Rekindling Desire. Chapter 14. The tenth step: your parents were wrong,valuing marital sexuality.

Inhibited sexual desire and a no-sex or low-sex marriage pose a major threat to marital satisfaction and viability. When sexuality is pleasurable and functional, it is a positive, integral part of marriage, but not a dominant factor, contributing 15 to 20 percent to marital vitality and satisfaction. The main functions of marital sexuality are to create a shared pleasure, a means to deepen and reinforce intimacy, and a tension-reducer to cope with the stresses of life and marriage. Sexuality energizes and makes special your marital bond. Sexuality that is dysfunctional, inhibited, or nonexistent plays an inordinately powerful role. It becomes 50 to 70 percent of the marriage, draining intimacy and good feelings. Paradoxically, bad sex has a more powerful negative role in marriage than the positive role of good sex.

This book has presented concepts, strategies, techniques, guidelines, exercises, and case studies to help you understand and change inhibited sexual desire. Knowledge and awareness are necessary, but not sufficient, to address the complex problem of low-sex and no-sex marriages. Intimacy and sexuality are best understood as a couple issue. It is crucial to maintain motivation so that the problem is resolved and marital sexuality revitalized.

Once the self-defeating pattern of the no-sex or low-sex marriage is broken, do not be passive and expect sexuality to take care of itself. Your sexual relationship needs continual thought, communication, energy, and time. Sexuality cannot rest on its laurels. We have been married 36 years and still need to devote time and energy to maintain sexuality as a positive, integral part of our lives and relationship. A desirous, arousing, orgasmic, and emotionally satisfying sexuality energizes and makes special your marital bond. Intimacy and sexuality keep marriage vital and special.

Couples with a satisfying sexual relationship and no dysfunction still have to put time and energy into sexuality. The movie, media, love song, and fiction approach to sexuality sells products, but leads to self-defeating, unrealistic expectations.

Acceptance of sexual variability and flexibility helps maintain positive, realistic expectations. Your comfort with, anticipation of, and feeling that you deserve sexual pleasure are the bedrock of marital sexuality.

You cannot wait for everything to be perfect before you are ready to be sexual. Do not expect every experience to be perfect.

Mutual desire, arousal, orgasm, and satisfaction are ideal, but in truth, sex is not always equal and mutual. Quality of the sexual experience is more important than frequency of intercourse. Do not allow sex to fade away Touching occurs both inside and outside of the bedroom. Sometimes it is affectionate touch to maintain contact, sometimes sensual touch, sometimes playful touch, sometimes erotic touch, and sometimes intercourse touch.

Both spouses are committed to maintaining a vital sexual bond.

Try to go no longer than 2 weeks without some kind of sexual contact. Marital sex cannot be taken for granted or treated with benign neglect. Sexuality requires time, communication, and energy.

If this is true for couples who have no sexual problems, it is crucial for couples with a history of inhibited sexual desire.

Maintaining a vital sexual bond and preventing relapse are both individual and couple commitments. When sex functions as a shared pleasure, a means to reinforce intimacy, and a tension-reducer to deal with the stresses of life and the relationship, you have a powerful marital resource. When you maintain an intimate sexual connection through good and bad times, you can be confident (although do not become overconfident) that sexuality will continue to nurture and energize your marital bond.

how much intimacy?

how much sexuality?

At the beginning of this book we discussed couple styles (complementary, best friend, conflict-minimizing, emotionally expressive). Each couple develops and individualizes a couple style. A crucial dimension is finding a mutually comfortable level of intimacy. Lack of intimacy and not valuing the marriage are self-defeating. However, the opposite is not true. People who say the only thing that matters in life is marriage, give up individuality for coupleness, strive for intimacy at the cost of personal well-being, or believe that sex six times a week is more important than anything else are setting themselves up for failure. The key is finding a healthy balance between autonomy and intimacy, more intimacy is not necessarily better. This is even truer for sexuality; more is not necessarily better. Being sexual six times a week is not necessarily better than being sexual twice a week, and for many couples can be destructive.

How does a couple reach a comfortable understanding about intimacy? It is easier to say what not to do. Do not elevate intimacy into the test of marriage. Do not sacrifice individuality. Do not confuse intimacy and intercourse. Do not treat intimacy solely as a “feel good” concept. What to do? Each spouse honestly asks herself or himself what is a healthy balance between autonomy and coupleness. This is not a matter of being “politically correct” or giving the “socially desirable” response, but of what fits each individual and the marriage.

In our marriage we share almost all thoughts and feelings about emotional, psychological, and sexual issues. We have a female friend whose parents had a bitter divorce in which emotional secrets were exposed in a hostile divorce litigation. Although she trusted her husband and is committed to her marriage, she does not share emotionally sensitive issues with him (yet she does discuss these with female friends). We have as friends a couple that shares a great deal emotionally, relationally, and parentally.

However, their financial lives, especially investments and retirement funds, are handled separately. Theirs is a strongly held philosophical position. They do not respect partners who are dependent on one another financially (which includes us). A last example is a couple in which the man travels extensively on business,he is out of town at least half the time. Their agreement is that when they are together, their relationship is a priority.

When apart, they have separate lives, which includes not asking questions about what they do or how they spend their time. Many married couples (including us) would find this unacceptable, but it has worked well for this couple.

Each person needs to ascertain whether there are prerogatives and feelings he or she will keep separate from the marital bond.

We advocate telling your spouse about this parameter, but many people prefer that it remain implicit. We suggest two guidelines.

First, be sure that maintaining autonomy in this area(s) is in your best interest, not a defensive or avoidant reaction. Second, be sure that this parameter does not undermine couple intimacy and sexuality. You can integrate autonomy and intimacy in a manner that facilitates self-esteem and marital sexuality. Psychological well-being is enhanced by valuing both self-esteem and an intimate marriage. These are complementary, not antagonistic.

Autonomy involves individual needs, preferences, and desires.

Intimacy involves couple understandings and agreements, thus establishing a comfortable, viable level of connection. Do you want a “best friend” level of intimacy? This is the cultural ideal and the model we adopt in our marriage, but is not the right model for the majority of couples. This is especially true for couples with a history of inhibited sexual desire. Often the sexual problem was compounded by unrealistically high expectations about intimacy, which resulted in hurt, anger, blaming, and devaluing the marriage.

Striving for the maximum amount of intimacy is the wrong strategy for most couples. A healthier strategy is to develop a comfortable level of intimacy that balances autonomy and coupleness. Be sure that this level of intimacy supports sexual desire. For many couples, intimacy is the main bridge for desire; for others, intimacy is a lesser factor. What is comfortable and healthy for you?

accepting and valuing A common cultural myth is that women value marriage, men value sex. Marriages are healthier when the man and woman value both emotional and sexual intimacy. The culture and media emphasize gender differences (even gender wars). This is not scientifically true, nor does it promote marital or sexual satisfaction. Marriages where both spouses value intimacy and both value sexuality do not regress to a no-sex state.

Divorce is hard on both men and women, but, contrary to popular mythology, it is more difficult for men. Physical and mental health for never-married or divorced men is poorer than for married men. Men are more likely to remarry than are women.

The data are clear. Men need marriage. If that is so, why is it that men do not put a high value on marriage? Valuing one’s wife and marital sexuality is not part of the masculine image. Men in second marriages are more likely to value this marriage than are men in first marriages.

Valuing a marriage is not contingent on the spouse or marriage being perfect. Valuing means that you accept, respect, and care about the spouse and marriage, with its strengths and weaknesses, special characteristics, and vulnerabilities.

Contrary to cultural myths, women value sexuality as much as men. One reason that sex therapy is more acceptable to women is the emphasis on broad-based sensual and sexual expression, integrating intimacy and sexuality. Valuing touch,affectionate, sensual, playful, erotic, and intercourse,goes a long way toward building and maintaining sexual desire. A major barrier to valuing sexuality was the wife’s belief that sex had to be on the husbands terms,“Real sex is intercourse and orgasm.” We are strong advocates of intercourse and orgasm, but there is more to “real sex” than that. The core of sexuality is giving and receiving pleasure-oriented touching. Desire, intimacy, pleasure, and satisfaction are more important than intercourse and orgasm.

Sexuality is not like money,there is not a competition where one wins, one loses, and there is one objective measure. Sexuality is not a zero-sum game. Individual sexuality is an integration of attitudes, behavior, and feelings. At its core, sexuality is a couple, rather than an individual, concept. Sexual satisfaction involves subjective feelings, not frequency of intercourse or number of orgasms. The more you accept the importance of broad-based sexuality, the stronger will be your bond. This inoculates you against sexual dysfunction and inhibited sexual desire as you and your marriage age.

the importance of being an intimate team Valuing intimate sexuality, accepting broad-based sexuality and having a variable, flexible sexual repertoire that includes affectionate, sensual, playful, erotic, and intercourse touch are crucial. The intimate team concept is the core factor in maintaining a healthy sexual bond. A major roadblock is the traditional male ,female double standard. The male is afraid that accepting the team approach is giving in to his wife, it makes him less of a man, and there will be less intercourse and fewer orgasms. He resentfully holds on to the narrow definition of sex as intercourse.

Barry heard a man say, “We haven’t had sex in 3 years, so she owes me 156 orgasms.” What a self-defeating approach.

Sexuality is integral to who you are as a man, a woman, and a couple. The issue is how to express affection, sensuality, playfulness, eroticism, and intercourse so that these promote desire and satisfaction. When you both value touching and being an intimate team, you will have a viable, satisfying, secure marriage.

These concepts are of particular value for individuals with a history of negative or traumatic sexual experiences. Those include childhood sexual abuse, incest, rape, being sexually humiliated or rejected, a painful divorce, being sexually harassed, dealing with an unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease, and guilt over masturbation or fantasies. Feeling responsible for sexuality in the context of an intimate marriage is validating. You no longer feel victimized and controlled by past trauma. You are a survivor who deserves sexual pleasure. Sexuality enhances your life and your intimate relationship. One of the most healing and healthy cognitions is “Living well is the best revenge.” Negative sexual experiences or traumatic incidents can occur in childhood, adolescence, young adulthood, or adulthood. It happens to men as well as women. Inhibited sexual desire and a no-sex or low-sex marriage compound past negative sexual experiences. Take responsibility for your sexuality, take pride in being a survivor, trust that the spouse is your intimate friend, enjoy touching and pleasure, and see sexuality as something that enhances your life and marriage. Intimate sexuality is a personal victory and source of pride for the survivor and the marriage.

Negative experiences affect couples, not just individuals.

Couples with a history of alienation, drug or alcohol abuse, affairs and distrust, separation and threats, physical or emotional abuse, or sexual coercion take special pride in overcoming these problems and becoming an intimate, secure couple. These painful experiences would have broken up less caring, committed people.

Having survived and developed an intimate, satisfying marriage is a source of personal and couple pride.

Abusive or destructive marriages are not worth maintaining. A marriage that negates one or both people’s psychological well-being should be ended, not saved.

You have worked as an intimate team to address, understand, and change destructive emotional and sexual patterns. You could not do this alone; you needed the support and involvement of the spouse. Together, you have revitalized your marriage.

Reestablishing intimacy and sexuality is a couple task. This is even truer in maintaining an intimate, sexually satisfying marriage.

Both spouses valuing intimacy and eroticism reinforces sexual desire and functioning.

accepting nonperfect sexuality Barry’s clinical work has convinced him that no couple has a perfect marriage or a perfect sex life. One of Emily’s pet peeves with self-help books is that they overpromise a perfect solution for everyone. This is intimidating, making partners less accepting of their marriage and marital sexuality. Our joke is that because we do not have a perfect marriage or perfect sex, why should anyone else?

All marriages have strengths and weaknesses (as do all individuals). There are no couples who report equal desire, arousal, orgasm, and satisfaction every time. Human sexuality is inherently flexible and variable. Key to maintaining sexual desire is anticipating sexual pleasure and having positive, realistic expectations. Perfectionism is poison for sexual desire. Sexual competition or comparing yourselves to an ideal couple subverts desire. The myth that sex should compensate for past marital problems robs your relationship of intimacy and pleasure.

Acknowledge changes, enjoy pleasure and eroticism, commit time and energy to maintain an intimate bond, enhance your couple style, do not strive to be perfect, do not make comparisons to other couples, and do not try to compensate for the past.

A common anxiety is that if you are not hypervigilant, you will regress to a dysfunctional or at least boring sexual relationship.

How much is enough? How do you know when you are “accepting,” as opposed to “settling” or “giving up”? What are positive, realistic expectations for intimacy and sexuality?

All couples need to establish a comfortable, satisfying style for themselves, not in comparison to a perfect ideal, a romantic love fantasy, or guidelines we propose. Broad-based sexuality facilitates enjoyment of affectionate, sensual, playful, erotic, and intercourse touching. Intimacy and sexuality help you accept and value the spouse and marriage, not be a drain or source of stress.

Sexuality energizes and makes special your marital bond.

Couples with a history of inhibited sexual desire seldom consider sexuality the forté of their marriage. However, in happy marriages sexuality is a positive and integral part of your marital bond. Sexuality is now 15 to 20 percent of your marriage. Sexuality has become a shared pleasure, it reinforces intimacy, and it serves as a tension-reducer (rather than as a source of tension). No longer do inhibited desire and sexual conflict play a dominant role in your lives and marriage. Intimacy and sexuality reinforce marital vitality and satisfaction. If this is not true for you, we strongly suggest marital or sex therapy Having read this material gives you better understanding and resources for change. Therapy provides the motivation to address complex problems and frustrations, deal with setbacks, and individualize the change process.

Appendix 2 provides information about choosing a marital or sex therapist.

In rereading the book, Emily felt that we had done a good job describing the problem of low-sex and no-sex marriages. Inhibited sexual desire has been shadowed by embarrassment, shame, guilt, and stigma. What a paradox that a problem that affects 40 to 60 million Americans has been shrouded in secrecy and denial.

Throughout, Emily has advocated respect for individual differences, values, and life situations. Barry has emphasized sexual strategies and techniques for changing and enhancing intimacy and sexuality. Emily revised by emphasizing complexity, individual differences, and resolutions that are not as complete or satisfying as hoped. Intimacy and sexuality have many causes and dimensions, with individual, cultural, and value differences. You are an individual and your marriage is unique, choose what fits you, not in comparison to anyone else or even to our models and guidelines.

You owe it to yourself and your marriage to use the resources necessary to feel good (not perfect) about intimacy and sexuality.

valuing marital sexuality, not just sexuality In revitalizing marital sexuality, being an intimate team is crucial.

A 43-year-old man who developed an erection problem and inhibited sexual desire after he stopped drinking said that if it were just having orgasms, he would not have cared about revitalizing marital sexuality. Since age 14, he had always associated sex with alcohol abuse. He did not know how to be sexual in a sober state and at 43 had little desire to learn. He was afraid that frustrations about erectile dysfunction and feelings of humiliation would lead him back to alcoholism. This viewpoint was reinforced by his AA sponsor and most group members. Sex is not a major topic at AA meetings because so many recovering alcoholics associate sex with drinking. They fear that sexual problems will destabilize their lives and recovery.

With the help of his wife and a couple therapist, he realized there was a whole world of intimacy and sexuality to be explored.

He learned that sexuality is more than penis, intercourse, and orgasm. He felt better about himself, the spouse, and their marriage as he became more comfortable with intimate, flexible sexuality.

He could no longer depend on alcohol to lower inhibitions, which allowed him to feel sexually free. He was afraid he would be stuck at the opposite extreme,inhibited, self-conscious, obsessed with his penis, and failing at intercourse. He, with his wife’s active involvement, learned a new style of pleasure-oriented touching. He became comfortable with affection, sensuality, and erotic stimulation. They enjoyed a broad, flexible couple sexual style that included intercourse and orgasm, but not as the sole means of being sexual. Intimacy and sharing pleasure were more important than intercourse. This involved major changes in the wife’s view of sexuality. Although she enjoyed the intimate, erotic, and flexible aspects of their sexuality, she missed (as did he) easy, predictable intercourse.

If it were just sex,desire, easy arousal, intercourse, and predictable orgasms,most couples would give up on sex after a few years of marriage. If it were just orgasm, people would masturbate rather than have couple sex. Masturbation is easier, more controllable, predictable, and reliable than partner sex.

Intimacy and sexuality have multiple dimensions and meanings.

Sexuality is more about desire and satisfaction than are intercourse and orgasm. Quality is more important than frequency. Sexuality is to reinforce, energize, and make special your marital bond. At its core, marriage is a respectful, trusting friendship that requires emotional and sexual intimacy to thrive.

A marriage can survive without orgasm; it cannot survive without touching and emotional connection.

What does this mean in terms of you valuing marital sexuality?

Establishing an intimate connection that includes affectionate, sensual, playful, erotic, and intercourse touch is crucial; it is especially draining when this connection is absent. Ideally, you would have a vibrant sexual relationship, with easy arousal and orgasm. However, that is the exception, not the norm. There is not “one right way to be sexual.” Couples develop their unique style of intimacy and eroticism. It is crucial to affirm that you are an intimate team. Pleasure-oriented touching is integral to your marital bond. Broad-based, flexible sexuality is valued by both spouses. Try to maintain erotic contact at least twice a month. Not all touching has to or should culminate in intercourse,touching is valued for itself, as affection, a way to connect, an erotic stimulus, and a bridge for sexual desire.

A major characteristic of couples who overcome a no-sex or low-sex marriage is increased self-acceptance. You no longer need to prove something to yourself or your spouse. You are committed to maintaining an intimate, sexual marriage. The focus is on sexual quality and connection more than on intercourse frequency. You do not compare yourselves to a romantic movie ideal or to the sexual high of a new couple. Value the quality of your intimate marriage. Enjoy what is happening at present; you do not need to compensate for the past.

closing thoughts.

An intimate, satisfying marriage is highly valued by both people.

You take pride in overcoming inhibited sexual desire and a no-sex or low-sex marriage. Marriage and sexuality need continued time and psychological energy. Sexuality plays a vital, integral role in marital satisfaction as a shared pleasure, a means to reinforce intimacy, and a tension-reducer when dealing with the stresses of life and marriage. Broad-based sexuality enhances special feelings and energizes your marital bond.

It takes courage to confront and change inhibited sexual desire and a no-sex or low-sex marriage. You deserve credit for facing this secret, stigmatizing problem. Easy solutions, total cures, and “happy ever after” stories are for novels and movies, not real-life couples. Maintaining intimacy and sexuality is a couple task.

Enjoy pleasure-oriented sexuality that is flexible and broad-based.

You owe it to yourself, your spouse, and your marital bond to maintain a vital sexual intimacy.