Rekindling Desire. Chapter 12. The eighth step: enhancing the bond ,intimacy dates.

Intimacy dates are the single most important technique in maintaining a vital sexual bond. We have emphasized the importance of intimacy in overcoming sexual avoidance and the no-sex or low-sex marriage. Intimacy dates are a powerful resource in preventing relapse and reinforcing marital satisfaction.

Both planned and spontaneous experiences are valuable. Most intimacy dates are planned and anticipated. Couples with children and jobs find that if they do not set aside couple time, it does not happen. Enjoy spontaneous intimacy dates,they are special. However, do not put your marriage in jeopardy by being the romantic who devalues planned dates because you idealize spontaneity and natural feelings.

Emotional and sexual intimacy is like a garden,it requires consistent attention, planning, and tending. Gardens also require pulling weeds; likewise, intimacy requires the couple to deal with negative emotions and difficult issues. Intimacy is so much more than a “feel good” concept. Intimate couples share hurt and angry feelings, as well as close and loving feelings. They deal with disappointments and problems, as well as hopes and successes.

Intimacy involves sharing a range of feelings and experiences, sexual and nonsexual. If sexual intimacy were dependent on each person always feeling positive, most couples would have a no-sex marriage. Emotional and sexual intimacy is anchored in knowing and accepting the spouse, with that person’s strengths and weaknesses, loving and disappointing characteristics. A great advantage of an intimate marriage is that you feel loved and accepted for who you really are, with strengths and vulnerabilities.

Intimacy dates range from a half hour talk on the porch over a beer, to a night out dancing or to a movie, a weekend at home without the children, or a couple trip to a resort for a week. Each couple has preferences for types of activities and places to stay.

The core of intimate time is feeling close and involved, not the activities or places.

What is the relationship between intimacy dates and sexual dates? Intimacy dates can lead to intercourse, but is not their chief reason. Intimate dates always involve emotional connection, usually involve affection, might involve sensual activity, might involve erotic feelings, and might involve intercourse and orgasm.

Intimacy dates must not fall into a predictable, mechanical routine that always leads to sex.

Intimacy dates are inviting and facilitate anticipation as long as there is a range of ways to express feelings and a variety of potential outcomes. Closeness builds desire as long as there is not a spoken or unspoken expectation that it must lead to sex.

Traditionally, this is a request of women, but, increasingly, men (especially over 40) appreciate the benefits of a nondemand approach to touching. It is possible (and desirable) to share intimacy without sexual intercourse. It is also possible (and sometimes particularly exciting) to share sexuality without feeling emotionally intimate. Passionate, lustful sex adds spice to the marriage.

Couples prefer an intimate basis for marital sex. The prescription for maintaining sexual desire is integrating emotional intimacy, nondemand pleasuring, and erotic stimulation. Marital sex works best when each spouse values both intimacy and eroticism.

We encourage weekly intimacy dates. If a couple go more than 2 weeks without an intimate experience, that is a cue to reconnect.

The risk of self-consciousness and avoidance grows and leads to inhibited sexual desire. You cannot make up for lack of intimacy by having an intimate weekend every 3 months, any more than you can make up for not regularly watering the garden by soaking it on occasion. Maintaining a regular rhythm of connection, emotionally and physically, promotes sexual desire.

valuing marital intimacy Traditionally, very different gender learnings and values were placed on intimacy. In the 1990s, pop psychology books and talk shows focused on differences between women and men, treating them as if they were totally different species. Scientific studies found just the opposite; there are many more similarities than differences between women and men, including desire for intimacy and sexual satisfaction.

What distinguishes women and men is not their needs, but their fears. Women and men have a need for both intimacy and sexuality. Men fear intimacy for two reasons. One is having to sacrifice autonomy, especially in regard to time and career. Second is fear that intimacy is a ruse to criticize the man and coerce him to change. The fear women have about intimacy is giving up their sense of self to serve and protect the man. Too much of female self-esteem is tied to the nurturer role. You are a healthier person and a better nurturer if you balance personal needs with the needs of others. Intimacy does not mean giving up yourself. Autonomy facilitates genuine intimacy.

Intimacy involves openness in sharing positives and negatives, not a hidden agenda to manipulate the spouse. Genuine intimacy allows both the man and the woman to value individuality and maintain self-esteem. Change is based on a positive influence model, not on coercion or threats of abandonment.

Intimacy is key in maintaining emotional connection; this serves as a bridge for sexual desire. Partners who care about each other will not allow sexuality to fade. Caring and trust set the stage for sexual risks,whether this is initiating sex in a new way, trying a different pleasuring scenario, experimenting with an intercourse variation, or integrating fantasies into an erotic scenario. Intimacy facilitates desire and satisfaction, which are more important than arousal or orgasm in maintaining a vital sexual bond.

intimacy dates at home When couples think of dates, they think of going to dinner, a sporting event, a concert, or a weekend jaunt. These are fine, but the core of intimacy is expressing emotion and sexuality in everyday life where you live,at home. It costs less money, but does not require less time, thought, or planning. It means having privacy,children are asleep or at someone’s house, the answering machine is on or the phone is off the hook, and you agree to not answer the door. A crucial variable is being aware and alert. Too often, couples relegate intimacy to bedtime, when they are tired and emotionally drained. Minimal contact cannot pass for quality couple time. Because you sleep with the spouse seven nights a week does not mean that you share intimacy.

Minimal contact deadens sexual desire. You are only half there.

Boredom and routine subvert intimacy and anticipation, decreasing desire.

Intimacy dates can occur in the morning, afternoon, or early evening. They might involve a walk, sitting on the porch, having a drink and an appetizer, luxuriating in a sensuous bath surrounded by candles, sitting at the kitchen table planning a couple or family vacation, or putting on your favorite music and dancing in the living room (with or without clothes). The date might focus on plans and hopes, sharing feelings, a sensual massage with a new lotion, disclosing a sensitive topic from the past, discussing an important issue, problem-solving a financial difficulty that is interfering with intimate feelings, or having fun playing a board or card game. It might be a time to be emotionally and physically close, or a playful scenario you hope will evolve into a sexual encounter. Intimacy dates are different from the nitty-gritty interactions about kids, chores, money, house, and work. This is a special time for emotional and physical connection.

intimacy dates outside the home Emily is the one who enjoys being at home. Barry loves to go for day trips, to a play and dinner, and especially on a couple weekend. Intimacy dates outside the house are worthwhile to plan and anticipate. Emily’s joke is that half the fun of a weekend trip for Barry is anticipating, which be begins a month before.

Although it is important to have activities with children, other couples, and families, intimacy dates are a one-on-one activity.

Intimacy dates can be elaborate, like a week couple vacation, but more commonly they entail an evening date or a half-day outing. Although spontaneous dates are a special treat, most intimacy dates outside the house are planned. The key is not to fall into a predictable routine of doing the same thing, going to the same place, or talking about the same stuff. We both love movies, but if every date involved a movie, it would become stale. What about bowling or exploring a small town? Eating at an ethnic restaurant or attending a community theater? Trying canoeing or horseback riding? Taking a hike in the mountains or a picnic along the river? Sharing a story from childhood you have never told the spouse? Rereading love letters you have not looked at in 10 years?

If you usually stay at hotels, what about going to a rustic inn or a romantic bed and breakfast? What about the children staying overnight with friends, while you go dancing and then come home for a sexual evening in the living room (a combination of an inside and outside date)?

One factor that makes an intimate marriage special is that you trust that your spouse will not make fun of you when you take a risk that does not work. We urge you to take psychological risks and try new things,a new restaurant, a new activity, disclosing a hope or dream, a new sexual scenario. If the food is a disaster, the activity is boring, the new idea terrible, the sexual scenario a dud, accept this. Your spouse will not blame or make fun of you.

Intimacy is not just sharing close and good feelings, it is sharing disappointing and frustrating experiences.

Rita and tony.

Sex was a problem throughout Rita and Tony’s relationship. The best sex had been in the 8 months prior to marriage, even though premarital sex had never been more frequent than twice a week and always at Tony’s initiation. Rita had low desire and was minimally involved, only occasionally aroused, and nonorgasmic.

Tony was angry and punishing when Rita said no to sexual overtures. The cycle of his anger and her avoidance was strongly ingrained. The only time they had frequent sex was when trying to get pregnant.

Rita and Tony were professionally and financially successful and enjoyed their two children. Nine years into the marriage, sexual frequency was four to six times per year. Sex was functional for Tony and not unpleasant for Rita. Tony’s s anger over lack of sexual frequency was a source of great marital stress. Rita’s resentment of Tony’s blaming escalated, as did her emotional alienation.

Couple sex therapy was not an easy process, but was successful.

Talking about the problem as a couple issue was critical. Tony’s s backing off from sexual demands and anger allowed them the space to develop a comfortable couple sexual style. Tony established himself as Rita’s intimate friend, not her punishing critic. Rita developed an arousalorgasm pattern that was different from those described in female sexuality books. Her response to sexual stimulation was rapid; slow pleasuring was counterproductive. Rita used a vibrator to enhance arousal, which quickly resulted in orgasm. Tony was supportive, rather than feeling threatened or judgmental.

A major breakthrough for Rita was making initiations and sharing her emotional and sexual conditions for a satisfying experience. Rita enjoyed being orgasmic, but orgasm was not her top factor for a fulfilling sexual life. What mattered was emotional dimensions,she needed to feel close to and open with Tony, without the hovering demand that touching culminate in intercourse. Rita needed to feel turned on before stimulating Tony.

She preferred to be orgasmic with Tony’s manual stimulation or vibrator stimulation before beginning intercourse. Tony enjoyed afterplay (most males tune out sexually after reaching orgasm).

Although Rita appreciated this, afterplay with a focus on orgasm did not fit her sexual style. For Rita, afterplay was for closeness, not orgasm. They developed afterplay scenarios that were playful and intimate, a crucial element in Rita’s sense of sexual satisfaction.

Rita and Tony had established a vital, satisfying sexual bond and were committed to maintaining it. They had come too far and wanted to ensure there would not be a relapse. A prime component of their relapse-prevention program was intimacy dates. The agreement was that one week Tony would initiate, the next week Rita would. This pingpong system of initiation worked well.

Interestingly, Rita and Tony initiated very different intimacy dates. Almost all of Rita’s initiations involved dates at home. Rita did not value pleasuring, but did value emotional and affectionate connection. Rita loved sitting on the screened-in porch with a glass of wine while Tony gave her a foot massage. She shared feelings about their lives and relationship with an understanding that they would not talk about children or finances during an intimacy date.

Rita could spend up to 2 hours on the porch. She cared as much about listening to Tony’s feelings and perceptions as about sharing her own. She enjoyed affectionate contact while talking, which facilitated closeness and connection. Usually, the intimacy date would end with a kiss and getting on with their tasks. Often, Rita would suggest they go upstairs and make love. Tony was intrigued by how quickly Rita would get aroused, a very different pattern than before sex therapy Talking and affection on the porch were Rita’s foreplay. Once Rita was aroused she enjoyed stimulating Tony.

Tony’s initiations were more varied. Most of his intimacy dates occurred out of the house. Tony loves going to clubs to listen to jazz. Other romantic activities included going canoeing and having a champagne picnic on the banks of the river or hiking up a hill and watching the sunset. Tony prefers a different style of touching. He is big on holding hands, playful touching, and kisses on the neck and ears. Tony loves to tell stories and construct fantasies (both about the ideal life and erotic fantasies). Rita finds this entertaining and will weave her fantasies with his. Tony likes to play sexually in the car, which Rita finds a turn-on as long as he remains attentive to driving. Tony will initiate sex 75 to 80 percent of the time, and usually, Rita is open to it. If she is not, Tony accepts this and does not pout or punish, a dramatic improvement over the prior pattern.

Tony and Rita place high value on spontaneous intimacy dates.

Between two careers and two children, the opportunity is seldom there, but when possible it is special. The last spontaneous date was 5 weeks ago. Tony came home early from work to take care of their ill son. An hour after he was home and the child was sleeping, Rita called, saying that her meeting was canceled. Tony suggested that she come home, he would fix a salad, and they could have a glass of wine. It is fun playing hooky from work and responsibility. It was a relaxed, engaging hour,talking, being silly, and having sex before the child awoke. The boy enjoyed seeing his parents together in the middle of the afternoon.

Rita emphasized the importance of intimacy for her sexual desire. Tony accepted that emotional intimacy was valuable for him and the marriage. Closeness was key for Rita; playful touching was key for Tony. For some couples, intimate time is a good opportunity to discuss tough issues and sad situations and to resolve conflicts. This was not how Rita and Tony used intimacy dates. They focused on positive feelings, touching, and feeling connected. Difficult issues and conflict resolution were dealt with in a different milieu, outside of the bedroom.

Tony did not need intimacy for sexual desire, but accepted this need in Rita. An important component of a viable marriage is awareness of individual preferences for intimacy, touching, and eroticism. Accept this, rather than engaging in a “right-wrong” power struggle. Accepting and appreciating differences reinforces couple intimacy. Conflicts over differences no longer interfered with their sexual intimacy. Trust that Tony was her intimate spouse was a powerful underpinning for Rita’s sexual desire.

blocks to intimacy Factors blocking intimate communication are based in gender socialization and misunderstanding. A major male fear is that the wife will use intimacy as a cover to criticize and coerce him to change. A major female fear is that the man will withhold intimacy as a way to punish her for sexual difficulties or for saying no to sex. This reflects the traditional gender socialization that males value sex and devalue feelings, and women value feelings and devalue sex. This simplistic dichotomy is reinforced by the media, pop psychology books, and friends. Gender wars interfere with all kinds of male,female relationships, especially marriage. The closer the relationship, the more destructive the rigid stereotypes.

Be aware of differences and vulnerabilities, but do not turn these into stereotypes and prejudices. Respect the spouses individuality. How can you work as an intimate team to confront and reduce blocks, inhibitions, and anxieties?

“Pop psychology” books advocate greater intimacy, the more the better. This is a new psychological myth. Empirical research has identified four viable couple styles:

1. Best friend style,this is the most intimate; 2. Emotionally expressive style; 3. Complementary couple style; and 4. Conflict-minimizing style,the least intimate.

Which do you think is the most common couple style? It is the complementary couple that balances individual autonomy with moderate amounts of intimacy. Who are the most stable (least likely to divorce)? Conflict-minimizing couples. Our marriage is based on the best friend couple style. However, this is not the right fit for the majority of couples. The key for a satisfying, secure marriage is to establish a level of intimacy that is comfortable and functional for both individuals. Intimacy problems include extremes of too much intimacy (stifling individuality and causing enmeshment) or too little intimacy (causing a lack of connection and resulting in alienation). Find a level of intimacy that promotes sexual desire.

As intimacy increases, so does vulnerability. How vulnerable is each spouse comfortable being? For some people, intimacy means giving up emotional control. How does each person feel about control? Can you share control with the spouse? What level of intimacy fits best for you? How can intimacy facilitate sexual desire? Some couples feel so emotionally close, they lose erotic feelings. Too much intimacy can smother desire. One of the most important balances in marriage is maintaining individual autonomy while sharing couple intimacy. Eroticism and intimacy are not only compatible, but complementary.

Intimacy is only one bridge to desire. Playfulness, fantasy, erotic movies, tension release, teasing touching, and lust are other bridges. Most (not all) couples find that intimacy dates are a vital link in sexual desire.

Exercise,intimacy dates.

Theory is one thing, implementation and practice another. In this exercise, use the ping-pong system of initiation to establish a pattern of intimacy dates that facilitates sexual desire.

For a 2-month period (enough to experiment and form an intimate pattern), the husband initiates an intimacy date during his week and the wife initiates one during her week. Each person explores his or her preferred style of expressing intimacy.

Experiment with in-house or goingout dates; formal, well-planned dates or informal, spontaneous dates; dates that involve sexuality or dates that focus on feelings and affection; half hour dates or a day date; activity dates or talking dates. Develop a comfortable, inviting pattern. Be aware that there is a his, her, and our style. It is unusual for both people to have the exact same intimacy preferences. Yet, by definition, intimacy is a shared experience. Intimate couples accept and enjoy differences in styles and preferences. They do not insist that their style is superior.

After 2 months, share with your spouse aspects of intimacy dates that you appreciate and want to continue. If there is something about intimacy dates you find off-putting or counterproductive, disclose that along with a specific suggestion of how to make the date comfortable and inviting. How do you integrate ihtimacy so that sexual desire is enhanced? Being an intimate couple promotes desire, sexual satisfaction, and marital happiness.

for better or worse The United States has the highest divorce rate among developed countries. Traditionally stability was taken for granted, no matter what the quality of the marriage. People tolerated physically abusive, alcoholic, incestuous, emotionally alienated, and dysfunctional marriages because of family, cultural, economic, and religious pressures to stay together. Destructive marriages continued “for the sake of the children” or the vow “for better or worse.” No-sex marriages, low-sex marriages, sexually dysfunctional marriages, or marriages where intimacy needs were negated were tolerated. We are in favor of revitalizing marriages and reducing the divorce rate, but the pendulum should not swing back to the self-defeating ideology of staying in a destructive or fatally flawed marriage.

A healthy marriage involves both satisfaction and stability.

Successful marriages that survive a no-sex phase (whether for 8 months or a marriage that was not consummated for 8 years) possess healthy sources of motivation. These include supporting each other through difficult times, being good parents, sharing a dream of a house or a business, dealing with a chronic problem in a supportive manner, overcoming poverty or alcoholism, receiving care and support from extended family, and having a religious or spiritual commitment to the marriage. There is a sense of pride in having survived and triumphed.

Often, the couple maintained a genuinely intimate, if not sexual, bond. Affection and physical closeness were a healthy resource.

Couples who value emotional closeness and maintain respect and trust have a solid base from which to revitalize sexual intimacy.

Religious or spiritual beliefs anchor the marital bond for many couples. These are positive prognostic signs for overcoming a no-sex or low-sex marriage. They persevered through better or worse, and it is for the better.

How can intimacy reinforce good experiences and feelings, while buffering the couple when problems recur? A prime function of intimacy is to generate special feelings. This is very different from “romantic love” feelings that are celebrated in songs, movies, and novels. The promise of romantic love is that there will be only better, not worse. Romantic love couples do not survive a no-sex or low-sex period.

Intimate couples have a special feeling about surviving a painful time. A sign of a viable marriage is the ability to cope with crisis and loss without destroying the bond of respect, trust, and intimacy. Intimate feelings are badly stressed by inhibited sexual desire and a no-sex marriage. As long as a sense of intimacy remains, sexual desire can be revitalized.

You do not want to again stress your marital bond. Intimacy dates are a powerful strategy to prevent relapse. When you value the spouse and marriage, it is hard to deny and avoid sexual issues.

The function of intimacy is to energize the marital bond, generating special feelings about the spouse and marriage.

Intimacy has the protective function of not allowing the couple to ignore or avoid critical issues.

Intimacy dates are not sufficient to promote sexual desire, but do establish a base for physical connection. For many couples, intimacy dates are the easiest bridge to sexual desire. For example, the couple talks over a cup of coffee or while gardening,a special time together. Later that day it is easier to initiate sex. You can have a drink on the deck or put on music and dance,an intimate way of being together that flows into a sexual encounter.

Couples who are separated by business travel find intimacy dates a more successful way to reconnect than having intercourse.

It is harder to turn on sexually when you feel emotionally unconnected. Passionate coming together works better for unmarried (or maybe it is just in the movies) than for married couples. Intimacy dates provide a means to feel emotionally connected and enjoy affectionate touch. This leads to a sexual encounter that day or the next. Both emotionally and physically, intimacy serves a bridging function. When Barry returns from a trip, it is rare for us to be sexual that night. Typically, the next morning we have an intimacy date,go for a walk or bike ride and then out to breakfast. This serves as a bridge to being sexual later that day.

closing thoughts.

Overcoming a no-sex or low-sex marriage and revitalizing sexual desire almost invariably include increased intimacy. One of the best ways to ensure that you will maintain and generalize sexual gains is to recognize and reinforce the vital role of emotional and sexual intimacy. A key is to recognize that not all intimacy can or should result in intercourse. Intimacy is a prime bridge for sexual desire, but not its major function. Time to emotionally share, touch, enjoy, and experience sensuality is crucial in maintaining a vital marriage. Intimacy is not the sole bridge to sexual desire, but is an important bridge. Intimacy dates can be planned or spontaneous, at home or going out, initiated by one spouse or mutual, and involve half an hour or a whole weekend. Some intimacy dates will be nonphysical, some affectionate, some sensual, some playful, some erotic, and some include intercourse.

Intimacy dates are a prime means to generalize gains and prevent relapse.