Desire for an intimate, secure relationship is a major driving force in the decision to marry. An intimate marriage facilitates sexual desire. Intimacy is broad-based, not limited to sexual intercourse or even sexuality. Intimacy involves both emotional and sexual dimensions. A prime function of marital sexuality is to reinforce and deepen intimacy. Intimacy is higher during pleasuring and afterplay,less so during intercourse itself.
Traditionally, intimacy has been strongly valued by women and undervalued by men. Intimacy is of as much value for men as for women. Most important is the role of intimacy in nurturing, energizing, and strengthening the marital bond.
The essence of intimacy is feeling emotionally close, connected, and valued. At its core, marriage is a respectful, trusting friendship. Intimacy provides energizing, special feelings. People have emotionally close relationships with friends, siblings, parents, and mentors. The integration of emotional and sexual intimacy makes marriage special.
No-sex and low-sex marriages have a major negative impact on intimacy. Unfortunately, sexual dysfunction and conflicts have stronger negative effects on the marital bond than do the positive effects of satisfying sexuality. Lack of intimacy drains loving feelings and threatens marital viability. Intimacy and sexuality play a significant, but not dom inant, positive role in good marriages (contributing 15 to 20 percent to marital vitality and satisfaction). Inhibited sexual desire and other sexual problems play a major negative role. Sexual problems subvert the relationship, often resulting in separation and divorce, especially in the first 3 years of marriage.
The three most common sexual problems are sexual dysfunction, fertility problems, and an extramarital affair. Of these, affairs have the most impact on intimacy because they are a direct challenge to the trust bond. People do not choose to have a dysfunction or a fertility problem, whereas an affair is at least partly a choice behavior. Affairs are a violation of the trust bond, subverting emotional and sexual intimacy.
Which is more important,emotional or sexual intimacy? This makes a great talk show debate or argument at a bar, but is not psychologically helpful. Emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy are different, but complementary and well-integrated in a healthy marriage.
Traditionally, men and women learn very different lessons about intimacy. Women are socialized to value feelings, emotional connection, and an intimate relationship, but to devalue sexual expression and eroticism. Males are socialized to identify masculinity with sexuality and to emphasize sexual prowess. Men are not socialized to value emotional closeness, intimacy, or a committed relationship. It is no wonder that with such different socialization and peer influences, husbands and wives have a difficult time understanding and communicating the meaning of intimacy and sexuality.
There are more similarities than differences in intimacy needs between women and men, especially for married couples. The idea of an innate “war between the sexes” or that “men and women are from different planets” is nonsense. Both women and men are capable of desire, arousal, orgasm, and satisfaction. Both are capable of empathy, closeness, sadness, and anger. Gender struggles are not based on biological differences, nor are they predestined. Misunderstandings and conflicts are primarily a function of socialization and media hype, rather than of genetic or hormonal differences.
Our premise, which has strong empirical support, is that an intimate, satisfying marriage recognizes shared feelings, capabilities, and values of the woman and man. This promotes a respectful, trusting friendship, which is the foundation for a satisfying, stable marriage. Emotional and sexual intimacy generates special feelings and energizes the marital bond.
Healthy sexuality plays an integral role in marital satisfaction.
The main functions of sexuality are as a shared pleasure, to deepen and reinforce intimacy, and as a tension reducer to alleviate the stresses inherent in life and marriage. Intimacy and sexuality energize and make special the marital bond. When sexuality is problematic or nonexistent, it serves as a major drain, robbing the marriage of intimacy and good feelings.
emotional intimacy.
Emotional intimacy has a more subtle role in marital satisfaction than sexual intimacy has, but is just as important. Mature intimacy is quite different from the romantic love that initially brought the couple together. Romantic love is an intense emotional experience; the partner and the relationship are idealized. You feel special because the partner has chosen you. Romantic love dissipates by the time of marriage or within the first year. When replaced by mature intimacy, the marriage has a solid foundation. Feeling cared for and caring for the spouse, sharing positive and negative feelings, experiencing empathic communication, feeling personally validated, enjoying a sense of “we-ness,” and establishing closeness are integral to emotional intimacy. Being in an emotionally intimate relationship brings out the best in each person. Emotional intimacy blends autonomy and coupleness.
Both emotional caring and a positive influence process are reinforced. There is a positive, reciprocal relationship between emotional intimacy and sexual satisfaction. Sexual problems subvert emotional intimacy. Decreased emotional intimacy makes sexual problems worse and sets the stage for a no-sex or low-sex marriage. Maintaining emotional intimacy is a positive prognostic sign for resolving sexual desire and dysfunction problems.
Emotional intimacy has value in itself. It is a major factor in both psychological well-being and marital satisfaction.
Intimacy is an overused term, centered on “feeling good.” Intimacy is more than positive feelings. Genuine intimacy includes the entire range of personal and couple feelings and experiences. Intimacy involves sharing weaknesses, vulnerabilities, fears, and negative experiences, as well as strengths, assets, competencies, and positive experiences.
Intimate couples share a range of feelings,from anger to disappointment, boredom to numbness, joy to excitement, closeness to love. The core of marriage is respect and trust.
Without this, intimacy is vulnerable and unstable.
We emphasize being an “intimate team.” Intimacy does not mean giving up your personhood,you retain autonomy and individuality. The challenge is maintaining a healthy balance of individuality with coupleness. Either extreme can cause problems. People who are isolated or overly protective of personal boundaries are unable to feel close and share their lives. The other extreme is enmeshed or fused couples. These couples are so reactive, they cannot make requests, incorporate negative feedback, or express sexual needs. They think of themselves as extremely intimate, but clinicians view this as a self-defeating pseudo-intimacy. Healthy intimacy allows for both individuality and coupleness.
Emotional intimacy includes freedom to express feelings without needing the spouse’s s approval. It helps to have the spouse’s s emotional validation. This has to be genuine, not given in order to placate or accommodate. Healthy marriages accept differences in feelings, attitudes, and behavior without negating intimacy. Being an intimate couple does not mean being the same person. Feelings are listened to in a respectful, caring manner.
Your spouse does not have to agree with you. Each person has a right to his or her feelings and thoughts. A strength of intimate relationships is that your spouse knows you psychologically and emotionally. You feel loved and accepted for who you are, strengths and weaknesses, competencies and idiosyncrasies.
sexual intimacy.
Ideally, emotional and sexual intimacy are integrated. Some couples have difficulty with emotional intimacy, but do well sexually. More typically, couples enjoy emotional intimacy, but are troubled sexually. The most common pattern is that the couple has difficulty with both emotional and sexual intimacy. The traditional marriage therapy adage was that if the couple resolved emotional and relationship problems, sex would take care of itself.
Although true for some couples and some sexual problems, it is not the norm. Sexual intimacy is a unique dimension that needs to be specifically addressed.
Sexuality is more than genitals, intercourse, and orgasm. Sexual intimacy is more than functional sex. The essence of sexual intimacy is openness and comfort, the ability to share your body, especially sensual and erotic feelings.
People can be sexually responsive and functional with no intimacy,consider the one night stand or angry sex. Sex is at its most human when the sexual relationship combines eroticism with emotional intimacy. Sharing yourself, your body, and your feelings is the essence of sexual intimacy. Partners share sexual thoughts and feelings, enjoy sensuality and nondemand pleasuring, give and receive erotic stimulation, come together during intercourse, allow arousal to flow to orgasm, and enjoy afterplay as a bonding experience.
The main functions of marital sexuality are a shared pleasure, a means to deepen and strengthen intimacy, and a tension-reducer to deal with the stresses of life and marriage. Marital sex can be a mix and match, depending on the couples feelings, needs, situation, and time constraints. Sometimes it is very intimate, tender, warm, extended, and loving. Other times, sex is short, intense, and lustful. Intimate sex can be loving, erotic, or both.
Intimate sexuality involves awareness of feelings and needs.
Intimacy includes freedom to take sexual risks and communicate desires. The prescription for vital sexual desire and satisfying marital sexuality is integrating emotional intimacy, nondemand pleasuring, and erotic scenarios and techniques.
Nondemand pleasuring is a key. Affectionate (holding hands, kissing, hugging) and sensual (massages, bathing or showering together, cuddling on the couch semiclothed, snuggling at night or in the morning) experiences have value in themselves. Couples enjoy touching both inside and outside the bedroom. Not all touching can or should lead to intercourse. Touching can serve as a bridge to sexual desire. Other times, it is a way to stay connected.
Sometimes you want an orgasm, sometimes you want a hug. Men have a hard time asking for a hug, so they initiate sex. Women have a hard time saying they feel lustful, so they initiate a hug.
Optimally, the woman and man are comfortable initiating both nondemand pleasuring and intercourse.
Touching is a request, not a demand. Intimate coercion has no place in marriage. Coercion poisons sexual desire. Intimate coercion includes the implicit threat of an affair, withholding love or money, being angry or belittling, or using sex as a bribe.
Genuine intimacy respects the autonomy and personal boundaries of each spouse. Requests do not carry the implicit threat of a negative consequence if there is not sex. The spouse has the right to accept, say no, or offer an alternative. A demand says, “Do this my way, now, or there will be negative consequences.” A request says, “this is how I feel and what I want, I am open to your feelings and needs, I want this encounter to be enjoyable for both of us.” With demands, you win the sexual battle, but lose the intimacy bond. With requests, both individuals and marital intimacy win.
Exercise,emotional intimacy.
In discussions of intimacy, the traditional focus is on the spontaneous expression of feelings. We are in favor of spontaneity and naturalness, but it is naive and self-defeating to believe that this alone sustains a marriage, especially a marriage plagued by sexual problems. This exercise asks you to have a planned, intentional “intimacy date.” Traditionally, males have undervalued intimacy, so let the man be the initiator. Be sure you are both alert and awake, have time (at least half an hour,an hour is preferred), and will not be interrupted (the children are asleep or out of the house, the answering machine is on, you do not answer the door). The man can enhance the milieu by having a glass of wine or speciality coffee, playing music in the background, and sitting on the porch or in the family room. Initiation is personal and inviting, not “we have to do the exercise.” Discuss an experience where you felt especially emotionally intimate. Examples include walking on the beach and feeling close, disclosing hopes and dreams, remembering your most intimate lovemaking, showing the spouse the neighborhood you grew up in and discussing your childhood, deciding you want to start a family, going on a picnic or hike and talking about your lives, feeling romantic and loving after attending a friends wedding, reacting to a loss and crying together, sharing excitement after a promotion, staying up all night to wallpaper your first apartment, walking in the rain, or after your first child was born realizing that you were a family and not just a couple.
Focus on feelings, not on the event. How open were you? How close did you feel? How trusting were you?
What is the present state of emotional intimacy in the marriage?
Be honest and specific. What do you say or do that facilitates intimacy? How frequently does it occur? How genuine are the feelings? How do you feel afterward?
The next topic is sensitive and difficult. What attitudes, behaviors, and feelings inhibit intimacy? Focus on your own feelings and behavior, not on what the spouse does or does not do. It is a cop-out to blame the spouse. Be responsible for your behavior. Specifically, what do you do or not do that blocks emotional intimacy? Is it intentional or unintentional? What are the advantages for you of maintaining barriers to intimacy? Are you willing to give up these barriers?
Make three specific requests that will enhance feelings of intimacy. Remember, these are requests, not demands. What do you want the spouse to say or do that would increase your feelings of intimacy? Examples include talking by phone during the day (at least every other day); nondemand touching before going to sleep or on wakening; taking a walk and talking about feelings at least once a week; disclosing a painful experience or feeling, with the spouse empathically listening; saying, “I love you” in a genuine manner; once a week going out for dinner or coffee and dessert and discussing hopes and plans; after the children are asleep, putting on music and dancing; making birthdays and your anniversary special; making a romantic gesture like bringing flowers or a personal gift; in the midst of a conflict, not calling names or engage in dirty fighting; and greeting each other with a hug. Each spouse makes three specific, personal requests.
Intimacy does not mean you get everything you ask for or want.
The spouse is a separate person with separate feelings, perceptions, and needs. The spouse does not have to give you everything the way you want it. Losing personal autonomy or giving up a sense of self to please the spouse does not promote genuine intimacy. In fact, it subverts intimacy. The spouse does commit to listening in a respectful, caring manner. Both partners are committed to increasing intimacy, expressing feelings, and being a respectful, trusting couple.
the interplay between emotional and sexual intimacy.
Emotional and sexual intimacy are different, but complementary.
Emotional intimacy usually involves affectionate touch, sometimes sensual touch, but usually not erotic touch. Sexual intimacy focuses on erotic touch and usually, but not necessarily, includes intercourse. Wives often say they need to feel emotionally connected before having sex. Husbands often say that sex facilitates emotional connection. Ideally, the wife and husband value both emotional and sexual intimacy. These are not dichotomous dimensions, nor are they genderspecific. Emotional intimacy can be as valuable for the husband as for the wife. He has a right to emotional closeness, a hug, a supportive spouse. She has as much right to eroticism and orgasm as the husband does.
Desire, arousal, and orgasm promote her well-being (as well as marital satisfaction).
Intimacy dates can be primarily talking, primarily touching, or a blend of talking and touching. Intimacy dates can evolve into intercourse, but that is not their purpose. The primary function of intimacy dates is to enhance feelings of closeness and validation.
Touching, whether affectionate, sensual, playful, or erotic, facilitates intimacy. Think of the spouse as an intimate friend with whom you express a range of feelings, sharing good and bad times. Intimacy dates keep couples connected and set the stage for sexual desire.
Exercise,sexual intimacy dates.
This exercise focuses on enhancing sexual communication and pleasure. Because, traditionally, it is the man who initiates sexual activity, let the woman take the lead. Ideally, both the husband and wife are comfortable initiating and both feel free to say no to a sexual request and suggest an alternative means to physically connect. To establish a comfortable milieu, begin by taking a shower or bath together. Cleanliness (especially washing genitals) facilitates sexuality. Showering or bathing can be a sensual experience. If showering, experiment with types of spray or temperature; if bathing, try a new bath oil or soap to increase awareness of sensual stimuli.
Start by soaping your spouse’s back. Trace muscles and contours; rub and gently massage, ask him to face you. Soap his chest, stomach, genitals, hips, and legs. Let him soap and wash you. Many couples find sexual play in the shower particularly inviting and erotic. As you rinse off, play with his body, including his genitals.
Proceed to the bedroom, feeling natural being nude. Pleasuring and erotic stimulation are best done in the nude. Begin touching, using the giver-receiver format. Midway through, switch to mutual stimulation. Most couples prefer mutual stimulation; be aware of your feelings and preferences. Explore and see what feels good. What is the best way to transition from pleasuring to erotic stimulation?
Traditionally, the sexual script was to move from “foreplay” to intercourse, with the man directing foreplay to get the woman ready for intercourse. Be intimate partners; engage in nondemand pleasuring; evolve into erotic stimulation, which includes intercourse, but is not limited to intercourse.
In pleasuring, the giving partner enjoys touching for herself, without second-guessing him. The man is passive with his eyes closed, taking in pleasurable sensations. She mixes genital with nongenital pleasuring. Couples are used to short, intense male arousal,experiment with moderate and fluctuating levels of pleasure. Be aware that subjec-tive arousal waxes and wanes, as does his erection. This is a new experience for couples who always go to intercourse on the first erection. Then switch roles. The man enjoys being the giver in a pleasure-oriented manner, rather than in goal-oriented foreplay. Enjoy exploratory touching rather than trying to “turn her on.” Experiment with playful, teasing pleasure, mixing nongenital and genital touching. Let her decide when to transition to mutual give-and-take erotic stimulation.
Experiment with multiple stimulation in the context of nonintercourse sex. Later, utilize multiple stimulation during intercourse. Examples of multiple stimulation include: kneeling while facing the spouse, who is also kneeling,kissing, mutual manual stimulation, with the man doing oral breast stimulation; the woman standing, the man kneeling, utilizing manual vulva stimulation, combined with oral breast stimulation; engaging in mutual manual stimulation while she verbalizes a fantasy of him being her sexual slave; the woman lying on her side, the man kneeling, rubbing his penis against her breast as he manually stimulates her vulva; the woman lying on her back, the man between her legs, giving oral stimulation and simultaneously manual anal stimulation, while she caresses her breasts and verbalizes feelings of arousal. If she desires, continue erotic stimulation to orgasm.
Let the woman initiate the transition from pleasuring to intercourse. She initiates intercourse and guides intromission (i.e., guides his penis into her vagina). Integrate multiple stimulation during intercourse. Traditionally, men focused solely on thrusting. Most men (and women) find that multiple stimulation during intercourse increases involvement and arousal. Examples include from the man-on-top position, she caresses his testicles as he stretches and licks her breast; from the rear entry position, caressing her vulva as she verbalizes erotic feelings and he fantasizes; in the woman-on-top position, he watches her arousal as he plays with her breasts and she uses circular thrusting; from the side-by-side position, she strokes his chest as he rubs her buttocks and they kiss each others bodies.
Afterplay is an integral part of sexuality. Many couples feel emotionally closer after sex than at any other time. Strengthening intimacy is a prime function of sexuality. You feel emotionally bonded after a sexual experience. Afterplay is the most ignored element in sex. Do you like to lie and hold each other, sleep in each others arms, engage in playful tickling or a warm kiss, take a walk, read poetry, nap and start again, or talk and come down together?
Find one or two afterplay scenarios that are comfortable and satisfying.
Katharine and eric.
When they first heard about the concept of an intimacy date, Katharine was thrilled, but Eric was put off. They had had intercourse only four times since their son was born 18 months earlier. Eric worried that intimacy dates would be another way to avoid sex. Tension over their no-sex marriage had steadily built and was interfering with all aspects of the relationship, including parenting. Sexual tension was expressed through irritability, especially Eric harping about Katherine’s judgment and not trusting her. Although he considered separation, Eric was afraid Katharine would cut him off from their son as she had cut him off sexually. Katharine worried about Eric’s anger and blaming, and feared that he would withdraw financial support if they separated.
Trust and intimacy were at a low ebb.
Intimacy requires willingness to be open to and to trust the spouse. Their minister suggested therapy, but Katharine was not willing to engage in sex therapy. Eric was willing to see a therapist about the sex problem, but was not willing to enter marriage therapy When Eric was 9, his parents began marriage therapy After several therapies and therapists, they divorced when Eric was 13. This made him cynical about marriage therapy The church sponsored a weekend retreat for couples, which the minister encouraged Katherine and Eric to attend. There they were introduced to the concept of intimacy dates as a way to maintain emotional connection. Over the next 2 months Katharine and Eric stayed with the structure of weekly intimacy dates, usually initiated by Katharine. Katharine made it clear that she did not want intimacy dates to turn into sexual dates. After initial resistance, Eric accepted this and learned to value these experiences. He especially enjoyed dates where they went for a walk while a neighborhood friend watched their son. Katharine valued time with Eric when she could share feelings and discuss life issues. They had an understanding that they would not talk about sex, parenting, or money on intimacy dates. Katharine’s attachment to and trust in Eric increased. Eric did not see intimacy dates as a substitute for a sexual relationship, but they increased his desire to revitalize the marriage. An unexpected side effect is that they became cooperative and supportive parents.
Emotionally and parentally, they were a team.
Instead of being angry and blaming, Eric shared with Katharine his puzzlement that emotional intimacy did not transfer to sexuality. Instead of feeling hurt and counterattacking, Katharine admitted that she shared his puzzlement. They agreed to again seek the minister’s counsel. The minister congratulated them on the positive changes and growth.
The traditional view is that if the couple dealt with conflicts and reestablished emotional intimacy, the sexual problem would naturally improve. Yet this is not true for the majority of couples (and was not true for Katharine and Eric). The minister strongly recommended that they consult a female sex therapist whose core training was in pastoral counseling. This was the impetus Katharine needed to begin couple sex therapy. Katherine’s s trust and intimacy with Eric were strong; she felt comfortable seeing a female therapist and reassured that the therapist utilized a spiritual-based approach.
The therapist was very supportive of intimacy dates and strongly encouraged continuing them. The clinician utilized feelings and insights from the intimacy dates to help assess what was inhibiting sexual desire. During intimacy dates, Katharine was her own person. Eric accepted her and enjoyed being with her. In the sexual relationship, Katharine was not her own person.
In the past Katharine had been aroused and orgasmic, so Eric felt that there was no problem, except her withholding. Eric considered himself the sexually interested and sophisticated partner, seeing Katharine as less sexual.
A core element in revitalizing marital sex was that Katharine needed to be her own sexual person. She said, “I need to have my sexual voice.” Eric had to accept that her sexual desires and preferences were different than his. This did not make them inferior or better, just different. Having learned to accept different preferences in intimacy dates made sexual differences easier for Eric to understand and accept.
In reviewing her sexual attitudes and experiences, Katharine realized that she had been primed to develop inhibited sexual desire. Katherine’s s dating and premarital experiences reinforced what she had learned from her mother and the church: Males were more sexually oriented than females. Katharine was surprised that arousal and orgasm were easy for her, but she felt that sex was driven by the man and he got more from it. When Eric and Katharine began as a couple, this pattern was reinforced.
Katharine felt attracted to Eric and from the beginning enjoyed emotional and sexual intimacy. However, Eric did not attend to Katherine’s need for a relationship that integrated eroticism and intimacy. After 2 months, they stopped discussing sexual feelings and requests.
Eric felt that sexual problems began after the birth of their son, but Katharine dated it to the pregnancy. For Katharine it was very special to have sex with the intention of trying to become pregnant.
She was put off that Eric cared only about increased frequency A major disconnect occurred after she became pregnant.
Katharine was aware of changes in her body,from nausea to breast tenderness, then excitement mixed with worry when the baby moved. Eric seemed oblivious. He wanted to continue intercourse for the whole 9 months. It was as if Katharine’s body and feelings did not count. They went to prenatal classes together and experienced prepared childbirth. However, when it came to sexuality, Katharine did not see Eric as her intimate friend.
After their son was born, Katharine felt even more emotionally and sexually alienated. Mothering and breast feeding were a major transition, especially dealing with interrupted sleep and sleep deprivation. She saw Eric as uninvolved, and felt that he was as sexually demanding as the baby was physically demanding.
One time Eric sucked on her breasts when she was full of milk, he thought it was funny, whereas Katharine felt it was gross. Eric knew that Katharine was upset, but had not known why.
Awareness of what causes inhibited sexual desire can be helpful, but only if awareness facilitates positive changes in the intimate and erotic relationship, especially building bridges to sexual desire. It is counterproductive when used as ammunition for blaming.
Eric affirmed that Katharine’s emotional and sexual needs were as important as his. Eric no longer pushed sex at the expense of her feelings. Katharine began to think of Eric as her trusted, intimate friend. Eric was open to following her sexual lead.
Katharine was open to using intimacy dates as a transition to sexual dates, but Eric needed to wait for her verbal invitation, not push. Eric preferred initiating sexual dates in a different manner, but accepted Katharine’s preferences. If she did not say that she wanted to transition into intercourse, he enjoyed intimacy and affection for itself. Eric had a hard time understanding that Katharine put less importance on orgasm; for him, orgasm was central. They had one particularly intimate, close experience where he was orgasmic and Katharine was not. Katharine enjoyed and got more out of the experience than Eric did. This helped him understand the multidimensional aspects of her sexual feelings.
Sexuality was a more satisfying part of their marriage than ever before. Katharine felt pleased with the quality of the sexual relationship. Katharine and Eric were an intimate, equitable team.
Katharine believed that the key to maintaining gains was weekly intimacy dates. Eric committed to initiating an intimacy date if they went more than 10 days without a sexual connection.
maintaining intimacy during hard times A measure of marital viability is the ability to stay emotionally connected during times of stress or conflict. Intimacy is easy when things are going well. Intimacy energizes the marital bond. Yet intimacy is more than that. Maintaining a view of the spouse as your intimate friend even when there are disappointments or frustrations is a sign of a viable marriage. Conflict does not have to negate emotional intimacy. Anger need not be a reason to stop being sexual. Learn to deal with hurt, angry feelings, and resolve conflicts outside the bedroom. The sexually intimate couple is motivated to deal with conflicts and negative feelings. Couples who have confidence in their ability to deal with and resolve conflict have a crucial marital resource. Couples who do not sacrifice intimacy while dealing with conflict are especially healthy.
What happens when anger and conflict center around sexual issues, especially an extramarital affair or a sexual secret such as compulsive use of pornography? It is doubtful that what we say in this book will successfully address that problem. This type of issue requires professional therapy. Rather than letting the problem fester and destroy intimacy, it is a sign of good judgment to seek marital or sex therapy (Appendix 1 has suggestions and guidelines for choosing a therapist).
closing thoughts.
Enhancing emotional and sexual intimacy is a powerful means to build sexual desire. Partners who reestablish intimacy are in a better position to challenge the no-sex or low-sex state of their marriage. Intimacy is a couple process; being an intimate couple makes it easier to deal with sexual problems. This does not take away personal responsibility, but does challenge the guilt-blame trap that paralyzes the couple.
Intimacy has the positive function of energizing the marital bond and building feelings of caring and closeness. Just as important, the couple is aware of how draining the sexual problem is and feels motivated to confront it. Both partners value an emotionally and sexually intimate marriage.
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