleasuring, and eroticism.
special sexual experiences.
Should every sexual experience be special? That is a self-defeating expectation. In truth, even for well-functioning couples, less than half of the time is there equal desire, arousal, and orgasm. Positive, realistic expectations promote sexual satisfaction. Forty to 50 percent of sexual experiences are very good for both spouses; of these, 5 to 10 percent are special. If you have one or two special sexual experiences a month, you can count yourselves lucky.
Quite a different way of thinking from the way sex is portrayed in movies or soap operas, where it is always perfect and special.
Our concepts will not sell songs or movies, but they fit the reality for married couples and enhance martial satisfaction.
What makes a sexual experience special? It is the feelings, not the technique or the orgasm. Sometimes feelings are intensely sexual,high arousal, letting go, experiencing sexual abandon, feeling free. Sometimes feelings are intensely intimate,loving, feeling desire, closeness, pride in overcoming inhibitions, self-validation, satisfaction with the spouse and marriage. Special sexual experiences energize your intimate bond,like a shot of adrenaline. If each encounter was highly erotic, it would feel less special.
Creative sexuality is sometimes a special experience, sometimes very good, sometimes satisfactory, and sometimes a bust. We encourage couples to take sexual risks, but there are no guarantees the risk will result in a special erotic experience or even a successful one. This is not to discourage sexual risks or creative sexuality. You will not have special erotic experiences unless you are willing to take risks and play sexually An advantage of intimate marriage is that you can risk failure without being embarrassed or frightened of the spouse’s s reaction. Trust in the spouse allows you to share feelings, your body, and eroticism. This results in intense feelings, creative experiences, and special sexual encounters. Other times it results in failure, we hope with the ability to laugh or shrug off stupid or silly experiences.
Intimacy and special feelings are more important than the sex itself. Couples feel closer and more open during pleasuring and afterplay than during intercourse. An insight from one of Barry’s clients was, “Intercourse and orgasm are great, but they’re only a small part of making love.” For us, a special part of a sexual experience is taking a walk and talking afterward. Afterplay is a positive, integral component of lovemaking. Integration of erotic and intimate feelings facilitates special experiences that you remember for months and even years.
making requests for special turn-ons.
How can you make clear, erotic requests without these becoming self-conscious demands? One technique is to separate verbal requests from the sexual interaction. One of the worst times to talk sex is in bed right after a sexual experience. You do not need an instant replay with a detailed critique. Some of the best places to talk sex are on walks, in the car during a long drive, sitting on the porch, and over the kitchen table. Some of the best times are the day before a sexual experience, an hour before a sexual date, the next morning, and on Thursday before going away for a couple weekend. Make requests for special turn-ons in a comfortable, anticipatory manner that invites your spouse to be open, experimental and playful.
The main miscommunication regarding sexual turn-ons is that the spouse feels pressure to perform and give you exactly what you want. Rather than being a sexual sharing, it feels like a coerced performance. To stay away from that trap, be clear that your request is to engage with your spouse so that pleasure and eroticism are enhanced. Experience this together,be open to your spouse’s feelings and desires. Direct or indirect coercion has no place in marital sexuality.
Special turn-ons keep your sexual relationship vital and exciting. Marital sexuality is different from premarital sex or extramarital affairs. Special turn-ons promote integration of intimacy with eroticism. Some turn-ons remain vital for 20 years or longer. More commonly, the couple adds or revises sexual scenarios and turn-ons so that these retain their erotic capacity. It is like cooking a special meal; over time you like to spice up the ingredients. Special turn-ons involve experimentation and playfulness; they cannot stand on past laurels.
Creative sexuality and special turn-ons are not the same, but are related. Both require openness to your own and your spouse’s s feelings. Both require taking risks and making requests. Because special turnons are specific and planned, there is potential for awkwardness, selfconsciousness, and performance pressure. If you value an erotic marriage, experimenting with special turn-ons and encouraging the spouse to be an involved sexual friend are crucial. This is the best way to combat self-consciousness.
Creative sexuality is a team effort. It is normal for some experiences to be more erotic for one spouse than for the other.
The main aphrodisiac is an aroused partner; your arousal is arousing for your spouse. This is another example of the “give to get” pleasuring guideline. Her arousal will increase his arousal.
When he was 20, the man’s arousal was autonomous, needing nothing from the woman. Beginning in the mid-30s and increasing with age, male arousal is enhanced by the woman’s arousal. By the 50s, female arousal is easier and more predictable than male arousal. The wife’s special turn-ons are good not only for her, but for the man and their marriage.
The prescription for healthy sexuality,integrating intimacy, non-demand pleasuring, and erotic scenarios and techniques, reaches fruition as the couple ages. The importance of creative sexuality and special turn-ons increases with both the age of the couple and the age of the marriage.
closing thoughts.
Bridges to sexual desire, intimacy dates, and nondemand pleasuring are major strategies to maintain marital sexuality. Yet the importance of erotic scenarios and techniques cannot be underestimated. Seeing yourselves as an erotic couple and enjoying arousal and orgasm play integral roles in maintaining a sexually vital marriage. Erotic dates keep sex special and energize your intimate bond. Creative sexuality and special turn-ons ignite marital sex. Eroticism is not the core of sexual desire, but is an integral component. You owe it to yourself and your spouse to maintain an erotic marriage.
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