Rekindling Desire. Chapter 8. the fourth step: let’s play feely-touchy,nondemand pleasuring.

The essence of sexuality is giving and receiving pleasure-oriented touching. Touching and sensuality is the core of sexual response. In many, if not most, marriages, when intercourse ceases, so does sensual touch and often affectionate touch. Revitalizing touch and sensuality is crucial in breaking the cycle of the no-sex or low-sex marriage.

Nondemand pleasuring is integral to sexual desire. The prescription for a vital marital sexuality is integrating intimacy, nondemand pleasuring, and erotic stimulation. A pleasure orientation contrasts with a performance orientation. “Foreplay” is used to get the woman (and, with aging, the man) ready for intercourse. “Pleasuring” includes affectionate touch, sensual touch, playful touch, and erotic touch. Pleasuring has value in itself, not just as foreplay. This includes touching both inside and outside of the bedroom. Not all touching is oriented toward intercourse. Pleasuring confronts the rigid dichotomy in the no-sex marriage,either no touching or foreplay to intercourse.

Nondemand pleasuring is a healthy bridge to revitalize sexual desire.

Pleasuring is a couple concept. Affectionate (holding hands, kissing, hugging) and sensual touch (massage, bathing together, cuddling on the couch semiclothed, snuggling at night or in the morning) has great value. Couples are open to and can enjoy a range of sensual and playful touching experiences. Pleasuring can serve as a bridge to sexual desire and intercourse, but that is not its chief function. Touch is not a pressure or demand for sex.

Nondemand pleasuring is just like it sounds,a way of maintaining physical contact, feeling connected, and sharing pleasure. Each spouse communicates his or her feelings and desires.

Nondemand pleasuring is in direct contrast to the game-playing and miscommunication that characterize dating couples.

Pleasuring challenges the couple to communicate in a clear, comfortable, trusting manner. Touching is a source of closeness, warmth, and intimacy, not miscommunication, pressure, or conflict. Sometimes you want an orgasm, sometimes you want a hug. Men have a hard time asking for a hug, so they initiate sex.

Women have a hard time saying they want sex, so they initiate a hug. Through the process of nondemand pleasuring, each spouse becomes comfortable with feelings and desires for affectionate, sensual, playful, and erotic contact. Optimally, both the husband and wife are open to initiating nondemand pleasuring. Pleasuring is valued as a means to reinforce marital intimacy and connection.

requests, not demands.

Touching is a request, not a demand. Intimacy and touching involve trusting the spouse. Intimate coercion has no place in marriage. Marital rape is the extreme of coercion in that it involves physical force. Intimate coercion does not involve force, but rather demands and pressure. Coercion says, “I want sex my way, at this time, and if you do not go along, there will be negative consequences.” This includes the implicit threat of an affair, withholding love or money if a specific sex act does not occur, being distant or angry if there is no sex, or using sex as a bribe.

Coercion kills intimacy and desire.

Nondemand pleasuring involves requests and cooperation.

You respect the spouse’s individuality and autonomy. Each partner has a right to his or her feelings and to express desires and wants. The spouse has the freedom to enthusiastically accept, say no, or offer an alternative. A request says, “This is what I feel and want, I am open to your feelings and needs, you do not have to worry about negative consequences.” Requests facilitate intimate communication. Demands set up an adversarial, performance situation. Demands let you win the sexual battle, but you lose the intimate bond. With requests, both individuals and the marriage win.

Nondemand pleasuring facilitates sexual desire. Pleasuring forms a bridge between affection and eroticism. It is the vital link between an emotionally intimate and a sexually satisfying relationship.

Replacing foreplay with pleasuring and goal-oriented performance with pleasure orientation facilitates marital intimacy. Pleasuring requires the partners to be aware of and communicate how they are feeling and what they want. This replaces the rigid male,female sex roles we learned as adolescents. You learn to engage as an equitable, intimate team.

Pleasuring challenges the rigid view that sex equals intercourse.

The couple adopts a flexible, interactive approach to touching, sensuality, and sexuality. Rigid thinking and a dichotomous view of sex keep couples stuck in the guilt/blame power struggle.

Pleasuring facilitates physical and emotional connection.

Couples with chronic inhibited sexual desire are reluctant to experiment with nondemand pleasuring. Interfering factors include fears and inhibitions, but primarily, it is the reluctance to reengage in touching. It is easier to avoid than to try again. They fear falling into the yes,no struggle of intercourse. One way to introduce nondemand pleasuring is through semistructured exercises, with the clear understanding that there is a temporary prohibition on orgasm or intercourse. This provides a comfortable milieu to explore pleasuring.

Exercise,nondemand pleasuring.

The focus of this exercise (preferably, a series of exercises) is to enhance communication and pleasure, while reducing performance orientation. There is a prohibition on orgasm and intercourse. This facilitates increased awareness and helps you focus on feelings, touch, sensations, and sensuality.

Traditionally, it has been the man’s role to initiate, so let the woman take the initiative. Ideally, both the man and woman feel comfortable initiating and each feels free to say no and to suggest an alternative way to experience physical connection. Begin by taking a shower or bath together; this sets a comfortable milieu.

Cleanliness (especially washing genitals) facilitates comfort and openness.

Showering or bathing is a sensuous activity. When showering, experiment with different types of spray or temperature. When bathing, try a new bath oil or bubble bath to increase awareness of sensual stimuli. Soap your spouses back. Trace the contours and muscles; rub and gently massage. This is not a rigorous back-rub, but a sensual exploration. Ask your spouse to face you; look into his eyes. Eye contact facilitates closeness and trust. Soap his neck and chest. Move downward to the stomach,soap and touch in a gentle, exploratory manner. Wash his genitals as you would any body part. Genitals are an integral, natural part of your body The focus is not stimulation and arousal, but exploration and pleasure.

Touch and soap his hips and legs. Switch roles,be open to his touching and washing you. He treats your breasts and vulva like any other body part. Be aware of what feels particularly sensual.

Dry each other. Take your time, be tender, stand still, and take a good look at each other. Notice two or three physical attributes you find particularly attractive.

Proceed to the bedroom, feeling natural being nude. If you are not comfortable walking through the house nude, put on a robe or towel, but take it off when you reach the bedroom. Pleasuring is best done in the nude. In subsequent pleasuring experiences, experiment with sensual clothing or being semidressed. Keep the room at a comfortable temperature, with a moderate amount of light. If one spouse prefers to darken the room, that is fine, but be sure you can see the partner’s body To enhance the milieu, put on your favorite music, burn a candle with a pleasant fragrance, or both. Experiment with mood enhancers during subsequent experiences,for example, some couples find that classical music facilitates sensuality, others find that multicolored candles enhance the milieu, and others use a lamp with a blue or red light.

Start with the giver-receiver format, and let the woman take the first turn as pleasure giver. Be sure that each spouse has an opportunity to be giver and recipient. In subsequent experiences, experiment with mutual pleasuring. A sexually satisfying relationship involves both spouses being comfortable receiving and giving pleasure. Interestingly, men find it harder to receive than to give.

The recipient (in this instance, the man) has three tasks. The first is to be passive and receive pleasure. The second is to keep his eyes closed, focusing on feelings and sensations (this reduces the giver’s self-consciousness). The third is to be aware of what parts of his body and what types of touch are sensual and pleasurable.

She looks at his body in an open, exploratory manner. She is free to play, giving a variety of touch and body stimulation. Rather than try to second-guess him, she touches for herself. She engages in stimulation that she enjoys giving. This is as an opportunity for her to enjoy touching, to not be distracted by past frustrations or disappointments. She savors the simple pleasures of giving and receiving touch and does not try to turn on her partner. The following are guidelines, not hard and fast rules. Both partners should feel free to be creative and innovative.

Have the man turn over on his back. He keeps his eyes closed, getting as comfortable as possible. The woman notices signs of relaxation and is aware of the difference between this and the tension she has observed during prior sexual experiences. She gently massages his forehead. She outlines favorite facial features with her fingertips. She tenderly kisses his closed eyes. She kisses his face, ears, and neck.

She massages his nipples. Does this touch feel sensual? Males inhibit their natural response because they think that men are not supposed to feel pleasure there. When exploring his chest, she uses smooth, tender strokes, covering the sides as well. She lightly strokes his body hair. She runs her hands sideways around his stomach. Do his stomach muscles react to her touch?

She looks at the front of his body. Does he have an erection? She accepts this as a natural response to pleasure. She is aware of touching the penis when it is flaccid, as opposed to when erect.

Women view erection as a demand. Remember, there is a prohibition on orgasm. A common myth is that when the man has an erection, the woman must do something, have intercourse or at least bring him to orgasm. Interestingly, the man, too, believes that an erection must mean sexual arousal, and rushes to intercourse even when he does not feel like sex. Both partners can enjoy the erection as a natural response to touching and pleasure, without feeling any demand.

She explores the genitals as she would other parts of his body.

She is aware of the penis,glans, shaft, frenulum. As she explores his testes, she notices which is larger and what the shapes remind her of. She notices how the testicles move inside the scrotum.

If her spouse is circumcised (most American men are), she traces the glans with her fingertips. If he is uncircumcised, she moves back the foreskin and gently explores the glans. She massages and caresses his inner thighs, perineum, and scrotum. She notices how the scrotum changes as he becomes aroused. When her touching stops, she notices that his erection subsides. Erections naturally wax and wane (as does vaginal lubrication). Men become anxious when the erection wanes because they are used to going to intercourse and orgasm on the first erection. Waxing and waning of erection is a natural, physiological response to prolonged pleasuring. During a 45-minute pleasuring session, the erection might wax and wane two to five times.

For both the man and woman, awareness that sexuality is more than genitals, intercourse, and orgasm is crucial. She can touch for herself,enjoy rubbing, caressing, and playing. If at any point she (or he) feels anxious or uncomfortable, she should not stop or avoid. Both partners can lie and hold each other until she feels secure and comfortable. Then she returns to nondemand pleasuring. The female giver proceeds at her own pace and comfort level.

She continues body exploration, enjoying slow, tender, rhythmic, flowing touch. She enjoys his whole body, including the penis as a natural part of him. When she feels comfortable with his body and sensual touch, they switch roles.

The woman lies on her stomach, allowing herself to be open and relaxed. The man finds a comfortable position for giving, whether sitting, kneeling, or lying. He does touching and pleasuring for himself, not trying to repeat her pattern, second-guess what she wants, or turn her on. Traditionally, men touch as foreplay to get women ready for intercourse. This exercise focuses on comfort, exploration, and sharing pleasure. The man touches and strokes the back of her body. Let stroking be slow, rhythmic, and tender.

Do not rush the process. He explores from the top of her head to the soles of her feet, with a focus on pleasure and sensuality.

When it is time to turn over, he gently helps her move to her back, She keeps her eyes closed, focusing on feelings and sensations. He touches the front of her body, and does not zero in on the breasts or vulva. He integrates nongenital pleasuring with genital touch. He thinks of her breasts in a sensual manner. He explores a variety of touches, while she is aware of sensations and feelings. With the palm of the hand, he starts at her waist and moves to the neck with one long motion. He is careful not to press hard; breasts can be sensitive. Sometimes the difference between pleasurable and irritating touch is less than an inch or a minor difference in pressure. He traces her nipple with his fingertips.

Does it become erect?

He massages her torso, strokes her stomach. He tickles and plays with her belly button. He explores her genitals. He runs his fingers gently through her pubic hair and caresses the mons. He spreads the labia with his fingers. He becomes comfortable with the sight and feel of her genitals. He identifies the clitoris and clitoral shaft by gently pulling back the clitoral hood. He looks carefully at her labia, noticing how the labia surround the vaginal introitus (opening). As he explores her genitals, he touches and strokes her arm, kisses her face, or both. He spreads the vaginal opening with two fingers and notices the color and texture of the interior. He gently inserts one finger into the vagina and notices the sensations of containment. This is not a medical exam, but a comfortable, gentle exploration. If at any time there is pain or either person becomes uncomfortable, he stops touching, but keeps contact by holding. During intravaginal exploration, he feels the warmth and dampness. Is he comfortable with the feel and smell of vaginal lubrication? This is a natural process that waxes and wanes in the same manner as erections. He touches and explores the mons and perineum. He moves slowly and gently to ensure that touching and exploration are inviting.

He explores her legs, thighs, and feet in a sensuous, unhurried manner. He does a whole body massage, intermixing nongenital and genital touching. He is aware of favorite body parts and favorite touches. He focuses on openness and pleasure, not on arousal or orgasm.

End this exercise by holding each other, experiencing warmth and intimacy. Lie in bed and share feelings. What have you both learned of sensuality and pleasure? Is once enough or would you benefit from repeated experiences with nondemand pleasuring?

What can you focus on in subsequent exercises? Verbally and nonverbally, guide your spouse in the type of touching that is most pleasurable. Do you enjoy multiple stimulation or is one touch at a time preferable? Does talking enhance intimacy, or does it distract from pleasure? Is mutual touching more pleasurable than the giver-recipient format? Do you want more or less kissing? Is playfulness more pleasurable than slow, deliberate touching?

How can you generalize what you have learned from nondemand pleasuring to lovemaking and intercourse?

the value of nondemand pleasuring.

We strongly believe in the value of nondemand pleasuring. We have considered writing an entire book on sensuality and nonintercourse eroticism. The sex therapy concept of reducing performance anxiety by placing a temporary prohibition on intercourse is understood, if not totally accepted. It is seen as temporary, a way to reintroduce intercourse. It is hard to get away from the cultural mandate that “real sex is intercourse.” We are not opposed to intercourse; in fact, we are unequivocal supporters of intercourse. Nondemand pleasuring and intercourse are complementary not in opposition or conflict.

If forced to say whether intercourse alone or nondemand pleasuring alone most contributes to marital intimacy, we would choose nondemand pleasuring! Why? The main functions of marital sexuality are that it is a shared pleasure, a means to deepen and reinforce intimacy and a tension-reducer. Nondemand pleasuring serves these needs better than does intercourse.

Intercourse is better for conception. You can-not get pregnant through pleasuring. What about orgasm? Intercourse is a better producer of orgasms for males than for females. Erotic stimulation is a natural transition from pleasuring. Most males are able to be orgasmic with manual, oral, or rubbing stimulation. Most women find it easier to be orgasmic with manual, oral, or rubbing stimulation than during intercourse, although many women value orgasm during intercourse.

Although an interesting conceptual point about pleasuring versus intercourse, it misses the main point. Nondemand pleasuring has value in itself,to promote emotional and physical connection, facilitate intimacy, emphasize the value of pleasure over performance, and, most important, promote a varied, flexible sexual repertoire that challenges the rigid roles that cause inhibited sexual desire. A vital function is as a bridge to sexual desire.

the value of nondemand pleasuring in relation to intercourse.

When sex becomes a pass,fail test of intercourse, your intimate relationship is vulnerable. This is true even if there is not a sexual dysfunction. We are sexual people, not perfectly functioning sexual machines. If only perfect intercourse is acceptable, you are setting yourselves up for failure, if not this year, then 5 or 10 years hence. Orgasm and intercourse are a natural, integral part of sexuality. It is when intercourse and orgasm become a rigid performance mandate that problems occur.

Nondemand pleasuring puts intercourse in a healthy, integrated perspective. Not all touching is destined to end in intercourse. This frees both spouses to enjoy touching, including erotic touching. The analogy we employ is five touching gears, like a five-speed car transmission. Gear one is affectionate touching while clothed,hugging, kissing, holding hands; gear two is sensual, nongenital touching that can be nude or semiclothed; gear three is playful touching that combines nongenital and genital touch; gear four is erotic stimulation to orgasm (manual, oral, or rubbing); and gear five integrates pleasuring and eroticism and flows to intercourse. To have an enjoyable ride, it does not always have to end in fifth gear.

Some couples have a pattern in which half of their nondemand pleasuring experiences transition past third gear. Of these, 85 percent flow into intercourse. Those that flow into fourth gear have special value. Couples who are aware of and comfortable with the concept that not all erotic activity has to culminate in intercourse have a flexible couple style that helps prevent relapse.

The key to successful transition from nondemand pleasuring to intercourse is to not treat this as a dichotomy. Be aware that you have sensual and erotic choices. This prevents you from falling into the “Are we going to have intercourse or not?” trap.

Intercourse is a valued option, not a demand. The healthiest way to view intercourse is as a “special pleasuring technique.” Intercourse is a natural extension of pleasuring and eroticism, not a pass,fail test. Cuddling in bed before sleep is an example of nondemand pleasuring. If both partners become erotically responsive and want to transition into intercourse, that is fine. If one becomes aroused and requests intercourse, that is fine, as long as both realize it is a request, not a demand. Sometimes the wife prefers to stay with cuddling. Other times she suggests an erotic, nonintercourse experience (mutual or one-way). Sometimes she wants to create eroticism so that a mutual intercourse experience occurs; other times she goes along for the ride, with sex being more for her spouse. As long as there is a comfortable flow of touching and communication, this is a healthy process. If nondemand pleasuring becomes a sham,that is, if there is a felt or perceived demand for intercourse,it loses its value. In that case, the answer is a couple agreement that nondemand pleasuring cannot lead to intercourse. The partners close off a bridge to sexual desire and intercourse, but if the choice is losing the value of nondemand pleasuring, they are better to maintain that.

Sybil and martin.

Couples faced with chronic or intermittent sexual dysfunction find non-demand pleasuring of particular value in rebuilding their sexual bond. Sybil and Martin had been a sexually active couple for 21 years (which included conceiving three children) until Martin began having erection problems at age 47. Sybil blamed it on work, stress, and drinking. She told Martin not to worry. Martin responded that it was like trying not to think of a 500-pound yellow canary sitting on the side of the bed. After 2 months, Martin felt totally “impotent” and began avoiding sex.

Sybil tried to minimize the problem by noting that Martin did obtain erections, but lost them when they tried to have intercourse.

Rather than being reassured, Martin stopped getting erections.

When faced with a sexual dysfunction that does not spontaneously remit within 6 months, the couple is well-advised to seek sex therapy. The man can consult his internist or family practitioner to do an initial screening for potential physical or medication factors. We suggest seeing a sex therapist before consulting a urologist.

Martin did the opposite of these guidelines. He avoided dealing with the erectile problem for 3 years. Sybil stopped initiating because it was so tense and conflictual; she wanted to lessen pressure. Sybil’s intentions were good, but resulted in increased pressure on Martin. He was afraid she had given up and would have an affair. Once a month Martin initiated sex, with the hope for a miraculous cure. Instead, he felt embarrassed and humiliated.

Martin masturbated two to three times a week with good erections, but felt ashamed. After a year, he went to an impotence clinic that was advertised on sports radio. It guaranteed to restore potency or give a full refund. The technique was penile injections with a vasodilator (to increase blood flow). Martin had two injections at the clinic and was taught to do injections at home. He found self-injection awkward and at times painful. Martin felt self-conscious and worried about the clinical nature of the procedure. He told Sybil nothing about the injections. The first time they tried intercourse, Sybil was excited to see him erect.

Martin did not want her to stroke him, but went right to intercourse. Sybil lubricated, but her lubrication dried up because she felt that the sex was uninvolving and mechanical. Although Martin was objectively aroused (he had an erection), subjectively he did not feel turned on and was not enjoying intercourse. He did not reach orgasm, and Sybil complained of vaginal irritation.

He pulled out and seemed very distressed, but maintained an erection; both knew something was amiss.

Sybil heard the story of the injection from Martin 2 days later.

She did not object to consulting a urologist and trying the injection, but was hurt that he did not tell her or say what she could do to help. Sybil’s not being allowed to touch Martin’s penis and his fear that her stimulation might cause him to lose the erection were very upsetting. This fiasco resulted in Sybil confronting Martin; both sex and marital trust were dissolving. They needed professional help. Martin was very reluctant to see a sex therapist, but Sybil insisted and made the appointment.

Sex therapists see many couples with whom the sexual problem (especially, erectile dysfunction) coexists with inhibited sexual desire. Erectile dysfunction is the most common cause of male inhibited sexual desire. Martin was anxious to find a quick, easy solution. He hated the idea of being in therapy for months or years.

Once Martin was in the therapist’s office, Sybil wanted to talk about their relationship and focus on emotional issues. The therapist understood this gender split. He reassured Sybil that sexuality would not be dealt with outside of the context of intimacy (the fatal flaw of the injection program). He reassured Martin that the prognosis for restoring erectile comfort and confidence was good. Erectile functioning is best dealt with as a couple issue; both partners needed to realize there is no miracle cure, but that change is possible.

After the assessment and feedback sessions, the therapist started Martin and Sybil with nondemand pleasuring exercises.

When erection and intercourse are problematic, the couple reacts by decreasing or ceasing affectionate and sensual touching. Sybil missed touching more than intercourse. Martin associated anything other than kissing and hand-holding with a sexual demand and fear of failure.

Nondemand pleasuring exercises began with a temporary prohibition on genital touch, orgasm, and intercourse. With performance pres sure reduced, Martin and Sybil focused on the feelings and sensations of nongenital touching. Sybil’s reaction to pleasuring was quite positive. She felt more intimately connected than in the past 2 years. Martin’s reaction was positive, but mixed.

He obtained erections, but became discouraged when they dissipated. He missed the old days when sex, erection, and intercourse flowed easily and automatically. He enjoyed stroking Sybil, but could not hold the good feelings. Sybil found it easier to initiate pleasuring than did Martin. Although he read and understood the words about pleasuring and broad-based sexuality, he felt ambivalent and self-conscious.

The transition to genital pleasuring and erotic stimulation was easier for Sybil. Her desire, arousal, and orgasm flowed during these exercises. Sybil, like many women, could be orgasmic during manual stimulation, as well as during intercourse. Martin was perplexed as to why he was more aroused when he was stimulating Sybil than when she was stimulating him. Instead of feeling embarrassed and not saying any-thing, Martin expressed his puzzlement. He told Sybil that when the exercise focused on her, his desire and arousal were high, but when reciprocal, both his desire and his arousal waned. With prodding by the therapist, Martin admitted that during masturbation he predictably experienced desire, erection, and orgasm. Martin feared Sybil’s censure and was pleasantly surprised when she reported being hopeful because the “machinery worked.” Sybil shared that she, too, masturbated and enjoyed arousal and orgasm. Sybil wanted Martin to understand that although orgasm was easier and more predictable with masturbation, sex was more exciting and fulfilling with him.

The next day Martin suggested that they take a walk and talk about their sexual relationship. He disclosed how self-consciousness and performance anxiety inhibited his pleasure. Previously, he could not understand why he did better during masturbation and when being the pleasurer. Now he realized that it was because there were no distractions or performance worries. He asked that they start nondemand pleasuring over so that he could share pleasure without self-consciousness or performance demands. Martin felt freer emotionally and physically when he kept contact with Sybil, rather than being passive. He was open to experimenting with his waxing and waning of erections. Martin learned to be comfortable with erotic stimulation flowing into arousal, erection, and orgasm during nonintercourse sex. This was a new experience, previously, Martin had been orgasmic only during intercourse.

Sybil was open to experimenting and sharing eroticism. Flexible, variable sexuality was good for Sybil, and she wanted it to be good for Martin.

Eventually, Sybil and Martin developed three comfortable sexual patterns:

1. Nondemand pleasuring that focused on sensuality (gears two and three) 2. Pleasuring that evolved into erotic stimulation, leading to orgasm for one or both (gears two, three, and four) 3. Pleasuring that evolved to erotic stimulation, which flowed into intercourse (gears two, three, four, and five) Martin valued gear five dates the most, but learned to enjoy gears two, three, and four. Sybil found gear four dates most sexually satisfying, although she enjoyed all the sensual and sexual gears.

Sexual desire was expressed in a varied, flexible manner. Sex was less predictable, but more intimate, more communicative, and of higher quality. Nondemand pleasuring was the key in revitalizing sexual desire.

how to keep the “demand” out.

Nondemand pleasuring is more than a technique to use to recover from sexual dysfunction. It is a core strategy to maintain a vital, intimate bond. For this to continue after you resume intercourse, you have to keep the demand out of the pleasuring. Each spouse is comfortable initiating touching. Each communicates the type of touch he or she wants. One might want sensual touch, but not erotic stimulation; one might want erotic touch, the other says no, but is open to affectionate touch; one wants sensual touch, the other prefers erotic touch; one wants intercourse, the other prefers erotic stimulation. Touching and sexuality are about pleasure and communication. They are about requests, not demands. When you remove prohibitions from orgasm and intercourse, you are opening new options for touching, not creating demands. Keep the focus on awareness, comfort, communication, and pleasure; do not fall into the traps of demands or performance orientation.

closing thoughts.

Nondemand pleasuring is a vital component in couple sexuality.

Pleasuring can include affection, sensuality, playfulness and eroticism. The essence of sexuality is giving and receiving pleasure-oriented touching. Nondemand pleasuring has value in itself, not just as a bridge to sexual desire. Pleasuring includes touching both inside and outside of the bedroom, with the understanding that touching is not always directed toward intercourse. Intimacy and nondemand pleasuring confront the rigidity of a no-sex or low-sex marriage and help rebuild sexual desire.